Nicole Kidman is Au Naturale and a Liar

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If you’re able to move the muscles in your face prepare to raise your eyebrows and roll your eyes because despite looking like she does in the above picture, Nicole Kidman would like you to believe that she doesn’t get Botox. Via Radar:

 

In a new interview with Italian newspaper La Repubblica, the 45-year-old, who doesn’t have a wrinkle on her face, cops to getting Botox in the past but swears that her days of injections are long over and her current look was achieved by wearing sunscreen and taking care of herself – and RadarOnline.com has the details.

“No surgery for me,” Nicole insists in the interview.

“I did try Botox, unfortunately, but I got out of it and now I can finally move my face again.

Kidman, who described the decision to get Botox as an “unfortunate move,” and swears that she is “completely natural,” raised eyebrows in recent months during promotions for her movie The Paperboy, showing off an incredibly frozen forehead.

“I wear sunscreen, I don’t smoke and I take care of myself, and I am proud to say that,” she continued. “Anybody can do anything to themselves – I don’t judge – but personally I believe in being physically fit. That’s how I was raised.”

Nicole was married to Tom Cruise for eleven years so she knows a thing or two about living a life of delusion. That’s the only way a woman that looks like a wax figure of Joan Rivers could possibly convince herself that she looks natural. 

 

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Ron Jeremy’s Penis is in the ICU

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Ron Jeremy (AKA Buster Cumgood from the film school classic Triple Penetration Debutante Sluts) is being treated at an LA hospital after suffering an aneurysm near his heart yesterday.

According to TMZ, Ron’s penis drove Ron to Cedars-Sinai Tuesday afternoon after Ron complained of chest pain.

“His famous schlong actually saved his life,” said Dr. Spooge Cruztamante,”That dick knew exactly what to do, getting him to the hospital just in time.”

According to nurse Candy Cockmore, the hospital staff is very excited to have the legendary penis in their ward.

“We’ve all seen Cheerleader Nurses,” said Cockmore,”We’re big fans. We hope we can convince Ron to revive the role of Dr. Izzy Quisling.”

No more on Ron’s Penis’ current condition.

Image:[CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Lindsay Overcame Illness to Attend Court, Gets a Trial Date

Lifetime's 'Liz & Dick' Los Angeles PremiereIt’s been another wild 24 hours in the wacky, fun-filled mess of a life that is Lindsay Lohan, leading up to her court appearance this morning. A court appearance Lindsay tried to get out of by having her new lawyer, Mark Heller send a note to the court saying she was too ill to fly from New York to LA, just like in high school.

Then a bunch of pictures were posted on TMZ of Lindsay walking around SoHo smoking cigarettes which kind of blew a hole in that story.

Then Lindsay and Dina did a few lines, and started to get paranoid wondering if maybe she should show up to court, so she called some ‘friends’ (i.e. her dealer, drug dealers have a pretty good understanding of the criminal justice system) who advised her to return to LA for the hearing. So Lindsay and Dina got a last minute flight landing at LAX at 12:30 am and then got turned away from Shutters hotel because she trashed a room back in 2007. So I’m guessing they slept in a dumpster in an alley in Venice Beach.

Fast forward to this morning, Lindsay makes it to court on time where the judge, Stephanie Saunter, told Lindsay she was glad she was feeling better and set a trial date for her lying-to-cops case for March 18, with a pretrial hearing on March 1. Saunter then announced she would be retiring March 1. Wait, WHAT?!!

Does Lindsay Lohan have ties with the mob or something? Isn’t it a little convenient the  hard-ass judge who was supposed to set Lindsay straight is retiring the day the trial is supposed to begin? Who the fuck is Dina Lohan blowing?

The only way I’m going to be okay with this is if they replace Saunter with Judge Dredd and he executes Lindsay and Dina on the spot.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Brandi Glanville Got a New Vagina

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If my husband left me for an emaciated,red-necked troll it would probably bring up some feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Which is probably why after Eddie Cibrian left Brandi Glanville for LeAnn Rimes, Brandi thought her vadge needed a makeover. And also because her old one must have had teeth or emitted some kind of man-repelling odor or something. From Page Six:

Glanville describes in her upcoming book “Drinking & Tweeting and other Brandi Blunders” that she took revenge on Cibrian over his affair with Rimes by undergoing vaginal rejuvenation surgery. “This pretty intense surgery had an even more intense price tag: $12,000,” Brandi reveals. “A brand-new vagina would be an Eddie-free vagina . . . I decided that since Eddie had ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. I gave [the doctor’s office] Eddie’s credit- card number.”

