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Above: Eva Longoria sizing up her vagina.

Soooo, to the two of you who actually read this site you may have noticed posting has been slow the last few weeks, it’s because I’ve been busy moving from one shitty, remote part of San Diego to an even shittier, more remote part of San Diego and will be settled and posting within a few days. To the hundred or so of you who stumble upon this site accidentally while searching for ‘horny boy scouts’ or ‘early teen cameltoe’ (seriously, I can see what you’re searching for and so can the government,) here’s the link to Eva Longoria’s vadge flash at Cannes, because let’s face it, the only reason anybody clicks on a site called The Vadge is because they’re hoping to gain some insight into Divergence theorem. Enjoy!

Image:By Hispanic Lifestyle  Uploaded by MyCanon (Eva Longoria) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

If there’s one thing I miss about Michael

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If there’s one thing I miss about Michael Jackson, it’s the endless accusations of child molestation that seemed to pop up every couple of years or so. Ahhh, memories. And fortunately for me, it seems Michael has been able to raise a skeletal, white-gloved hand out of the grave and fondle a little boy’s privates from the other side. Well, not actually, but him being dead for four years hasn’t stopped a new accuser from coming forward to claim he was abused by the singer as a child over 20 years ago. Repressed memories or some shit like that. Who cares? Thriller was a great album, let the man rest in peace! From TMZ:

TMZ has obtained legal docs … filed by Wade Robson … in which he’s asking for money from the Michael Jackson Estate for childhood sexual abuse.

Robson — now 30 years old — has worked with top names in pop music including Britney Spears, *NSYNC, Usher and P!nk. He has also appeared on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Wade met Michael when he was 5 years old and they developed a friendship that lasted for years.  By the time Wade was 7, he went for sleepovers at Neverland and MJ’s homes in L.A. and Vegas.  The sleepovers continued until Wade was 14…

In 2005, Wade testified in MJ’s molestation trial and DENIED Michael ever molested him.
Wade’s lawyer filed legal docs May 1 asking the judge in the Michael Jackson Estate case to allow him to file a late creditor’s claim against the Estate.  In the documents, Wade’s lawyer says he submitted a never-before filed complaint “for childhood sexual abuse.”

Somewhere an emaciated Macaulay Culkin is sitting in a filthy room full of empty red-bull cans and cigarette butts saying “You broke the oath, Wade. You broke the oath!”

Image:By dalbera from Paris, France [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D

“Are Those Children Available to Eat?”

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As much as Jennifer Lopez likes to pretend that she’s a real down-to-earth, icon of altruism,  occasionally a report gets out that show she’s really a demanding harpy whose ass consumes more calories daily than your typical African child. Like this report from the New York Post saying J-ello was in talks to perform in the opening ceremonies of India’s premier cricket league, an event that typically draws in 60 million viewers, but the deal fell apart over her outrageous demands.

Via Page Six:

Sources tell us the pampered pop princess’ manager,Benny Medina, had asked that a private plane be made available for her, along with numerous hotel rooms to house her huge entourage, which included an army of stylists, assistants and a personal chef.

Officials at the Pepsi IPL balked at their demands and instead booked rapper Pitbull for the opening ceremony, next Tuesday, which will also feature some of Bollywood’s biggest stars.

Great move demanding a private jet from a country whose per capita income is $3,500 with over 40% of its population living below the international poverty line of $1.25 a day. Personally I can’t even see J-ello stepping foot in a country like India,  all those dirty, barefoot children running around must be a real joykill. Plus, her ass is about two feet wider than the typical Indian car.

Tom Sorensen [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Catholic Church Hates Breasts

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The Catholic League is up in arms over the above cover  of Loaded magazine depicting giant-jugged UK model Lucy Pinder dressed in clothing exclusive to priests, and people trying to pick up on young boys by pretending to be priests. Via TMZ:

Bill Donohue — president of the Catholic League — tells TMZ, “Lucy Pinder shouldn’t have any problem turning men’s heads, so it is all the more gratuitous to see her wearing a priest’s stole, stitched with crosses, nicely covering her plus-sized chest.”

“Thank God, those breasts were covered,” he added. “Now, where’s my jar of Vienna sausages, I can’t get enough of these things!”
Later, when presented with a copy of the offending magazine cover, Donohue made the sign of the cross and said “Oh God, breasts! *Hiss, Hiss* Get back Satan!

