Since I’ll never be able to afford the actual picture, I’ve taken the liberty of using the photo ISIS has been distributing as proof of the birth of the Islamic Antichrist. Close enough.
Behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to proclaim the birth of the holy progeny, the first born son of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is delivered unto us . A savior born of obscene wealth and priviledge that we might forget the ills and troubles of the world, and our own shitty, disastified existence in order to praise him and increase the bidding price for the first photo.
Update: They named the baby Saint, so my assertions weren’t too far off, though if they had named it Christ I would have won $100.
Remember a few months ago when rumors were going around that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were going to name their baby North West and everyone just assumed it was only a rumor because that couldn’t possibly be true and that’s the stupidest fucking name anyone’s ever heard of? Turns out it was true, they honest to God named the baby North West. There hasn’t been any mention of a middle name, probably because when you give your child a first name that only makes sense when paired with their last name and instantly makes people who hear it think “God, your parents are idiots,” you don’t want to mess up that flow by giving them a normal sounding middle name that might offer them some alternative to having to go by a compass direction for the rest of their lives.
Amidst allegations that Kanye West had sexual relations with 24-year-old model Leyla Ghobadi while Kim Kardashian was pregnant with his child, the couple have attempted to present a united front to the media as a demonstration of the strength of their relationship. And by that I mean Kanye flew to Switzerland to perform a surprise show on Wednesday at a Design Miami event during Art Basel in Switzerland, leaving Kim in Los Angeles to give birth any second, which is exactly what she did.
Kim delivered a baby girl at Cedars-Sinai on Saturday after going into labor on Friday, and “sources” claim that despite missing almost every other milestone in Kim’s pregnancy, Kanye was miraculously present, appearing like Jesus for the birth of his first child which I imagine went something like this:
” I know you’re a doctor and I’mma let you do you thing, but this is the greatest baby ever born. Now someone get me some forceps and a croissant.”
A ‘source’ that totally isn’t Kim Kardashian tells US Weekly that Kim Kardashian is expecting a baby girl this July, because Kim suddenly has reservations about whoring out the unborn. Instead, Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner revealed the baby’s sex and once she cashes the check she got for the story she’ll give Kim her cut.
I’m still not 100% convinced this isn’t a publicity stunt, but Kanye West implied on stage last night at his concert in Atlantic that Kim Kardashian is pregnant by saying “Can we make some noise for my baby mama, right quick?”
And then the cackling banshees that are Kim’s sisters both confirmed the news on Twitter, (of course.)
From Khloe: “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freakin excited”
and from Kourtney: “Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can.”
I guess it makes sense, Kim was probably contractually obligated by E! and Satan to have a baby within six years. Regardless of your beliefs, you should start praying immediately, because if it’s true, this baby is is going to be like the kid from The Omen. A child spawned by fame whores, nurtured in a womb of Botox, and nursed at the teat of reality television. When this thing emerges from Kim’s yawning, cavernous vadge it will be holding a bottle of amniotic fluid and calling it its first fragrance release. And it will only get worse from there. Kim will probably auction off her placenta and the baby’s cord blood, then she’ll sell the first screaming, bloody pictures of that devil spawn to People for a couple million.