Yeah, I Wear A Fanny Pack, So Fucking What?

A woman indicating to the males of her species that she’s not interested in intercourse.

When I told my husband I was contemplating buying and wearing a fanny pack, i.e. ‘belt bag’ he threatened to stop having sex with me. Which now that I think about it wasn’t exactly a threat, so it didn’t really deter me.  Wearing a fanny pack pretty much says you’re not interested in having sex, plus I have three kids and am in a committed relationship so he can hold out all he wants but  I know he’ll eventually fold. What he doesn’t realize is that fanny packs are cool again. In an ironic kind of way. Even though Donald Trump has built a wall around irony and sent in the marines to keep it from coming in to our country, irony still exists in the fashion world. Fanny packs aren’t sexy, but then again they kind of are, they accentuate your waist, and they also indicate that you don’t give a fuck, which is kind of an attractive trait in a trashy, socks-with- Birkenstocks kind of way.  Also, Fanny packs are convenient. Have you ever been in line at the grocery store, digging through your purse looking for your wallet only to come up with a single sock, a moldy orange, and some hairy cheetohs? One time in at Costco I went to take my wallet out of my purse and realized that an entire bottle of children’s liquid Tylenol had spilled inside. The fanny pack allows you to be a minimalist. In my fanny pack, I only have room for my debit and credit card, my phone, a chapstick and a pacifier.

Once you’ve decided your ready to commit to the item you mercilessly mocked your parents over, you’ll find that these days there’s a lot of options. You can all-in and spend $3,000 on the Hermes Cityslide which tries to pretend it’s not a fanny pack since you can also sling it over your shoulder, but they’re not fooling anyone and neither are you if you think dropping 3K on a fanny pack somehow makes it any better. Mid-range, there’s lot’s of attractive options, just go to Nordstrom’s and search fanny packs and you’ll find options from a $400 MCM ‘Belt Bag’ to a $100 Kate Spade fanny pack that looks more like a purse, even the obnoxiously omnipresent yoga brand Lululemon has one. But, who are you kidding? You’re wearing a fanny pack, you probably didn’t even brush your hair or change your underwear. Plus, you don’t want to dive head first into the world of fanny packs, you want to dip your toes in, see if you have have the ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude it takes to wear your purse around your waist. I settled on a basic, black $20 Jansport model that was on sale for $12.

Before it arrived, I made sure I told as many people as I could that I had ordered a fanny pack. I didn’t want to upset anyone, or have someone call me in as a 5150. I awaited it with a mix of anxiety and anticipation. When it arrived I didn’t wear it for a few days, I’ll admit: I was a little embarrassed. When I went to empty out my purse and transfer it’s contents into my purse, I poured about a cup of sand out of the bottom that had been in there for about two months. There was straw wrappers, old receipts, a opened nail polish that had leaked everywhere and other pieces of miscellaneous garbage. Getting rid of my purse forced me to use the fanny pack, and once I did, I started liking it. I now proudly sport my fanny pack at Costco and the grocery store and, ummm….uhhhhh… I guess I don’t really go too many other places that that. I haven’t had a date night since the fanny pack came, but I bet you when we do, I’m totally going to get some.

Image: By Plot Spoiler [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)%5D, from Wikimedia Commons

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Brad Pitt is Single & High, Do I Have a Chance?

File:Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Cannes.jpg

Tell Kit Harrington to pack up his hair care products and get the fuck out of my fantasies because Brad Pitt is on the rebound and possibly pretty drunk, the type of man I’m really good at attracting.

TMZ reported this morning that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences (note: I will reconcile the shit out of you Brad.) Sources close to the couple say the problem stems from Brad ‘s consumption of marijuana and alcohol as well as his anger  issues when he’ dealing with the children. See Brad? That’s three things we have in common right there!

Not only do I need to extend a warm ‘Thanks’ to Angelina for turning Brad out cold and stoned to be ripped apart in the streets limb by limb by every desperate woman over 30 who watched Thelma & Louise during their formative years, but also for stomping out every other headline of the day. Another unarmed black man shot by police? Donald Trump suggests ceding Alaska from the Union in order to create the World’s largest refugee internment camp to be administered by Sarah Palin? Who fucking cares? I haven’t written a post since April, this is obviously the most important thing to happen to me or anyone else in the past six months.

