Lady GaGa Offers Counseling to People Who Listen to Her Music

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Lady GaGa announced that she will be offering free counseling sessions before her Born This Way Ball to any concert-goers who wish to receive treatment.  The counseling sessions will take place aboard the Born Brave bus; yeah, you read that right, a bus.

This really raises a lot of questions. Like, why do people attending your concert need to see a counselor? Do you really think anyone with actual psychological problems will be able to get meaningful help inside of a bus, immediately before they drop some X, get drunk on $12 beer, and dance themselves into a stupor while listening to your clichéd music? And finally, shouldn’t you be offering them counseling after the concert when they realize they spent $100 to watch a transvestite sing Madonna songs?

Image:By Artpop Gaga (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, May God Help Us All

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I’m still not 100% convinced this isn’t a publicity stunt, but Kanye West implied on stage last night at his concert in Atlantic that Kim Kardashian is pregnant by saying “Can we make some noise for my baby mama, right quick?”

And then the cackling banshees that are Kim’s sisters both confirmed the news on Twitter, (of course.)

From Khloe:  “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freakin excited”

and from Kourtney: “Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can.”

I guess it makes sense, Kim was probably contractually obligated by E! and Satan to have a baby within six years. Regardless of your beliefs, you should start praying immediately, because if it’s true, this baby is is going to be like the kid from The Omen. A child spawned by fame whores, nurtured in a womb of Botox, and nursed at the teat of reality television. When this thing emerges from Kim’s yawning, cavernous vadge it will be  holding a bottle of amniotic fluid and calling it its first fragrance release. And it will only get worse from there.  Kim will probably auction off her placenta and the baby’s cord blood, then she’ll sell the first screaming, bloody pictures of that devil spawn to People for a couple million.

Image:By Eva Rinaldi  Uploaded by MyCanon (Kim Kardashian) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Stacy Keibler’s Barely Hanging On

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One day it’s champagne with George Clooney at his Lake Como estate in Italy, the next it’s beer pong with Michael Phelps at a dive bar in Mexico.  I couldn’t think of two more disparate scenarios, but that seems to be the situation Stacy Keibler’s in when she tweeted this picture with the caption “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”Saturday night from Cabo San Lucas where she was hanging out with the slack-jawed Olympic swimmer.

To be fair, George Clooney is in Mexico with her, and a few other B-celebrities, but I can’t see this lasting much longer.  George is classy, I can’t see him wanting to spend New Years with the likes of Jimmy Fallon, Jennifer Aniston and that guy she’s playing beard to, Jennifer’s probably asking him every twenty minutes if Brad ever talks about her.

My guess is he’s trying to let her down gently. “See,” he’ll say, ” you don’t need a private jet and the Oscars to be happy, you just need a Mexican resort and beer pong.” This is the writing on the wall Stacy, you’re days are numbered. 2013 is going to see you and Michael Phelps in a sports themed reality show that will likely involve Jello wrestling.

Image: Instagram_@stacykeibler

Beyonce’s Fans are Going to Stampede Superbowl XLVII

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As if the overweight, desperate faction of Beyonce’s fans haven’t been empowered enough by songs like Irreplaceable and Single Ladies , Beyonce  has to go and give them another boost of self confidence by bringing them onstage with her at Superbowl 2013.

Beyonce has teamed up with  Pepsi to choose 50 of her fattest, ugliest fans  (because you  know she’s not going to let anyone remotely attractive on stage with her) and those 50 fans will get to bring an even fatter, uglier friend, (because you know those bitches aren’t going to bring a friend who looks better than them.) Then all 100 of them are going to shake their  badonkadonks and test the power of the screws holding the temporary stage together, and as terrible as that sounds, it will still be a vast improvement over Madonna.  You can participate in the contest by uploading a photo of yourself dancing here.  Although, now that I’ve explained it, I don’t see why you would want to.

Image:By Beyoncé_Knowles_GMA_2011.jpg: Asterio Tecson derivative work: Danny toons (Beyoncé_Knowles_GMA_2011.jpg) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Brandi Glanville Gives Dating Advice

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Real Housewife and former model Brandi Glanville’s husband, Eddie Cibrian, left her to be with LeAnn Rimes, who looks like Gollum with a blonde wig. So I’m not sure she’s qualified to give advice on anything, except maybe how to be so insufferable that sex with LeAnn Rimes somehow seems palatable.

But that didn’t stop old Brandi from dishing it out anyways, via Twitter:

“2 drink max on 1st dates,NEVER wear cute chonies esp. If he is super HOT,dont talk about ex’s&be who u r not who u think he wants u2b ;),”

Thanks Brandi, if you had taken the time to actually spell out the words you might have enough for a book. And if you ever take Brandi out on a date, just remember that she’s wearing granny panties.

Image: Twitter_@brandiglanville

Britney Spears Leaving X-Factor Because She’s a Dullard

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Us Magazine says that Britney Spears is going to be fired as an X-Factor judge, because staring blankly and chewing gum isn’t worth $15 million a year.

From Us:

“Britney will get the boot,” an insider tells Hot Stuff of the pop star, who joined the show in May, along with fellow newcomer Demi Lovato. “Producers wanted her for the long haul, but it isn’t working.”

One reason? Spears’ $15 million contract, which sources say the low-energy mentor hasn’t earned. “They paid all that for her to say ‘amazing’ and offer half-claps,” a second insider tells Us.

Adds a third source of show co-creator Simon Cowell, who is leading the charge to axe the performer: “He wanted crazy Britney, but he got boring Britney.”

Boring indeed, as long as Britney’s taking her meds she’s about as dull as a lobotomized cantaloupe.  I can’t blame Simon, the empty chair Britney leaves behind will at least have ironic appeal and probably offer more insight and perspective than Britney could on her best day.

Image:By MuLaN™ (Flickr: britney spears) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Put Your Money On Natalie Portman

NataliePortmanTIFFSept10Natalie Portman is one of those boring celebrities who has never been in the news for anything negative whatsoever, not even a vadge flash. Better step it up,  Natalie, even Anne Hathaway’s doing it, and that bitch is competition!  But I digress.   I’m writing about Natalie because she was named Forbe’s magazine most bankable celebrity of 2012.  According to the Forbe’s, Natalie pulled in $42.70 for every dollar she was paid.

This is in sharp contrast to Lindsay Lohan who spent $3.47  on drugs for every dollar earned in some kind of unsustainable pyramid- scheme and Jessica Simpson who gained a quarter pound for every dollar she was paid by Weight Watchers.

Image: John Steven Fernandez [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons