Chrissy Tiegen’s posted the first picture of her and John Legend’s baby girl, Luna Simone on Instagram today. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rebecca, that’s just a frivolous way to display a gigantic pair of breasts on your website.” And you would be partially right. I’m going to walk you through this, but try not to stare too hard, it’s kind of like one of those 3-D pictures from the 90’s.
First, break your eyes from where they’ve been fixed since you opened this page. It’s okay, you can go back! Close your mouth. Slowly, move your gaze down. Too far. That’s a dog. Move back up a little. See the patch of hair? Now look left. That my friends is a baby camoflauged in its natural habitat.
In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.
“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.
“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use, I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”
The beginning of 2016 felt a lot like 2011, in that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth appeared to be back together after ringing in the new year and getting caught being affectionate at some Australian music festival that I imagine involved a didgeridoo. Except then I looked around and saw I was still 40 lbs. heavier and unemployed, with two kids and that my life was essentially over. Yeah, it’s 2016.
But enough bout me and the demise of my hopes and dreams, let us focus on the young and exhibitionistic. Since Miley spent 2015 parading her vagina around with Wayne Coyne in some kind of over-the-top Thai ping-pong show, let’s hope this rumor is true. It’s time someone wrestled Miley to the ground and stuffed that thing into some pants, and since Liam is Australian I’m sure he’s up for the task, it’ll be just like ‘gator hunting, but with more teeth.
Perhaps that headline was a little overreaching, and since the entire internet has already weighed in on whether or not it was appropriate for Olivia Wilde to post the below picture of her naked son’s ass to her Instagram, I will keep this short. For the sake of disclosure, I am fond of baby butt’s, they’re all squishy, and cheesy, and cute, and as a matter of fact I’m looking at one right now; my youngest likes to take off her diaper and shit on the floor. So let’s hope I can wrap up this post before that happens.
So here’s the problem with posting nude pictures of your kids on the internet, and before you get all defensive and say “but it’s cute and innocent, and you’re sick to even think of it like that” remember: Even a person as inept with computers as myself could take a program like Microsoft Paint (Paint, dammit!) and turn that image into something that would get me arrested in every country except Japan. Which means someone with skill and a professional version of Photoshop could turn your ‘cute’ picture into something that would make Jared Fogel ashamed to wank off to (but he still would.) I made a doodle using Paint to prove my point, but until CPS quits breathing down my neck, I thought it might not be a good idea to post it. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a turd on my floor I have to clean up before the social worker arrives. Those people are so anal.
Image: Cristiano Del Riccio [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
You know you’re an insufferable douche when the World’s Biggest Douche also finds you to be an insufferable douche. Which is the case when James Franco, arguably the smuggest piece of vaginal discharge on the planet, went on Howard Stern and expressed that Anne Hathaway kind of bugs the shit out of him too. This may be the most likable thing James Franco has done since cutting off his arm in that movie.
While he doesn’t come out and say he’d like to stuff a gasoline-soaked rag down her throat and light it on fire like I do, he pretty much agrees with Stern’s assertion that she’s a scripted robot trying desperately to win affection and in turn annoying the fuck out of everyone. Don’t get me wrong, James Franco is a panty waste, which is probably why he’s able to recognize one of his own.
Liam Hemsworth was spotted outside Miley Cyrus’ home this weekend holding a golf club, and while the hopeless romantics at TMZ take this as a sign that the couple have reconciled, I see it more as Liam is going to show Miley how people form the REAL South handle business.
Of course, where Miley’s from, having your fiancé beat you with a golf club for dressing up like a horse and embarrassing him is also a form of reconciliation. Ah, young love.
Twilight star Ashley Greene is beside herself with grief after a fire in her condo claimed the life of one of her dogs. According to TMZ the fire was started by a unattended candle that lit the couch on fire. When will people learn? Candles Kill!
The powerful candle lobby and its wealthy supporters have us blinded by pleasant scents and ambience. But when these things get into the wrong hands ie. people without a basic knowledge of how fire works, it’s only a matter of time before disaster strikes. RIP little dog, and damn you Yankee Candle Company!!!!
Oh, and Ashley? Might I be able to interest you in some cats?