Someone Actually Wants to Look Like Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Gets Her Day (Again) In Court

I added the top photo to keep things in perspective. The daughter that Michael Lohan fathered with another woman 18 years ago, Ashley Horn, has undergone a series of procedures in order to make her look more like her half-sister, Lindsay Lohan. Which, I can’t believe I’m saying this, means that whatever minute amount of intelligence and common sense that remains in Lindsay’s delusional, smoke-filled brain, came from Dina Lohan. So yes, there’s someone out there even dumber than Lindsay Lohan, and yes, she’s directly related to Lindsay Lohan. From In Touch:

Ashley Horn may not have a relationship with her estranged half sister Lindsay Lohan, but she sure looks like her!

After $25,000 worth of procedures to look more like half sis Lindsay, Ashley debuted her post-surgery results exclusively in the new issue ofIn Touch.

“I’ve gotten rhinoplasty, a bit of refinement underneath my cheeks and jawline, some fat injected into my chin and some fat injected into my upper cheeks,” she reveals of her five procedures by Houston-based surgeon Dr. Franklin Rose.

Ashley, 18, whose mom, Kristi, had a brief affair with Lindsay’s dad, Michael, in the early ’90s when he was married to now ex-wife Dina, adds, “My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old.”

And now? “I’m hotter than Lindsay!,” she explains. “I have no problem saying that.”

I don’t want to be too mean because she’s only 18 and it’s sad her only sense of value in herself is that with a lot of work and squinting your eyes she kind of resembles her washed-up, yet still famous half-sister who she doesn’t even have a relationship with, but really? It cost $25,000 to make her look like that? I’m pretty sure she could have transformed herself into some kind of  indestructible cyborg that shoots lasers out of her eyes for that kind of money. Lindsay actually looks good when you put her picture up next to hers. If the look she was going for was “chubby-faced teen with too much makeup on in a Glamour Shots photo,” you can get that at the  MAC counter at Macy’s for about $50. She could’ve use the other $24,950 to pay for a college education. My guess is she’s going to need it.

Image:Fame/Flynet, InTouch

“Let Me Out, I Can’t Breathe!” – Miley’s Vadge

I’m going to leave the comments to you guys, because I’m pretty sure anyone who googled “Miley Cyrus Camel Toe,” and ended up on this site wasn’t exactly looking for my commentary about a young woman cramming her over-sized ham sandwich into a pair of hot pants and going on a raised platform so that photos could be taken of her over-exposed vagina from below. The picture speaks for itself.Jennifer Lopez, your reign as the world’s biggest cameltoe has been usurped. Miley Cyrus, you have arrived.

Image: Fame/Flynet

Cory Monteith Ruined the Emmys

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The Emmys were Sunday night, and since nobody gives a fuck about them and no one bothered to flash their vadge or anything to make this shit interesting, the big story was that the producers of the Emmys overlooked honoring three-time Emmy winner Jack Klugman in place of no-time Emmy winner and deceased heroin addict Cory Monteith (take note, kids!) Now a few people, as in one person, Jack Klugman’s son, is upset that his father was overlooked in favor of some guy who’s now just as famous for dying of an overdose as he is for the three seasons he spent on a show where thirty-year-olds  sing cover songs while pretending to be high school students, pathetic I know, and by that I mean the whole concept of Glee.

I’ll be honest, before Cory died I had no idea who he was, and I still have no idea who Jack Klugman is, despite the fact that I’m sitting in front of a computer at this very moment and it would take me less than 2 seconds to Google him, I just don’t feel like it. However, I do know this: Jack Klugman is old and hasn’t been on television in a million years and Cory was still pretty hot when he died even if he was a junkie. What I am saying is, it doesn’t matter what you accomplish in your life, what matters is looking your best and dying at a tragically young age.

Image:Wikipedia Commons

Jaden Smith is an Untapped Reservoir of Wisdom

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If there’s two points I continuously bring up on this site it’s that Twitter is the playground for the barely literate, and that celebrity children are contributing to the demise of the human race. Case in point: Jaden Smith’s Twitter account, where he tweeted the above gems that could only come from the mind of an entitled, 15-year-old twat, who thinks that four and a half million people give a fuck about what he thinks. And he’s right, that many people actually follow him on Twitter, which really drives homes my first point. Dope is dope, but school is for fools!

Part of me wants to say that he’s being ironic because a person who’s never attended a real day of school, but will nonetheless have a wildly successful life due to the virtue of having wealthy, well-connected parents that hook him up with record deals and a seven-figure acting gigs, couldn’t possibly be telling his proletariat followers that bettering yourself through education is stupid. But then I remembered that not only is Jaden Smith friends with Justin Bieber, he’s also dating one of the Jenner girls, the ugly one, and doesn’t see anything wrong with that. This kid wouldn’t get irony if it appeared as a scab on his genitals.


“Quit Staring at My Vadge.” – Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus went on the Elvis Duran Radio Show to explain the deep meaning behind the video for Wrecking Ball, a song that literally took five people to write, none of whom were Miley Cyrus. Nonetheless, Miley wants us to know that shooting this video had a profound emotional toll, and even though if you look close enough you can actually see the contours of her taint, Miley would prefer it if you looked into her eyes instead. She’s hurting you guys!

I think the video is much more [than nudity]. If people get past the point I make, and you actually look at me, you can tell I look more broken than even the song sounds. The song is a pop ballad that everyone can relate to; everyone has felt that feeling at some point. If people can take their minds off the obvious and go into their imagination and see what the video really means, it is so vulnerable. If you look at my eyes, I look more sad than actually my voice sounds on the record. It was a lot harder to do the video than it was to record the song. It was much more of an emotional experience.”

I’m sorry Miley, you were saying something? Typically, when your vagina’s showing, people don’t really pay attention to what’s coming out of your mouth, but I’m sure there will be plenty of thought put into what can go in it.

This Explain Everything

Jeremy Bieber (Above, left)  is primarily responsible for all the ills and instances of douchebaggery in the world.

While Justin Bieber’s mom goes around saying abortion is horrible because if she had an abortion twenty years ago there would be no Justin Bieber and she would still be working a low-paying job, Justin Bieber reminds the world why not only should abortion be legal, but allowed to be retroactively implemented for the first twenty years of the child’s life. In the midst of all this, we overlook the fact that Justin Bieber’s underdeveloped, hairless Y-chromosome had to have come from somewhere. I had just assumed that since most boys learn about manhood and masculinity from their fathers, that Justin Bieber was raised entirely by women and didn’t know what a penis was until an educational trip to the shower with Usher.

But I was reminded that Justin Bieber really did grow up with a male role model by this article from E! that states Justin flew home to Canada to be with his father while he underwent knee surgery, and after seeing one picture of the man attached to the testicle that provided the sperm for the most insufferably obnoxious twat on the planet, I now know why Justin Bieber is what he is. In fact, you could sum up Justin Bieber by saying he’s what you would get if Vanilla Ice, Michelle Bachman and a bottle of maple syrup had a threesome.

This is a Real and Honest Depiction of Britney Spears

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Britney Spears posted this picture  to her Twitter account because everyone knows social media sites are places you go to show true-to-life, candid images of yourself that, while not necessarily portraying you in the most flattering light, give those closest to you a glimpse at your real self; not some public relations platform where a mentally handicapped, thirty-two-year-old mother who subsists on Starbucks and Doritos can be paraded around in fortuitous lighting for the financial benefit of a record label.

That’s what the internet’s for, complete transparency, amIright?

What this photo couldn’t capture was Britney passing out immediately afterward because it’s practically fucking impossible to squeeze your butt cheeks together, suck in your gut and smile at the same time.

Image: Twitter: @britneyspears