Mattel unrolled its new Barbie dolls today, which now come in three body types-curvy, petite and tall- as well as a wide variety of skin, hair and eye colors. Let me start by saying I’m all for promoting a more diverse standard of beauty and as the mother of two young girls I’m glad that…wait, no, fuck that.

I love Barbie because she’s the tall, skinny, blonde Scandinavian with an impossibly small nose that I could never be.  She was my hot, slutty friend who allowed me to vicariously live the life my parents would never approve of, and my squat Italian figure would never give me: Giving blow jobs to Ken in the back seat of the Jeep, and pondering with my sister, Skipper, if we should tell him about the baby or just get the abortion.

Since Barbie’s inception, she’s faced criticism for promoting an unrealistic standard of beauty and causing issues of body-image in young girls, I however like to think I have a little more depth than to blame my numerous personal problems on a doll. My soul-crushing insecurity, my inability to form meaningful relationships,  my numerous home plastic surgery attempts and the fact that the only thing I’ve eaten today is a Kale salad from Costco obviously stem from daddy issues.

In summation, making Barbie shorter and fatter isn’t going to make anyone feel better about themselves, it’s just going to remind us all what we really look like. No thank you.

Image: Mattel

Justin Beiber has made it official he is indeed putting his suspiciously large dick inside Hailey Baldwin when he posted the above pic of the pair on Sunday night. And since the entire Baldwin family and Justin are all known for their even temperaments and good judgement I’m sure this is a relationship bound for longevity and hopefully, murder-suicide.

“Now let’s flush all this New’s Year’s resolution shit about ‘making better choices’ down the toilet, and not use a condom.”

Image: Instagram