Leave Barbie Alone Dammit!

Mattel Can't Update Barbie Without Running Into Updated Problems

Mattel unrolled its new Barbie dolls today, which now come in three body types-curvy, petite and tall- as well as a wide variety of skin, hair and eye colors. Let me start by saying I’m all for promoting a more diverse standard of beauty and as the mother of two young girls I’m glad that…wait, no, fuck that.

I love Barbie because she’s the tall, skinny, blonde Scandinavian with an impossibly small nose that I could never be.  She was my hot, slutty friend who allowed me to vicariously live the life my parents would never approve of and my squat Italian figure would never give me: Giving blow jobs to Ken in the back seat of the Jeep, and pondering with my sister, Skipper, if we should tell him about the baby or just get the abortion.

Since Barbie’s inception, she’s faced criticism for promoting an unrealistic standard of beauty and causing issues of body-image in young girls, I however like to think I have a little more depth than to blame my numerous personal problems on a doll. My soul-crushing insecurity, my inability to form meaningful relationships,  my numerous home plastic surgery attempts and the fact that the only thing I’ve eaten today is a Kale salad from Costco obviously stem from a lack of a father figure.

In summation, making Barbie shorter and fatter isn’t going to make anyone feel better about themselves, it’s just going to remind us all what we really look like. No thank you.

Image: Mattel

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Khloe Made a Sex Tape. Of Course She Did.

 

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In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered  what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.

“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use,  I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”

Jusitn Bieber is Banging Hailey Baldwin, I’m Sure This Will Go Over Well

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Justin Beiber has made it official he is indeed putting his suspiciously large dick inside Hailey Baldwin when he posted the above pic of the pair on Sunday night. And since the entire Baldwin family and Justin are all known for their even temperaments and good judgement I’m sure this is a relationship bound for longevity and hopefully, murder-suicide.

“Now let’s flush all this New’s Year’s resolution shit about ‘making better choices’ down the toilet, and not use a condom.”

Image: Instagram

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth Might be Hooking Up Again; So Why Am I Still Fat?

The beginning of 2016 felt a lot like 2011, in that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth appeared to be back together after ringing in the new year and getting caught being affectionate at some Australian music festival that I imagine involved a didgeridoo. Except then I looked around and saw I was still 40 lbs. heavier and unemployed, with two kids and that my life was essentially over.  Yeah, it’s 2016.

But enough bout me and the demise of my hopes and dreams, let us focus on the young and exhibitionistic. Since Miley spent 2015 parading her vagina around with Wayne Coyne in some kind of over-the-top Thai ping-pong show, let’s hope this rumor is true. It’s time someone wrestled Miley to the ground and stuffed that thing into some pants, and since Liam is Australian I’m sure he’s up for the task, it’ll be just like ‘gator hunting, but with more teeth.

Photo: Instagram