Rihanna Sends All the Right Signals

Above:Rihanna expressing her opposition to female pop singers being marginalized as sex objects.

The stalker caught walking on Rihanna’s roof a few weeks ago has been hit with a restraining order and charged with criminal trespassing. Robert Melanson pled ‘no contest’ to the charges and will serve six day in jail and be on probation for the next three years. Let this be lesson to all you men out there. Punch us in the face a few times: Meh, we’ll get it over it, and probably continue to have sex with you too. But stay the fuck off my roof. Shit’s just weird.

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Kimye Used a Decoy Baby

Kim Kardashian sent out the above ‘fake’ picture of her baby to see if anyone would attempt to sell the image.

Because Kim Kardashian knows the people she surrounds herself with are as greedy and unscrupulous as she is, she sent out a picture of a baby that wasn’t hers to her friends to see if any of them would attempt to sell the picture to the media. Naturally, one of them did, which is great for Kim, now she knows who to turn to next time she needs a real picture leaked. That’s what friends are for. From TMZ:

Kim felt people in her world were going to hawk baby photos, so she wanted to catch the culprits quickly.  We’re told Kim hatched a plan and sent a half-dozen of her “friends” pictures of a baby she claimed was North West — but we’re told it was an impostor infant.

In related news, Radar is reporting that Kim’s own brother, weight-gain extraordinaire, Rob Kardashian has been barred from seeing his already-more-famous-than-he-is niece, but Kim has allowed Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak to see the newborn.

“Rob’s got nothing going for him,” explained Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner, “But, Steve’s got connections, we’ve gotta get this baby networking as soon as possible.”

 

Pay Attention to Miley. Or Else.

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In the midst of her parent’s divorce, Miley has taken to Twitter in order to communicate with her father, Billy Ray, because apparently, right after climbing up a high tree and yelling “Hey, Pa!” that’s the best way of getting a hold of him these days. Last night Miley directed the above picture and tweet to her father seeming to suggest that Billy Ray is hiding something that involves the mystery woman in the picture. Miley later deleted the picture probably because posting your attempts at blackmail on the internet can later be used against you in a court of law. Something I learned the hard way. And since parents always respond well to being threatened by their children via social media I’m sure Billy Ray met all Miley’s demands before asking her to wire him some money.

Kanye West Makes a Profound Revelation

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Above: Kanye West looking confused by his surroundings.

As if impregnating a woman who’s had more black men inside her than a California state prison, wasn’t proof enough, Kanye West admitted in an interview with W Magazine that he’s ‘retarded.’ Those are his words, get off my back Autism Society, fuckin’ Nazis.

“God’s little practical joke on me—as an intellect who doesn’t like to read a lot—is like, I’ll say some superphilosophical shit, but I’ll say it the wrong way,” he says, laughing. “I’ll use the wrong word, so it goes from being really special to completely retarded.”

See? Kanye intends to say insightful, intelligent things that will make the world realize he’s actually one of the great minds of our generation, but they just come out making him sound stupid. Hmmmm. I guess it’s kind of like how if you actually read General Relativity it’s nothing but dirty limericks and crude drawings of naked women. I’m sure Einstein meant to put something important in there. Fun Fact: “Superphilosophical shit” was the original working title of Nietzsche “The Birth of Tragedy.”

Image:By Tyler Curtis (Stunning Entrance, original resolution) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

North West, They Named Their Baby North West

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Remember a few months ago when rumors were going around that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were going to name their baby North West and everyone just assumed it was only a rumor because that couldn’t possibly be true and that’s the stupidest fucking name anyone’s ever heard of? Turns out it was true, they honest to God named the baby North West. There hasn’t been any mention of a middle name, probably because when you give your child a first name that only makes sense when paired with their last name and instantly makes people who hear it think “God, your parents are idiots,” you don’t want to mess up that flow by giving them a normal sounding middle name that might offer them some alternative to having to go by a compass direction for the rest of their lives.

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Tony Soprano Whacks Himself

Obesity and high cholesterol have finally done what six seasons and Phil Leotardo couldn’t: Kill Tony Soprano. James Gandolfini died of an apparent heart attack in Italy yesterday, he was 51 years old. I’m a little saddened by this, Gandolfini was a well-respected and liked actor with an 8-month-old daughter and a teenaged son while Charlie Sheen continues to walk around infecting the Earth. It’s like God doesn’t even listen to me anymore.

Image:By Josh Miller (Flickr) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Melissa Ehteridge Doesn’t Approve of Angelina Jolie’s New Tits

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Lesbian rocker and qualified medical professional, Melissa Etheridge.

Because she’s had one song I can actually name and Lesbian Rock went out in the 90’s along with Lilith Fair, Melissa Etheridge needed to wade into the pool of relevancy by talking about the most important and hard-hitting piece of news this year: NSA wiretapping, Syrian civil war, Angelina Jolie’s tits.

While everyone else has fawned over Angelina’s decision to cut off the breasts that have nursed a million starving children and replace them with a pert new pair because of some shit about cancer or something, Melissa wants the world to know that she thinks Angelina’s a coward, a dirty, low-down, yellow-bellied coward for taking a preventive measure against a life-threatening disease. Yeah, put down that cup of antioxidant-rich green tea, fucking pussy:

“I wouldn’t call it the brave choice,” said Etheridge via the NYDN. “I actually think it’s the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer.”
“My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not,” Etheridge continued. “Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything, but it never comes to cancer. So I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we’ve made in things like nutrition and stress levels.”

“I’ve been cancer-free for nine years now, and looking back, I completely understand why I got cancer,” Etheridge added. “There was so much acidity in everything. I really encourage people to go a lot longer and further before coming to that conclusion.”

So in retrospect, Melissa knows if she had just eaten better and not been so stressed out from all the muff-diving she did during the free-wheelin 90’s, she never would have gotten cancer in the first place. Now after extensive chemotherapy she doesn’t have cancer anymore. So see? She was right. It’s science people.

Image:Angela George [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons