Monthly Archives: May 2013

J-Lo’s Cameltoe Blitzkreigs the UK

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Jennifer Lopez’ crotch invaded British airwaves on this week’s episode of Britain’s Got Talent somehow managing to outrage a country that grants unquestioned adulation toward an antiquated figurehead giving them a $50 million salary because hey, it’s tradition.

J-ello graced the stage to perform her new single Live It Up wearing a black vinyl unitard that exposed every contour of what can only be described as a 43-year-old ham sandwich, and the Brits were horrified, writing in multiple complaints and expressing their disgust via Twitter with comments such as:

“Could Jennifer Lopez’s outfit be any more inappropriate for a family show??? #bgt #jlo #thrusting?!”

“Think I have seen a little too much of Jennifer Lopez – meant to be a family show? #inappropriate #bgt.”

Keep in mind this is a country that graciously allows topless women on their basic cable and beaches, so I’m guessing it’s not the outfit itself, but the clammy, blown-out-by-twins-vagina underneath that’s got everyone so upset. Oh, and the fact that she’s Mexican, the British are totally racist.

Kim Kardashian is Poisoning Her Baby, Looks Great!

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Because everyone knows a child gestating in the warm womb of narcissism and self-importance is impervious to things like, you know, toxic chemicals, Kim Kardiashian is still getting Botox injections despite being seven months pregnant. “Eh, who cares if my kids retarded, I won’t be taking care of it. Besides, having a forehead that moves is totally gross.” From In Touch:

Insiders tell In Touch that Kim is putting her baby’s health on the line in the name of beauty. “She’s still getting injections even though she’s seven months pregnant,”says an insider. Kim’s obsession with beauty hasn’t only driven her to get chemicals injected into her face — she’s also been having gel manicures and spray tans, all procedures that could have consequences for her unborn baby with boyfriend Kanye West. “She’s so worried about what she looks like — that’s why she’s still getting Botox,” says a family insider. “She’ll go to any lengths to protect the one thing that’s most precious to her: her beauty.”

Kim and I are the same age, and the wax figure of Kim at Madame Tussaud’s looks more natural than she does. I on the other hand, have a forehead that looks like a sheet of college ruled paper. Combined with my majestic hump from sitting over a computer 16 hours a day, I like to think that I’m ushering in a new standard of beauty for faceless blogger everywhere.

James Lipton Was a Pimp. You Read That Right

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Here’s a tidbit of news I wasn’t expecting to read this morning, James Lipton, yes, that James Lipton with the beard from Inside the Actors Studio, was a pimp in post-WWII Paris. I’ll let that sit for a minute. From People:

Lipton reveals that he was initially a friend of a prostitute who later ended up getting him into the business.

“When I ran out of money, I said, ‘I have to go home,'” he says. “She said, ‘No, you don’t. I’ll arrange for you.’ So she arranged for me to do it. I had to be okayed by the underworld, otherwise they would’ve found me floating in the Seine.”

Of that era, Lipton says, “Young women desperately needed money for various reasons. They were beautiful and young and extraordinary. There was no opprobrium because it was completely regulated. Every week they had to be inspected medically. The great bordellos were still flourishing in those days before the sheriff of Paris, a woman, closed them down. It was a different time.”

Only James Lipton could class up a story about pimping by throwing in a word like ‘opprobrium,’ which I actually had to look up…what the fuck are you waiting for? Look it up, asshole. Now that I know about his sordid past, it kind of makes sense. Think of the intense looks and line of questioning he grills actors with on ITAS, you can practically here him say “où est mon argent, putain?”

Can We All Agree That Amanda Bynes’ Twitter Account is a National Treasure?

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After her arrest last week for possession of drugs and attempted murder with a bong, Amanda Bynes had a quiet, uneventful weekend sitting at home on Twitter posting William Faulkner-esque stream-of-consciousness like rants that nobody understands but are supposed to believe are meaningful and important nonetheless, at one point claiming the arresting police officer ‘slapped her vagina.’ Years from now, experts will marvel at her literary genius:

I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. 

