Khloe Made a Sex Tape. Of Course She Did.

 

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In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered  what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.

“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use,  I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”

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Weekend Discharge

ireland baldwin bikini photo

Ireland Baldwin’s parents are out of town and she wants you to come over and have sex with her.  The Superficial

Prince William might be unemployed soon, somehow I think that’s going to work out better for him than most other people. Lainey Gossip

You know you’ve hit a new low when Jessica Simpson has been charged with looking after you. ICYDK

Britney Spears’ new man seems like a nice, normal guy who can also pass a background check. D Listed

Kim Kardashian is rolled up an smokin’ IDLYITW

 

 

James Franco Doesn’t Like Anne Hathaway Either

You know you’re an insufferable douche when the World’s Biggest Douche also finds you to be an insufferable douche. Which is the case when James Franco, arguably the smuggest piece of vaginal discharge on the planet, went on Howard Stern and expressed that Anne Hathaway kind of bugs the shit out of him too. This may be the most likable thing James Franco has done since cutting off his arm in that movie.

While he doesn’t come out and say he’d like to stuff a gasoline-soaked rag down her throat and light it on fire like I do, he pretty much agrees with Stern’s assertion that she’s a scripted robot trying desperately to win affection and in turn annoying the fuck out of everyone. Don’t get me wrong, James Franco is a panty waste, which is probably why he’s able to recognize one of his own.

Ashley Greene’s Dog Falls Victim to Candles

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Twilight star Ashley Greene is beside herself with grief after a fire in her condo claimed the life of one of her dogs. According to TMZ the fire was started by a unattended candle that lit the couch on fire. When will people learn? Candles Kill!

The powerful candle lobby and its wealthy supporters have us blinded by pleasant scents and ambience. But when these things get into the wrong hands ie. people without a basic knowledge of how fire works, it’s only a matter of time before disaster strikes. RIP little dog, and damn you Yankee Candle Company!!!!

Oh, and Ashley? Might I be able to interest you in some cats?

Tiger Woods Leaves Lindsey Vonn in the Car, Hopefully Cracks the Window

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On the top is a picture of Lindsey Vonn, Tiger Woods’ latest attempt to appear like a normal, guy who likes committed, missionary sex with his white bread girlfriend, a solid five on a good day.

On the bottom is Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s ex-wife and a Swedish amazon, who also is a twin might I add.

Tiger and Lindsey are officially a couple now, so Tiger is trying to slowly integrate her into his children’s lives by leaving her sitting in the car for over an hour during his daughter’s soccer game, because Elin was sitting on the other side of the field. A move which is probably fortuitous for Lindsey, if I were her I wouldn’t let Elin stand within a quarter mile radius of me.

Image:Fame/Flynet

 

Daily Discharge

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Candice Swanepoel shows us the white girl ass to end all white girl asses. On that note, I think mine might have actually brushed the back of my knees today. (above)

If you date George Clooney for a year he’ll buy you a house, but if you give Lou Diamond Phillips a hand job in the bathroom of a three-star hotel he might buy you a drink; just saying. D Listed 

Charlize Theron takes her dog and token black kid for a walk, but what I really want to know is what the fat, black woman with the purple hair thinks is so fucking funny about that. ICYDK

Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to freeze her eggs now, because men love that and don’t find it creepy or desperate at all. The Superficial

Justin Bieber did what none of us thought was possible; made us feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. WWTDD

 

How Come Gwyneth Paltrow Can Starve Her Children and I Can’t?

Apple: Mom, Moses is foaming at the mouth again.

GOOP: Spritz him down with artisanal, orchid-infused mist and wipe him down, baby. And, I told you, I’m “mum” now, we’re in London!

Gwyneth Paltrow has confessed in her newly released cookbook that she’s been starving her children, Apple and Moses, in an attempt to help them reach a transcendental state Buddhists refer to as Nirvana, but Gweny likes to call “Perfection”

In the Queen of Queef’s new literary and culinary masterpiece It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes that Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great, she describes how to blow all your money eating like a subterranean Mole Man, until her next food craze comes around and she tells you everything she told you to eat before will give you cancer now.

Now, if you were stupid enough to buy the GOOP’s previous book Notes From My Kitchen Table, use that shit to start up your wood-fired oven, because those recipes almost killed her!

“One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die,” Gwyneth recalled. She goes on to say how her diet had caused her to feel like she was having a stroke and needed to go back and write a new book to tell everyone that what she said in her previous book was bullshit and to buy this book, which features mouth-watering recipes that have no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy and no processed food.

The GOOP describes how her new, even more Draconian diet often leaves her family feeling hungry, but not ‘strokey’. “Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.”

But that’s okay, they can fill the void in their stomachs with cashmere socks and gold lamé shoes.

If a mother only fed her children chia seeds and hand-picked berries from the family farm because that was all she could afford, she would be called neglectful and probably have her children taken from her, but if you do it because you have too much money and time on your hands and your bat-shit fucking crazy you can brag about it in your new book and people will take your shitty, medically uninformed advice and try it on their own kids. That’s why I love celebrities!