A ‘source’ that totally isn’t Kim Kardashian tells US Weekly that Kim Kardashian is expecting a baby girl this July, because Kim suddenly has reservations about whoring out the unborn. Instead, Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner revealed the baby’s sex and once she cashes the check she got for the story she’ll give Kim her cut.
It’s looking like the last two trimesters of Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy are not going to be easy. First, she can’t get Botox anymore, so I’m guessing her face is probably going to fall off, and second she’s faced with the herculean task of finding pieces of cloth big enough to cover her all-encompassing ass as the child from The Omen continues to grow inside her putrid womb.
Even though she still has another six months to go, Kim’s pretty much given up trying to be fashionable and has decided to go for comfort instead. She was photographed Saturday (above) wearing Kanye’s clothes and looking a disheveled wreck, then she was spotted wearing this dumpy mess, and then this monstrosity on Live With Kelly and Michael.
No one wants to see the side boob of a pregnant woman, Kim. And you’re never going to score those maternity endorsements looking like you pulled a Scarlett O’Hara and turned your curtains into a dress. Get it together, one pair of Khloe’s underwear should yield enough cloth for a nice frumpy-looking skirt, just be sure to cut out the crotch.
I’m still not 100% convinced this isn’t a publicity stunt, but Kanye West implied on stage last night at his concert in Atlantic that Kim Kardashian is pregnant by saying “Can we make some noise for my baby mama, right quick?”
And then the cackling banshees that are Kim’s sisters both confirmed the news on Twitter, (of course.)
From Khloe: “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freakin excited”
and from Kourtney: “Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can.”
I guess it makes sense, Kim was probably contractually obligated by E! and Satan to have a baby within six years. Regardless of your beliefs, you should start praying immediately, because if it’s true, this baby is is going to be like the kid from The Omen. A child spawned by fame whores, nurtured in a womb of Botox, and nursed at the teat of reality television. When this thing emerges from Kim’s yawning, cavernous vadge it will be holding a bottle of amniotic fluid and calling it its first fragrance release. And it will only get worse from there. Kim will probably auction off her placenta and the baby’s cord blood, then she’ll sell the first screaming, bloody pictures of that devil spawn to People for a couple million.