Geraldo Thinks he Still Has It, Doesn’t Know What ‘It’ is

Much to the chagrin of the entire internet, Geralda Rivera posted the above picture of himself in a low-slung towel to Twitter over the weekend because he thinks he quote “looks pretty good for a 70-year-old.” Try to avert your eyes and check out what’s going on in the background of the picture. Is Geraldo a hoarder? Is that glass thing in the foreground a penis pump?

Geraldo quickly deleted the picture from his Twitter unaware that the function ‘right click-copy’ exists and that the picture was already posted on thirty other websites 30 seconds after he hit ‘tweet.’

And since we’re posting pics of things that we think look halfway decent considering the wear and tear of life they’ve endured, stay posted for a picture of my used tampons. Damn things hold up pretty good.

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Miley Cyrus Gives Great Advice

In light of his recent troubles that involve drugs, spitting on strangers and pissing in buckets, Miley Cyrus has issued a very meaningful warning to Justin Bieber to stop being ‘stupid,’ via Page Six:

“When you’re not around, all they want is your music. They want to see what the next thing is. But when your music is out they just want to talk s**t about you.

“When you’re a worldwide star, everyone sees everything. Lots of people make a video and put it on Instagram, some people might think it’s funny but because it’s Justin Bieber, it’s really bad.

“I always tell him just to be cool and not talk about it because when you talk it fuels the fire. He’s still stupid though. But everyone does dumb stuff when they are messed up, and he’s done dumb stuff.”
Miley then posted a selfie smoking a joint on Twitter, removed her pants and filmed a Youtube video  twerking in nothing but a single, sequined glove. There’s something here about the possum calling the ‘coon gray.

Emma Roberts Beat Up Her Boyfriend Because She’s Ugly & Talentless. There I Said It

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Three days ago when Emma Roberts beat up her boyfriend everyone was like “Oh my God, Emma Robert’s, she’s Julia Robert’s niece, she has such a squeaky clean, perfectly puckered butthole image.” So here’s an article from TMZ to refute all that by saying Emma’s friends are concerned she’s becoming the next Lindsay Lohan.

Sources close to Emma tell TMZ … over the last year Emma has dug herself deep into the L.A. party scene. We’re told it all started after she broke up with “Glee” star Chord Overstreet — she began going out all night, hitting the clubs and surrounding herself with people who don’t keep their noses clean. 

Our sources say a lot of Emma’s friends don’t know how to help her because Emma won’t  acknowledge the change in her behavior. 

Indeed, we’re told after her arrest … Emma wouldn’t talk to her friends about it, acting like nothing happened.  Her friends are convinced … a night of partying contributed to the brawl and the arrest. 

 Really, this all makes sense because when you get to take the fast-track to celebrity due to your last name rather than say, talent or hard work you realize that responsibility and non-violence is for suckers *cough* Charlie Sheen. Besides, Emma Roberts is already redundant because let’s face it, she’s really just a less appealing version of Anne Hathaway, which I didn’t even think was possible. 

Image: Joella Marano from Manhattan, NY derivative work: Parzi [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Justin Bieber is Still Sharing his DNA

Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

Justin Bieber continues to prove to the world what an urbane and sophisticated young man he is by once again, spitting in another man’s, then presumably running behind his bodyguard sticking and his head out with his thumbs in his ears and going, “neener, neener you can’t get me.”

From TMZ:

The man — a DJ who performed at the Social Room on Park Street in Columbus, OH earlier that evening — called in to the Dave and Jimmy show on WNCI and explained the saga … saying it all started in the VIP room.

“Two of Bieber’s bouncers approached me and said I was trying to take pictures of Bieber.”

The man thinks JB was concerned because it was a 21+ night in the club … and Justin’s only 19.

The DJ says Bieber’s people grabbed his phone and started going through it looking for pics — but didn’t find any. Still, the man claims, the bouncers told JB the DJ was trying to take pics.

According to the DJ, Justin approached him moments later … and spouted off a couple of “choice words.”

“He called my mom something, called my dad something, called me something … and spit in my face.”

Okay, spitting on another person is the kind of thing that could and should get you killed. It’s the kind of thing ghetto transvestites do and it’s complete pussy shit which makes me believe that this story is true. So since George Zimmerman is a free man why don’t we send Justin to Florida, have him innocuously walk down the street and let Zimmerman work his magic. He can call it an act of redemption, only in America folks.

Image:Fame/Flynet

There’s Nothing Left to be Seen of Farrah Abraham

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In a desperate bid to maintain her relevancy, Farrah Anal-ham has reached out to Playboy to pose in their magazine only to be rejected, twice. I’m guessing because after you’ve seen someone’s butthole getting torn apart by a well-hung porn star it kinda takes the excitement out of things. There’s saying that applies here, something about paying to masturbate to a tasteful nude when you have a fame-whore on your computer doing anal. From TMZ:

Sources tell us, the star of “Backdoor Teen Mom” reached out to the men’s magazine following her sex tape release about appearing fully nude in an upcoming issue … one of her lifelong dreams.
But the mag said no way, hoe-se.
That didn’t stop Farrah from trying one more time though — we’re told she reached out again last month … and the magazine shot back with a SECOND NO, saying they just didn’t have enough room for her.

And because having a child who was an unwed teen mother AND a porn star is something to aspire to these days rather than something you hide at a convent so she won’t be able to shame your family name, Farrah’s dad, Mike Abraham, plans to write a book on parenting. Although I don’t know why anybody would bother reading a book when you can get the exact same results for your daughter simply by going out for a pack of smokes when she’s five and never coming back.

 

Cory Monteith is Dead, Lindsay Lohan Isn’t

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31-year-old Glee star Cory Monteith was found dead in his Vancouver hotel room on Saturday. Back in March I wrote about how Glee star Cory had quietly and voluntarily entered rehab for drug abuse despite not giving us the laying-on-the-floor-of-a-Brazilian-nightclub-spectacle-of-a-train-wreck that we’ve come to expect prior to rehab from other celebrities, and by that I mean Lindsay Lohan.

And while Lindsay went to court-ordered rehab biting and gouging while saying she doesn’t have a problem, Cory quietly completed his rehab and returned to normal life. I don’t want to speculate on what caused his death because everyone is just assuming it’s drugs, which isn’t fair because he seemed very serious about facing his problems and overcoming them.

If it was drugs, I have to  wonder if Lindsay Lohan has become so saturated with vodka and Botox that’s she’s actually become embalmed and will be able to live forever like some coke-addled mummy. That’s the only explanation I can think of that would explain why this guy is dead and she’s still walking around scoring interviews with Oprah.

Image:By Dondfan998 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Halle Berry Married That Crazy Guy, Oh Good

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A pregnant Halle Berry secretly got married in France over the week to boyfriend Olivier Martinez, the man who beat the living crap out of her daughter Nahla’s father on their front lawn last Thanksgiving. I’m sure because he’s French, Olivier thought “Thanksgiving” meant black eyes and broken teeth on the driveway. It’s practically a tradition in some households. This will be Halle’s third marriage so she’s knows by now what works and what doesn’t, like pairing a hot-tempered, violent foreigner with an accusatory, self-centered celebrity. They were practically made for each other.

 

Image:By Jenn Deering Davis  Uploaded by MyCanon (Halle Berry) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons