The Only Ten Things You Need To Know About The 2020 Academy Awards

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I’ve got Oscar fever! The fashion! The celebrities! The drama! The world’s most talented people putting their heartfelt works on the line for others to judge. Will they experience the euphoric highs known only to those whose souls’ inner workings are lauded and beloved by millions? Or will they experience the creative torture of being second-best, damned to walk in the shadow of someone more talented? I’ve got to be honest with you, friends. I absolutely love this time of year.

Or at least I’m supposed to say that. It was my duty to write about the Academy Awards this year and so I did my damnedest to get hyped about them. I tried; really, I did. I meant to sit down and watch them on YouTube that weekend because I think they’re streamed to YouTube. Most important things are streamed to YouTube these days. But yeah, I got a little busy that weekend.

Okay, you know what? Fuck it. I don’t even know if the Academy Awards were on a weekend or a weekday or a multitude of days. I don’t know because the Oscars are to awards shows what Facebook is to social media: bloated, universally hated, and mostly just a tool for rich people to sink their seemingly phallic electrocuting hooks into my skin and electrocute me until I obey. Well, don’t threaten me with a good time, Academy Awards, because I have easier ways to get my rocks off that don’t involve me wasting an evening watching people pretend to care about getting handed a statue.

When I realized that I missed the Academy Awards, I gotta be honest: I panicked. I knew that in order to make it up, I had to write the greatest Oscars article of all time, the quintessential article that would be linked to for years to come whenever anyone talked about the 2020 show (which they never will again, let’s be honest). And so I did some research. It wasn’t hard, because scrolling through any social media feed is just a clusterfuck of people being mad about the entire show. Armed with my newfound knowledge, I stood ready to construct a lasting tribute to the unrivaled glitz and glamour that is the Oscars. So I present to you, the one, the only… 10 things you NEED to know about the Academy Awards.

1. A Tribute Was Held In Honor Of The Founder Of The Oscars

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In an effort to understand the history of the event, I googled “the first ocsars” [sic]. Once I corrected my spelling, this was the first picture to pop up. Pictured here is Oscar, the man who founded the event, giving the “Best Wife of the Year” Oscar to his wife. Tragically, Oscar would die later that year of Lou Gehrig’s disease, but not before famously giving his speech about considering himself the luckiest man on the face on the planet all while looking into the eyes of this loving beauty. His life truly was inspiring and because this year marked the 100th anniversary of his death, a touching moment of silence was held. Although it was not shown on television, rapper Eminem said “This one’s for you, Oscar” before performing his song Lose Yourself.

2. Eminem Was There But Someone Told Me He Didn’t Win An Oscar

Speaking of Eminem, he was snubbed again this year. Despite his performance receiving quite the intense ovation, no one gave him an Oscar for it. Some sources indicate he was not even allowed back onto the stage for the rest of the show despite positive responses by the crowd, proving again that the Academy Awards are biased.

Eminem, if you read this, you’re amazing and we’re all waiting for you to make a sequel to 8 Mile.

3. Thanks To The Magic Of Photography, You Can Still Masturbate To The Images Of Scantily-Clad Celebrities Even Though The Show Is Over

If you missed the chance to masturbate to your favorite stars wearing very little, do not panic. Thanks to the advent of digital recording photographic networking communications technology, many images of the sexy celebs have been saved to the Internet for you and are just a Google search away. You can also just look at porn. There’s millions of pornographic models and they do so much more than walk down a red carpet, sit and watch a show, and give acceptance speeches. Statistically speaking, you’re nigh-guaranteed to find something you find sexier and easier to masturbate to than the stars at the awards. Porn is like the Academy Awards for smart people.

4. Very Little Is Known Still About The Academy

Who are the members of the shadowy Academy? Why was it founded? What is their current goal? So little is known about the Academy, but one thing coming to light lately is the totally weird way they make the awards! In a 2018 interview, Guillermo del Toro admitted that each award has a different ancient rune written on the bottom of it and that they all have a mysterious ticking noise coming from inside, all making the noise in perfect synchronization. Actor Vin Diesel, bearing a Master’s in theoretical math, was able to prove that the ticking is actually slowing down at a logarithmic rate. At Midnight on New Year’s Eve 2099, they will slow down to exactly one tick a year.

5. No One Died Again

This is why I don’t watch this shitshow of an awards ceremony. Wake me up when something interesting happens.

6. A Guy In A Superhero Movie Won Best Actor


Yeah, I know. I’m fucking sick of superhero movies, too, but look, they’re big money right now, okay? Especially in China. Sometimes you just have to bite your upper lip, chill out for five minutes, and just let them pick a superhero movie to give an award to, okay? Congrats to whoever the fuck this guy is. You win!

7. Everyone Is Really Mad That Some Guy Talked In Korean

The movie Parasite won best picture. It’s a gripping, eye-opening movie that shines light on the I don’t know I didn’t watch that, either. I don’t know anything about this movie other than that it beat out two other movies I didn’t watch which people wanted to win. The real slap in the face, however, came when it turned out that the guy who made it was Korean! Laughing at our country and mocking our democracy, he touted a traditional Korean insult: “みなさん、ありがとうございます。愛しています。” Loosely translated, this means “I curse the country which I have so easily spat upon the proud history of.” Troubling.

8. While They Were Being Aired, I Was Looking Up Clips From Old Episodes Of Cops On YouTube

I think one of the most interesting facts about the Academy Awards is that the reason I didn’t see them is that (upon looking up when they aired) I was looking up clips from old episodes of Cops on YouTube. A quick look at my search history on YouTube is most telling:

9. I Think Brad Pitt Won Something

I don’t know for sure if Brad Pitt won something but I think he did because I keep seeing this picture of him going around looking like he’s about to get uppity while he holds one. In fact, I used it as the header for this article.

10. Al Pacino Is Still Alive

Al Pacino - The Irishman

I had no fucking idea Al Pacino was still alive, but it seems to be the case because he was in this movie The Irishman that was nominated. That’s nuts to me. I thought he was dead. For those those who don’t know, Pacino is the biological son of the late, great Marlon Brando, a man most known for his role in the 1996 masterpiece The Island of Dr. Moreau. Brando died or something and his son Al decided to keep the acting tradition alive. Here’s to him knocking one more out of the park before he kicks the bucket.

That’s it for my Academy Awards recap. I hope you all learned something.

Yeah, I Wear A Fanny Pack, So Fucking What?

A woman indicating to the males of her species that she’s not interested in intercourse.

When I told my husband I was contemplating buying and wearing a fanny pack, i.e. ‘belt bag’ he threatened to stop having sex with me. Which now that I think about it wasn’t exactly a threat, so it didn’t really deter me.  Wearing a fanny pack pretty much says you’re not interested in having sex, plus I have three kids and am in a committed relationship so he can hold out all he wants but  I know he’ll eventually fold. What he doesn’t realize is that fanny packs are cool again. In an ironic kind of way. Even though Donald Trump built a wall around irony and sent in ICE to keep it from coming back into our country, irony still exists in the fashion world. Fanny packs aren’t sexy, but then again they kind of are, they accentuate your waist, and they also indicate that you don’t give a fuck, which is kind of an attractive trait in a louche, socks-with- Birkenstocks kind of way.  Also, Fanny packs are convenient. Have you ever been in line at the grocery store, digging through your purse looking for your wallet only to come up with a single sock, a moldy orange, and some hairy cheetohs? One time in Costco I went to take my wallet and the whole thing was dripping in purple ooze because an entire fucking bottle of children’s liquid Tylenol had spilled inside. The fanny pack requires minimalism even if every part of you is screaming to shove a regular size bag of Funyuns in there because you don’t want to waste a ziplock bag.

Once you’ve decided your ready to commit to the item you mercilessly mocked your parents over, you’ll find that these days there’s a lot of options. You can all-in and spend $3,000 on the Hermes Cityslide which tries to pretend it’s not a fanny pack since you can also sling it over your shoulder, but they’re not fooling anyone and neither are you if you think dropping 3K on a fanny pack somehow makes it any better. Mid-range, there’s lot’s of attractive options, just go to Nordstrom’s and search fanny packs and you’ll find options from a $400 MCM ‘Belt Bag’ to a $100 Kate Spade fanny pack that looks more like a purse, even the obnoxiously omnipresent yoga brand Lululemon has one. But, who are you kidding? You’re wearing a fanny pack, you probably didn’t even brush your hair or change your underwear. Plus, you don’t want to dive head first into the world of fanny packs, you want to dip your toes in, see if you have have the ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude it takes to wear your purse around your waist. I settled on a basic, black $20 Jansport model that was on sale for $12.

Before it arrived, I made sure I told as many people as I could that I had ordered a fanny pack. I didn’t want to upset anyone, or have someone call me in as a 5150. I awaited it with a mix of anxiety and anticipation. When it arrived I didn’t wear it for a few days, I’ll admit: I was a little embarrassed. When I went to empty out my purse and transfer it’s contents into my purse, I poured about a cup of sand out of the bottom that had been in there for about two months. There was straw wrappers, old receipts, a opened nail polish that had leaked everywhere and other pieces of miscellaneous garbage. Getting rid of my purse forced me to use the fanny pack, and once I did, I started liking it. I now proudly sport my fanny pack at Costco and the grocery store and, ummm….uhhhhh… I guess I don’t really go too many other places that that. I haven’t had a date night since the fanny pack came, but I bet you when we do, I’m totally going to get some.

Image: By Plot Spoiler [CC BY-SA 3.0 ( or GFDL (, from Wikimedia Commons

Brad Pitt is Single & High, Do I Have a Chance?