You don’t need to justify yourself to me, Brandi, I’ve had a baby. I have to pick my vadge up off the floor to put on pants

For I am Thy Lord and Savior, Chris Brown

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After his parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean, Chris Brown was feeling a little persecuted by the media. Did I say ‘a little’? I meant ‘Jesus-style persecuted’ because yesterday he posted this picture to Instagram with the caption “The way I feel today.Focus on what matters!”

If you’re not familiar with the New Testament, Brown is referring to Mark 16:22 “When the Lord and his niggas roll up on a parking space, show respect and yield that parking space to the Lord for he is our deliverance, yea if the Lord is shown disrespect, he will smite you with his fist.”

You don’t remember that verse? It’s right after the one where Jesus punches Mary Magdalene in the face for trying to look at his cell phone.

Some Old Slut Had Sex With the Pink Panther

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If the above picture of Robert DeNiro didn’t cause a veritable tsunami in your panties, there’s gotta be something wrong with you, but don’t worry I can fix that. From Page Six:

Carole Mallory, the actress and model who wrote “Loving Mailer” about her eight-year affair with Norman Mailer, has penned another book about her exploits with famous men…

Mallory, who starred in “The Stepford Wives,” met De Niro in 1975 at the Chateau Marmont, and the pair had a 14-day affair. “During lovemaking, he never stopped looking in my eyes,” she writes. She continues, “He had a butterfly tattoo that I later realized matched his flighty spirit. So did the fact he left his socks on.” She added, “The following year he married Diahnne Abbott. . . . I would have appreciated a phone call.”

Still nothing? Don’t worry, Michael Corleone’s stark white legs contrasted against his black socks and nude body will seem like The Divine Creation as you try to get this next image out of your head.

Of Mallory’s romance with “Pink Panther” star Sellers… “I kissed him all over his hairy body. He had hair everywhere. He even had it on his back. I liked it. He reminded me of a giant panda bear.”

FYI, I love Peter Sellers and would still jump on that regardless of that account. And finally, if you ever have a chance to bang Richard Gere, do it.

Mallory, 71, who now teaches writing at Rosemont College and Temple University in Philly, breathlessly describes a one-night stand with Gere in the late ’70s: “His gymnastic skills were apparent. He made love his way . . . He didn’t withhold. He was Valentino in the flesh. A sex symbol not to be forgotten. Not to be lumped in with all the others, but to be remembered for his uniqueness. His thoughtfulness. His caring.”

I can’t think of a better way to start my morning than to hear an old woman’s detailed sexual exploits. It really gets my bowels moving. You’re Welcome.

Bethenny Frankel is Officially a Single Mother, Plans to Bank on That

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Bethenny Frankel split from her husband about one month ago so she’s been single roughly 30 days, and she has a daughter who she’s managed to keep alive for the past two years. Apparently that’s enough to make Bethenny qualified to write a book about being a single parent. Kind of like how I’m qualified to perform minor surgeries out my home because I took an anatomy class and have a mid-priced set of kitchen knives. From Radar:

Hoping to make lemonade out of lemons, SkinnyGirl mogul Bethenny Frankel is writing a new book about her life as a single mom, as she begins divorce proceedings against Jason Hoppy…

“Bethenny has been writing and documenting her feelings in the beginning stages of the divorce,” a source close to the situation tells us. “The book will explore the struggles and compromises all single mom face. It will deal with the delicate balancing act that is being a single mom, and the guilt she feels because her daughter Bryn will now come from a broken home, something she never wanted for her little girl.”

I fail to see how an anorexic,New York socialite could possibly identify with the day-today struggles of your average working,single mother,especially since the only valid advice Bethenny has ever given is how to make a margarita that tastes like cat piss (Low in calories, high in ammonia!) I guess that’s the marketing department’s problem.

Image:PD