 

Image:Georges Biard [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Chrissy Tiegen’s Breasts Play ‘Hide the Baby’

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hi my lulu!

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Chrissy Tiegen’s posted the first picture of her and John Legend’s baby girl, Luna Simone on Instagram today. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rebecca, that’s just a frivolous way to display a gigantic pair of breasts on your website.” And you would be partially right. I’m going to walk you through this, but try not to stare too hard, it’s kind of like one of those 3-D pictures from the 90’s.

First, break your eyes from where they’ve been fixed since you opened this page. It’s okay, you can go back! Close your mouth.  Slowly, move your gaze down. Too far. That’s a dog. Move back up a little. See the patch of hair? Now look left. That my friends is a baby camoflauged in its natural habitat.

Image: Instagram

Whoopi Goldberg Wants to Party With Your Period

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If you had asked me two days ago what Whoopi Goldberg and my period had in common I would have replied “Sister Act” without a second’s hesitation, but that would have been wrong. The right answer is weed. Remember that kids. It always is!

Via Vanity Fair:

Goldberg announced Wednesday that she’s launching a medical-marijuana company with Maya Elisabeth, one of the leading “canna-businesswomen” in the field, with a line of products designed to provide relief from menstrual cramps.

The company, Maya & Whoopi, will offer cannabis edibles, tinctures, topical rubs, and a THC-infused bath soak that it describes as “profoundly relaxing.”

So you mean to tell me that now being on my period is not only an excuse to not have sex with my husband, it’s also a good reason to get high? In the bath tub? This is the best thing to happen to menstruation since Funyuns.

Image:By David Shankbone (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

An Acceptance Speech From Susan Sarandon’s Cleavage

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First of all, we would like to say what an honor it is for us to be up here. Secondly, we would like to say, it’s about fucking time! If only we had received this kind of attention forty years ago, we might not have been so compelled to keep ’em swinging well in to middle age and beyond, but then again, we wouldn’t be here tonight. Sure, you could have chose to focus your attention and your ‘Internet’ on breasts a half or even a third of our age, but you chose us, and seeing all the magnificent celebrity tits available for viewing on ‘Insta-message’ and knowing you still picked us makes it that much more meaningful. We know by tomorrow you’ll have moved on to the next pair, the next vadge flash, the next twit or twat or whatever the fuck you call them, but tonight is our night and we would like to end by saying, don’t sell yourselves short! Every 20-year-old’s tits are a work of art, but to have amazing breasts at almost 70 is a labor of love, and that makes your appreciation so much more meaningful. Thank you and Goodnight!

BrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

By GabboT (Meddler 10) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Leave Barbie Alone Dammit!

Mattel Can't Update Barbie Without Running Into Updated Problems

Mattel unrolled its new Barbie dolls today, which now come in three body types-curvy, petite and tall- as well as a wide variety of skin, hair and eye colors. Let me start by saying I’m all for promoting a more diverse standard of beauty and as the mother of two young girls I’m glad that…wait, no, fuck that.

I love Barbie because she’s the tall, skinny, blonde Scandinavian with an impossibly small nose that I could never be.  She was my hot, slutty friend who allowed me to vicariously live the life my parents would never approve of and my squat Italian figure would never give me: Giving blow jobs to Ken in the back seat of the Jeep, and pondering with my sister, Skipper, if we should tell him about the baby or just get the abortion.

Since Barbie’s inception, she’s faced criticism for promoting an unrealistic standard of beauty and causing issues of body-image in young girls, I however like to think I have a little more depth than to blame my numerous personal problems on a doll. My soul-crushing insecurity, my inability to form meaningful relationships,  my numerous home plastic surgery attempts and the fact that the only thing I’ve eaten today is a Kale salad from Costco obviously stem from a lack of a father figure.

In summation, making Barbie shorter and fatter isn’t going to make anyone feel better about themselves, it’s just going to remind us all what we really look like. No thank you.

Image: Mattel

Khloe Made a Sex Tape. Of Course She Did.

 

kraken&khloe

In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered  what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.

“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use,  I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”