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Tell Kit Harrington to pack up his hair care products and get the fuck out of my fantasies because Brad Pitt is on the rebound and possibly pretty drunk, the type of man I’m really good at attracting.

TMZ reported this morning that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences (note: I will reconcile the shit out of you Brad.) Sources close to the couple say the problem stems from Brad ‘s consumption of marijuana and alcohol as well as his anger  issues when he’ dealing with the children. See Brad? That’s three things we have in common right there!

Not only do I need to extend a warm ‘Thanks’ to Angelina for turning Brad out cold and stoned to be ripped apart in the streets limb by limb by every desperate woman over 30 who watched Thelma & Louise during their formative years, but also for stomping out every other headline of the day. Another unarmed black man shot by police? Donald Trump suggests ceding Alaska from the Union in order to create the World’s largest refugee internment camp to be administered by Sarah Palin? Who fucking cares? I haven’t written a post since April, this is obviously the most important thing to happen to me or anyone else in the past six months.


Image:Georges Biard [CC BY-SA 3.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons

Chrissy Tiegen’s Breasts Play ‘Hide the Baby’

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Chrissy Tiegen’s posted the first picture of her and John Legend’s baby girl, Luna Simone on Instagram today. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rebecca, that’s just a frivolous way to display a gigantic pair of breasts on your website.” And you would be partially right. I’m going to walk you through this, but try not to stare too hard, it’s kind of like one of those 3-D pictures from the 90’s.

First, break your eyes from where they’ve been fixed since you opened this page. It’s okay, you can go back! Close your mouth.  Slowly, move your gaze down. Too far. That’s a dog. Move back up a little. See the patch of hair? Now look left. That my friends is a baby camoflauged in its natural habitat.

Image: Instagram

Whoopi Goldberg Wants to Party With Your Period

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If you had asked me two days ago what Whoopi Goldberg and my period had in common I would have replied “Sister Act” without a second’s hesitation, but that would have been wrong. The right answer is weed. Remember that kids! It always is.

Via Vanity Fair:

Goldberg announced Wednesday that she’s launching a medical-marijuana company with Maya Elisabeth, one of the leading “canna-businesswomen” in the field, with a line of products designed to provide relief from menstrual cramps.

The company, Maya & Whoopi, will offer cannabis edibles, tinctures, topical rubs, and a THC-infused bath soak that it describes as “profoundly relaxing.”

So you mean to tell me that now being on my period is not only an excuse to not have sex with my husband, it’s also a good reason to get high? In the bath tub? This is the best thing to happen to menstruation since Funyuns.

Image:By David Shankbone (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons

An Acceptance Speech From Susan Sarandon’s Cleavage

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First of all, we would like to say what an honor it is for us to be up here. Secondly, we would like to say, it’s about fucking time! If only we had received this kind of attention forty years ago, we might not have been so compelled to keep ’em swinging well in to middle age and beyond, but then again, we wouldn’t be here tonight. Sure, you could have chose to focus your attention and your ‘Internet’ on breasts a half or even a third of our age, but you chose us, and seeing all the magnificent celebrity tits available for viewing on ‘Insta-message’ and knowing you still picked us makes it that much more meaningful. We know by tomorrow you’ll have moved on to the next pair, the next vadge flash, the next twit or twat or whatever the fuck you call them, but tonight is our night and we would like to end by saying, don’t sell yourselves short! Every 20-year-old’s tits are a work of art, but to have amazing breasts at almost 70 is a labor of love, and that makes your appreciation so much more meaningful. Thank you and Goodnight!


By GabboT (Meddler 10) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons

Leave Barbie Alone Dammit!

Mattel Can't Update Barbie Without Running Into Updated Problems

Mattel unrolled its new Barbie dolls today, which now come in three body types-curvy, petite and tall- as well as a wide variety of skin, hair and eye colors. Let me start by saying I’m all for promoting a more diverse standard of beauty and as the mother of two young girls I’m glad that…wait, no, fuck that.

I love Barbie because she’s the tall, skinny, blonde Scandinavian with an impossibly small nose that I could never be.  She was my hot, slutty friend who allowed me to vicariously live the life my parents would never approve of, and my squat Italian figure would never give me: Giving blow jobs to Ken in the back seat of the Jeep, and pondering with my sister, Skipper, if we should tell him about the baby or just get the abortion.

Since Barbie’s inception, she’s faced criticism for promoting an unrealistic standard of beauty and causing issues of body-image in young girls, I however like to think I have a little more depth than to blame my numerous personal problems on a doll. My soul-crushing insecurity, my inability to form meaningful relationships,  my numerous home plastic surgery attempts and the fact that the only thing I’ve eaten today is a Kale salad from Costco obviously stem from daddy issues.

In summation, making Barbie shorter and fatter isn’t going to make anyone feel better about themselves, it’s just going to remind us all what we really look like. No thank you.

Image: Mattel