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Adam Levine has always struck me as a guy trying waayyy to hard to be cool, and in his new interview with Refinery29 he not only proved that, but also that he’s a parsimonious bitch when he told them that he takes his first dates to McDonald’s because he thinks it’s “quirky and romantic.”

Let’s set this straight. It would be quirky and romantic if you were poor, and that was all you could afford. You’re a fucking millionaire, at least cough up the cash for a Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity at fucking Denny’s. What you’re actually being is cheap and clichéd. Adam tells the magazine:

“It’s a good, spontaneous, romantic thing you can do that’s also cost-effective. What if you don’t like the person? It’s only the first date. It’s the first time you’re hanging out — do something quirky and romantic. You don’t want to show it all off on the first date, you know? Dress fancy, but go to McDonalds. Her world will be so rocked. You might be able to take her to the opera afterwards. If you don’t like her, you can just take her home.” 

Okay, saying that a girl’s world will be so rocked that “you might be able to take her to the opera afterwards,” may be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard a musician say, including the time Freddie Mercury said “I’m a gay as a daffodil.”

Is going to McDonald’s with Adam Levine so fucking awesome that choking down some cold, over-salted fries and a dry, crusty hamburger really going to rock your world? Is $6.99 really the limit that he’s willing to spend on the off-chance that he might get laid? This guy either thinks way too much of himself or way too much of McDonald’s. Granted, I’ll blow ya on the first date for a pitcher of Newcastle and a cheeseburger at a roadside dive bar, ask my husband. (BTW, ladies, that’s how you get a man to propose.) But McDonald’s? Because you don’t want to spend too much money finding out if a girl likes you for your shitty personality rather than your money? Fuck you Adam, I’d rather go to the Grammy’s with Chris Brown.

Valentine’s Day With Mariah Carey is as Terrifying as you Would Imagine

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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like being married to Mariah Carey imagine a spoiled, insufferable 8-year-old who believes she’s really a princess but she’s really a 42-year-old woman who celebrates every holiday according to that description. So pretty much like being married to a fluffy, pink noose.

Mariah tweeted the above picture of herself and her dog in the bathtub getting ready for Valentine’s Day, and the picture below of her and husband, Nick Cannon, preparing for a Valentine’s date night. Mariah is really into clichéd romantic gestures like candles and balloons, and surgically removing the testicles of the men in her life.

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Kris Humphries’ Lawyer Calls it Quits

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Above: Kris Humphries attempts to understand the laws of motion while playing with a basketball.

The lawyer representing Kris Humphries in his divorce from Kim Kardashian has quit, saying him and his client didn’t see eye to eye on the case. Kris is demanding an annulment claiming the marriage was a publicity stunt and based in fraud, because apparently, Kris had never seen an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians prior to marrying Kim.

According to TMZ, Marshall Waller made it clear to his client There are no legal grounds for annulling his marriage to Kim, because there’s absolutely no evidence of fraud.

Our sources say Waller and Kris reached an impasse … because Kris’ out-of-state attorney, Lee Hutton won’t budge from the whole annulment thing.  So, Waller filed legal docs Thursday asking the judge to remove him from the case.

According to the State of California, “The fraud must have been about something vital to the relationship that directly affected why the party who was deceived agreed to the marriage or domestic partnership. Some examples are marrying only to get a green card or hiding the inability to have children.” Or in Kim’s case, maybe her vadge leaks sulfuric acid or she’s half centaur and sterile, kind of like a mule. They should really look into that last one.

I would say the real grounds for annulment based in California law is that Kris was of “unsound mind” when Kris Jenner convinced him to marry Kim, took him to a jeweler and picked out a ring for him to buy, arranged for him to propose in front of the film crew, then filmed the whole wedding for an E! television special

Any person that highly suggestible cannot possibly be in a sound state of mind. Even Britney Spears returning home from her weekly shock therapy session isn’t going to let Papa Spears order her a Big Mac at the McDonald’s drive-through when what she really wants is a 40-piece McNugget.

Kris just has to prove he’s the world’s biggest dimwit, which shouldn’t be hard considering he has the mental prowess of an ashtray. He just needs to stand in front of the judge and say, “I thought she loved me.” The judge will laugh so hard, he’ll grant Kris anything he wants.