Jennifer Lawrence is My Type of Girl

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Jennifer Lawrence has been spotted smoking from a suspicious looking rolled up cigarette on a hotel balcony in Hawaii that some are claiming might be *gasp* marijuana. If it is, I say good for her, nothing like rewarding yourself for some hard work and a job well done. I gave myself the same reward for waking up and getting out of the bed this morning. Okay, I didn’t actually get out of bed.

Image: By Jenn Deering Davis  Uploaded by MyCanon (Jennifer Lawrence) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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Meet Taylor Swift’s Latest Bridge Partner

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E! News is reporting that Taylor Swift spent the night before the 2013  Brit Awards with this guy, British singer/songwriter, Ed Sheeran. Taylor’s hoping if she dates someone just ugly enough, he’ll realize how lucky he is to be in an asexual relationship with impish, scrunch-faced baby and eventually propose. So she went to Shire, picked up this unfortunate-looking fellow, and promptly brought him to her hotel room for a rousing evening of canasta.

A witness tells E! News that the night before the 2013 Brit Awards (where Taylor performed in a wedding dress and then stripped down to a skintight black ensemble) Ed arrived at Taylor’s hotel and went straight to her room. From there, the twosome “stayed in the room, just the two of them, until around 4 a.m.,” according to a source.

When Ed left the hotel, he got into the car that Taylor had used earlier in the day and was driven away.

Another source tells E! News that Taylor and Ed “briefly dated last spring. He thinks she is really cute and they have a great chemistry together.” 

If it were any other couple staying in a hotel room together until four in the morning, I’d say they were snorting lines off each other’s taints and fucking like monkeys. But this is Taylor Swift and a ugly ginger, so she probably did what I do when I like a guy’s personality but can’t stand the way he looks-let him dry hump me while I pretend to sleep.

Morrissey Doesn’t Think Gay Men Can Do What Straight Men Can Do

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In what may be the most breathtakingly ignorant thing I’ve ever read on the internet, which is saying A LOT, Morrissey, former frontman of the Smiths, and arguably the world’s first EMO, told online magazine Rookie:

“War, I thought, was the most negative aspect of male heterosexuality. If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men,”

Which sounds good at first because why would you want to kill another man when you’re busy grinding your junk against his ass while techno music pulsates to  the gyrations of your groin and glitter rains down from above? But historically speaking, plenty of gay men have been responsible for war and death, like the Greeks and the Romans where homosexuality was common and accepted amongst their leaders, as well as some famous generals and military leaders like Alexander the Great, Julius Ceaser, Lawrence of Arabia and Baron Von Steuben. Not to mention all the serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy and Andrew Cunanan.

So really, not only is Morrisey’s assertion grossly inaccurate, saying a gay guy is incapable of killing another man is a little sexist. A gay person should go stab him just to prove him wrong.

Image: Caligvla at en.wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0

Jason Segel & Michelle Williams are Selfish, Couldn’t Work it Out For My Sake

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I didn’t write about this sooner because I didn’t want to believe it was true that Jason Segel and Michelle Williams split up. I know most of the time I’m a hateful, misanthropic shrew, but I really like these two together, even though now that I think about it, a guy who plays with puppets and does full frontal probably shouldn’t be around kids.

 US Weekly reports the two split because the long-distance thing wasn’t working, he’s based in LA and she’s in New York. I believe it, I bet it’s pretty hard to put your dick in someone from across the continent, unless you’re Don Johnson.

Liam Hemsworth Might Have Cheated on Miley Cyrus, But He Probably Didn’t

Hahahahahaha! No. It’s a well-documented fact January Jones is a frigid harpy who has no qualms about hooking up with married directors, and sometimes even having their babies. (Surprise, I poked holes in the condom!)

So when Radar Online via Star reported that Miley Cyrus’ fiancée, Liam Hemsworth, cheated on her with January Jones at an Oscar’s pre-party I have a hard time buying it. Why would a bronzed, Australian God like Liam Hemsworth make out with a busted, 35-year-old with a baby when he has 20-year-old Miley Cyrus?

Let’s examine the facts here. January Jones looks like this. Also, her vadge is a frozen tundra of contempt. Miley, on the other hand, looks like the slut at a Motörhead concert who will let you bang her bareback in a bathroom stall if you buy her a Coors Light, and I mean that in a good way.

If Liam Hemsworth really did hook up with January, it’s because he’s really gay and he thought he was hooking up with Joe Simpson.

It’s Come to This, Nick Lachey to Release Children’s Album

This publicity photo provided by Fisher-Price shows multi-platinum recording artist and new father, Nick Lachey's album cover for "A Father's Lullaby." Lachey's first-ever lullaby album inspired by his son, Camden, releases in March in partnership with Fisher-Price, Inc., a subsidiary of Mattel, and Mood Entertainment. Lachey and wife, Vanessa, welcomed their son in Sept. 2012. (AP Photo/Fisher-Price, Austin Hargrave)

Because Jessica Simpson’s fashion line is worth a billion dollars and Vanessa Minnillo spent all her Wipeout money on spray tan, Nick Lachey has taken to the public domain and recorded some lullabies so that his new son, Camry, which they named hoping to get an endorsement deal from Toyota, might be able to enjoy the smooth ride and subdued luxury of an actual Toyota Camry one day.

The album “A Father’s Lullaby,” features 12 songs including “You are My Sunshine,” and Brahm’s Lullaby, which, I would like to point out, doesn’t have any fucking words. So he just threw that shit in there to fill up space.

If you would like to hear Nick singing while choking back sobs because the figurative and literative cash cow, Jessica Simpson, left him with nothing and now he’s hawking children’s songs, you can purchase the album on i-tunes beginning March 13.

Carrie Fisher Prefers Being Crazy Over Drunk

 

Carrie Fisher has checked herself into a medical facility to seek treatment for bi-polar disorder following a bizarre performance on board a cruise ship in the Caribbean last week.To be fair, after playing Princess Leia in the most awesome movies in the history of awesomeness, your life can only go downhill, unless you’re Harrison Ford.

So behold, Carrie’s performance on board the Holland America Eurodam, barefoot and picking up dog crap, while singing on a stage that has what appears to be Dom Deluise sitting on a couch that once belonged to the Chi Sigma Pi house at San Diego State.

Carrie’s rep insist the actress wasn’t drunk, and that the cause of the disturbing behavior is mental illness, which is stupid because last I checked it’s much more socially acceptable to make a fool of yourself because you’re drunk then it is to be totally bat-shit crazy.

Britney Spears would give anything to go back and say the reason she shaved her head and went Penguin-Style on that car was because she had a few too many shots of Pappa Spears’ homemade moonshine. Everybody forgives and forgets when you do something stupid or disgusting while you’re drunk because they’ve probably done something worse. Like taking a dump next to the speaker at the McDonald’s drive-thru because they wouldn’t let you in to use the bathroom and then using leaves to wipe because you didn’t have any toilet paper. Those underwear had to be thrown away.