Female Viagra Approved by FDA. Women Everywhere Breath a Collective ‘Fuck.’

2011_bill_cosby

Because obviously, the reason your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you is because of a hormonal imbalance. Not because you haven’t flossed your teeth in over six months, or that you wear your socks to bed, or that she caught you checking out that neighbor girl who dresses like a whore even though she’s only 17, or that your idea of foreplay is a half-hearted attempt to shove a finger up her ass, or that you said her tits would look better if she didn’t slouch so much and lost 15 pounds, or a myriad of other grievances you’ve committed that fill her with rage and disgust, that you thought she just brushed off as nothing and forgot but she remembers and will remind with a hammer to your face while you’re sleeping the night you suggest she ‘look into that new female viagra,’ after another disappointing act of sex.  Just a silly hormonal imbalance like depression, that can all be fixed with a  pill. Just a fun, happy, little pill that has to be taken every day and doesn’t have any adverse effects except for the following reported from MNT:

On assessing the safety of the drug, the FDA report the most common adverse reactions identified were nausea, dizziness, fatigue, sleepiness,insomnia and dry mouth.

However, the organization notes flibanserin is also associated withhypotension – severely low blood pressure – and loss of consciousness, particularly if taken with alcohol. Such side effects have led the FDA to reject the drug twice previously – once in 2010 and again in 2014.

I’m going to go on a limb and say any increased sexual activity stemming from the use of this pill is directly related to the loss of consciousness caused by the pill. After all, unconscious means consent. Just ask Bill Cosby.

Image: Bill Cosby [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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Someone’s Year Just Got Worse, Much Worse

I take that back, nothing’s worse than fondling you sister’s while they’re asleep, but this is a close second, and maybe the final blow that will  make the Duggar family go all Jonestown like everyone’s been hoping for since their affront to nature of a family appeared on television. No? I guess it just’s me; those kids make me sick, especially the little ones.  I digress. I was so busy searching for my own husband’s name amongst the leaked Ashley Madison names I failed to notice the world’s best big brother, Josh Duggar, was busted in the hack. But the good people at Gawker did, and we have them to thank for this sweet, sweet piece of irony:

In 2013, conservative reality TV star Josh Duggar—of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting fame—was named the executive director of the Family Research Council, a conservative lobbying group in D.C. which seeks “to champion marriage and family as the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society.” During that time, he also maintained a paid account on  Ashley Madison, a web site created for the express purpose of cheating on your spouse… Someone using a credit card belonging to a Joshua J. Duggar, with a billing address that matches the home in Fayetteville, Arkansas owned by his grandmother Mary—a home that was consistently shown on their now-cancelled TV show, and in which Anna Duggar gave birth to her first child—paid a total of $986.76 for two different monthly Ashley Madison subscriptions from February of 2013 until May of 2015.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! This almost makes up for the fact that my husband is cheating on me. Now what, you ask, would a chubby, creepy, man-boy pervert be seeking for a sexual partner outside the sanctity of marriage? Turns out, just about anything:

“A Professional/Well Groomed,” “Stylish/Classy,” “Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type,” “Muscular/Fit Body,” “Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,””Short Hair,” “Girl Next Door,” “Naughty Girl,” “Sense of Humor,” “Imagination,” “Creative and Adventurous,” “Relaxed and Easy Going,” “Aggressive/Take Charge Nature,” “Confidence,” “Discretion/Secrecy,” “A Good Listener,” “Good Personal Hygiene,” “Average Sex Drive,” “High Sex Drive,” “Dislikes Routine,” “Has a Secret Love Nest,” “Disease Free,” “Drug Free,” and “Natural Breasts.”

He pretty much just checked every box they had. I’m surprised  ‘hole’ isn’t on that list.

“But make sure it’s a lady hole. I ain’t no queer.”

Image: Facebook