Amanda then tweeted the reason Chris Brown beat Rihanna was because she was ugly, before realizing that statement might not be well received by most people except maybe certain residents of the South and the Hell’s Angels, and quickly deleted it, but not before Rihanna could reply in a surprisingly lucid manner:

Ya see what happens when they cancel Intervention?

To which Amanda replied:

@rihanna unlike ur fugly faced self I don’t do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met ur ugly face in person! U aren’t pretty u know it!

Amanda then claimed that those tweets to Rihanna were FAKE, even though they used the phrase ‘ugly face’ which has pretty much become a registered trademark of Amanda Bynes:

I saw a bunch of mocked up tweets about me bashing Rihanna in my mentions. I’m followed by so many people that someone is always mocking up fake tweets so I feel the need to address them! Rihanna and I met and I’m sure we’ll be in a music video together one day! 

And that pretty much brings us up to date on Amanda Bynes. Oh, did I also mention that Amanda plans on becoming a rapper now? Her first single will be “Slap My Vagina.” It practically writes itself.

Will Smith Blows…At Kicking Balls

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Over the weekend Will Smith and his hideously-deformed celebrity spawn, Jaden, (wait, I’m being told that’s just what he looks like, nevermind,) attended the Champions League Festival in London where they were invited on to the field to attempt a penalty kick, and by ‘attempt’ I mean Will pranced around like a fluffer trying to make a good impression on his first day on the set of Deep Penetration 9 before completely blowing it, pun intended. Keep in mind this is the man we’re all supposed to believe has saved the world on numerous occasions with his physical prowess and know-how of firearms. So much for my willing suspension of disbelief, Agent Jay. In fact, saying Will Smith kicks like a girl is a little sexist on my part because I’m pretty sure even Helen Keller could have at least made contact with the ball.

Amanda Bynes Was Arrested Last Night

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We’ll I certainly never saw this coming. Amanda Bynes was arrested last night for possession of weed as well as a few other crimes that involve her literally trying to kill somebody with a bong, which now that I think about it, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before. From TMZ:

According to law enforcement sources … a building official called police after spotting Amanda in the lobby with a joint, acting erratically and talking to herself.  We’re told when cops arrived they knocked at her door and she let them in.  
Our sources say when police saw the bong Amanda quickly tossed it out the window … which fortunately didn’t hit anyone on the street below.
Amanda, who was wearing a platinum blonde wig, was placed under arrest and went ballistic, yelling, “Don’t you know who I am?”
She was booked for criminal possession of pot, as well as reckless endangerment and FELONY tampering with evidence.
Our law enforcement sources say Amanda was briefly taken to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation and then taken to the station for booking.  

Fortunately? Don’t editorialize TMZ. If Amanda had actually hurt a person with that thing, or God forbid killed them, they might be able to put her away for a while. As is, she’s going to be released in a few hours and the first thing she’s going to do is get the death ray she’s been making out of disassembled microwaves and old cell phones over the past year operational. “There’s still a few flaws to be worked out with the concentration levels,” she’ll say, “but I’m confident it’ll be able to light my joint and wipe out a quarter of the population.” *laughs maniacally*

A&E Cancels Intervention, My Justification For Getting High

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There’s nothing I love more than cutting a few lines, rolling a fatty, cracking open my 40oz. and sitting in righteous condemnation of those whose problems are slightly worse than my own. It’s kind of what I imagine being a Christian feels like. So with that, I can’t begin to express how deeply disappointed I am that A&E has cancelled Intervention after 13 seasons. Did they finally run out of people high enough to actually believe they were taking part in a documentary about addiction but didn’t know they would soon face an intervention?

I was a little worried about finding another show portraying desperate, delusional people hitting rock bottom to justify my own troubles, but then I found out this bitch finally sucked the right dick and got herself a reality show, so I guess I have that to look forward to.