Since I’ll never be able to afford the actual picture, I’ve taken the liberty of using the photo ISIS has been distributing as proof of the birth of the Islamic Antichrist. Close enough.
Behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to proclaim the birth of the holy progeny, the first born son of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is delivered unto us . A savior born of obscene wealth and priviledge that we might forget the ills and troubles of the world, and our own shitty, disastified existence in order to praise him and increase the bidding price for the first photo.
Update: They named the baby Saint, so my assertions weren’t too far off, though if they had named it Christ I would have won $100.
Kim Kardashian posted this picture of herself on Facebook on Sunday with the caption, “Oh, just relaxin,” because in case you guys didn’t know, that’s how we women relax. By wearing eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, lipliner, lipstick, concealer, foundation, blush, bronzer and putting needles in our face.
So when I’m out and about with no makeup, greasy hair and sweatpants, looking like I woke up in a truck stop bathroom, that’s actually my Corporate Power-Bitch look. That same getup could also be referred to as Britney Spears’ Day-to-Night look, either one.
Because there’s no such thing as a person you can pay to help ‘style’ you, (Note to self: this is a GREAT idea, you could call it a ‘stylist.’) Kim Kardashian has taken to her mommy blog to seek advice from the people who are actually stupid enough to hang on every word she says.
“For me, I’ve found that I’ve gained inches and I’ve gotten wider but my belly hasn’t popped yet, so I struggle finding things that don’t make me look heavy… Does anyone know any good dressing tips for pregnancy?”
Let’s see, some good dressing tips. Oh! How about one of those nice gowns they give you at Planned Parenthood? That would look great!
A ‘source’ that totally isn’t Kim Kardashian tells US Weekly that Kim Kardashian is expecting a baby girl this July, because Kim suddenly has reservations about whoring out the unborn. Instead, Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner revealed the baby’s sex and once she cashes the check she got for the story she’ll give Kim her cut.
Kim Kardashian did a fashion spread for the March issue of Elle magazine, and if Kim Kardashian doesn’t conjure up images of high fashion for you it’s because squat, troll-like women have no place in the fashion world. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. Stylist Nicola Formichetti claimed no designers would lend Kim clothes to use for the shoot in what he called ‘fashion snobbery.’
I wouldn’t exactly call that snobbery, I would call that ‘Not wanting to get your expensive clothes back smelling like a New England clam bake.’ Not to mention Kim has the body shape of a Clydesdale, so good luck finding those Gucci pants with a ‘generous helping of fabric’ around the ass so that Kim can spend thirty minutes getting into them and then demand that she only be photographed facing dead front.
Besides I’m pretty sure Kim has a line of clothing. It’s called the Kardashian Kollection. And it’s sold exclusively at Sears, where the three money-hungry ilk and their ogre manager have managed to create a clothing line that looks cheaper and trashier than Miley Cyrus’ collection for Walmart while charging 5 times as much. Don’t forget to check out their kollection of soap dishes and shower curtains too!
Fun fact: A few weeks ago at the thrift store I found a Kardashian Kollection red, nylon jumpsuit with the original price tag still attached. Bitches wanted $80! It looked cheaper than the last minute Halloween costumes you get at Rite Aid!
Goodwill was asking $5.99 and there were still no takers.
Beyonce and Jay-Z are very private people, so it’s been speculated that even though they’re good friends with Kanye West, they don’t care too much for Kim Kardashian, because she would televise her colonoscopy if she thought it would bring good ratings.
So you know Kim’s doing her best to not come off as the walking endorsment deal that she is and kiss Beyonce’s ass at the same time. Back in June, Kim gave Beyonce’s baby, Blue Ivy, a $5,000 diamond bracelet engraved “Love, Auntie Kim,” to which Beyonce said, “Throw it in the pile with the others.” And yesterday Kim tweeted this during the Superbowl half-time show:
“I heard there was this little football game at the Beyonce concert today…. Is that true? #BeyonceBowl,” and “OMG Beyonce killed it!!! And when Destiny’s Child came out…that made my life! #Bootylicious.
Kim was probably choking down black bile as she wrote that and sent it out into the Twitterverse, especially the “bootylicious” part. I bet Kris was standing over her shoulder hissing, “Do it, do it, they have good connections.”
If Kim manages to crawl her way any further up Beyonce’s ass she’s going to turn into a polyp. And I believe that’s two references to colon health in one post.