Khloe Made a Sex Tape. Of Course She Did.

 

kraken&khloe

In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered  what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.

“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use,  I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”

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For To Us A Child Is Born

Since I’ll never be able to afford the actual picture, I’ve taken the liberty of using the photo ISIS has been distributing as proof of the birth of the Islamic Antichrist.  Close enough.

Behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to proclaim the birth of the holy progeny, the first born son of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is delivered unto us . A savior born of obscene wealth and priviledge that we might forget the ills and troubles of the world, and our own shitty, disastified  existence in order to praise him and increase the bidding price for the first photo.

Merry Christmas!

Update: They named the baby Saint, so my assertions weren’t too far off, though if they had named it Christ I would have won $100.

 

 

 

Kris Jenner Prepares for Kanye to Dump Kim

kim kardashian post baby hiding

“Take that mom, I found someone else to boss me around.”
-Kim Kardashian

Much like you throw away the nasty, soggy peel of a banana after taking out the delicious flesh inside, so Kanye West will eventually dump Kim Kardashian after she birthed his first born child. So naturally, Kris Jenner is already  doing damage control by saying Kanye’s a domineering control freak who dictates Kim’s every move. Jealous anyone? From In Touch via Radar:

“She has to do what he says — or else,” a source told In Touch, in an article that claims Kim has been “trapped by a madman” who’s doing his all to control her every move. ”She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”

Since the birth of his daughter North West June 15, a source told the magazine the Paranoid singer has “brought in more security around the house and won’t let Kim leave.”

The intrusion sets into everything, from what Kim’s wearing, to what she’s tweeting, insiders say.

“When the time comes for her to step out into public, he wants her to be wearing outfits he picked out for her,” a source said. “He’s telling her sisters, mom — everyone — what they can and cannot post on twitter.”

So really Kris is just upset because her position of power has been usurped by a black man, she’s kind of like a Republican in that regard.

Kimye Used a Decoy Baby

Kim Kardashian sent out the above ‘fake’ picture of her baby to see if anyone would attempt to sell the image.

Because Kim Kardashian knows the people she surrounds herself with are as greedy and unscrupulous as she is, she sent out a picture of a baby that wasn’t hers to her friends to see if any of them would attempt to sell the picture to the media. Naturally, one of them did, which is great for Kim, now she knows who to turn to next time she needs a real picture leaked. That’s what friends are for. From TMZ:

Kim felt people in her world were going to hawk baby photos, so she wanted to catch the culprits quickly.  We’re told Kim hatched a plan and sent a half-dozen of her “friends” pictures of a baby she claimed was North West — but we’re told it was an impostor infant.

In related news, Radar is reporting that Kim’s own brother, weight-gain extraordinaire, Rob Kardashian has been barred from seeing his already-more-famous-than-he-is niece, but Kim has allowed Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak to see the newborn.

“Rob’s got nothing going for him,” explained Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner, “But, Steve’s got connections, we’ve gotta get this baby networking as soon as possible.”

 

Kim Kardashian is Poisoning Her Baby, Looks Great!

Because everyone knows a child gestating in the warm womb of narcissism and self-importance is impervious to things like, you know, toxic chemicals, Kim Kardiashian is still getting Botox injections despite being seven months pregnant. “Eh, who cares if my kids retarded, I won’t be taking care of it. Besides, having a forehead that moves is totally gross.” From In Touch:

Insiders tell In Touch that Kim is putting her baby’s health on the line in the name of beauty. “She’s still getting injections even though she’s seven months pregnant,”says an insider. Kim’s obsession with beauty hasn’t only driven her to get chemicals injected into her face — she’s also been having gel manicures and spray tans, all procedures that could have consequences for her unborn baby with boyfriend Kanye West. “She’s so worried about what she looks like — that’s why she’s still getting Botox,” says a family insider. “She’ll go to any lengths to protect the one thing that’s most precious to her: her beauty.”

Kim and I are the same age, and the wax figure of Kim at Madame Tussaud’s looks more natural than she does. I on the other hand, have a forehead that looks like a sheet of college ruled paper. Combined with my majestic hump from sitting over a computer 16 hours a day, I like to think that I’m ushering in a new standard of beauty for faceless blogger everywhere.

Kim Kardashian Admits Kanye Has Escaped Her Gravitational Pull

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They say a child a greatest gift a woman can give to a man, and so you think when Kim Kardashian got pregnant with Kanye West’s child he would be a doting father, if for no other reason than the kid would be 50% him.

But surprisingly even Kanye West doesn’t want to be around something created by Kanye West if it involves being around Kim Kardashian too. From Radar Online:

Kanye apparently wants to live in France, with Kim not willing to leave her U.S.-based reality TV empire.

Now the extent of Kim and Kanye’s separation has been uncovered in legal proceedings.

“Kim was forced to admit during her deposition that she has spent more time away from Kanye than with him,” a source tells Radar exclusively. The revelation came in a deposition that’s part of her divorce from Kris Humphries.

And it comes as rumblings are growing that there is trouble in paradise between the couple.

 “She blamed their hectic schedules, but it was obvious that it pained her a great deal. Kim is pregnant with his baby, and Kanye is missing all of her prenatal doctor’s appointments, because he is halfway around the world in Paris.

Mind you that Kim has taken the trans-Atlantic flight to visit Kanye in Paris numerous times while Kanye hasn’t left Paris since February, because everyone knows how easy it is to fly for a pregnant woman whose ass requires its own seat. What I’m getting at here is that Kanye found the Holy Grail of Ass for black men and couldn’t help but think, “With my overwhelming sense of self-importance and her insatiable need for self-promotion we could make a Nobel Laureate.” And that’s how the next Hitler was conceived.

Kim Kardashian Admits Kanye Has Escaped Her Gravitational Pull

Image

They say a child a greatest gift a woman can give to a man, and so you think when Kim Kardashian got pregnant with Kanye West’s child he would be a doting father, if for no other reason than the kid would be 50% him.

But surprisingly even Kanye West doesn’t want to be around something created by Kanye West if it involves being around Kim Kardashian too. From Radar Online:

Kanye apparently wants to live in France, with Kim not willing to leave her U.S.-based reality TV empire.

Now the extent of Kim and Kanye’s separation has been uncovered in legal proceedings.

“Kim was forced to admit during her deposition that she has spent more time away from Kanye than with him,” a source tells Radar exclusively. The revelation came in a deposition that’s part of her divorce from Kris Humphries.

And it comes as rumblings are growing that there is trouble in paradise between the couple.

 “She blamed their hectic schedules, but it was obvious that it pained her a great deal. Kim is pregnant with his baby, and Kanye is missing all of her prenatal doctor’s appointments, because he is halfway around the world in Paris.

Mind you that Kim has taken the trans-Atlantic flight to visit Kanye in Paris numerous times while Kanye hasn’t left Paris since February, because everyone knows how easy it is to fly for a pregnant woman whose ass requires its own seat. What I’m getting at here is that Kanye found the Holy Grail of Ass for black men and couldn’t help but think, “With my overwhelming sense of self-importance and her insatiable need for self-promotion we could make a Nobel Laureate.” And that’s how the next Hitler was conceived.