Tell Kit Harrington to pack up his hair care products and get the fuck out of my fantasies because Brad Pitt is on the rebound and possibly pretty drunk, the type of man I’m really good at attracting.
TMZ reported this morning that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences (note: I will reconcile the shit out of you Brad.) Sources close to the couple say the problem stems from Brad ‘s consumption of marijuana and alcohol as well as his anger issues when he’ dealing with the children. That’s three things we have in common right there!
Not only do I need to extend a warm ‘Thanks’ to Angelina for turning Brad out cold and stoned to be ripped apart in the streets limb by limb by every desperate woman over 30 who watched Thelma & Louise during their formative years, but also for stomping out every other headline of the day. Another unarmed black man shot by police? Donald Trump suggests ceding Alaska from the Union in order to create the World’s largest refugee internment camp to be administered by Sarah Palin? Who fucking cares? I haven’t written a post since April, this is obviously the most important thing to happen to me or anyone else in the past six months.
A photo posted by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on
Chrissy Tiegen’s posted the first picture of her and John Legend’s baby girl, Luna Simone on Instagram today. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rebecca, that’s just a frivolous way to display a gigantic pair of breasts on your website.” And you would be partially right. I’m going to walk you through this, but try not to stare too hard, it’s kind of like one of those 3-D pictures from the 90’s.
First, break your eyes from where they’ve been fixed since you opened this page. It’s okay, you can go back! Close your mouth. Slowly, move your gaze down. Too far. That’s a dog. Move back up a little. See the patch of hair? Now look left. That my friends is a baby camoflauged in its natural habitat.
If you had asked me two days ago what Whoopi Goldberg and my period had in common I would have replied “Sister Act” without a second’s hesitation, but that would have been wrong. The right answer is weed. It always is. Via Vanity Fair:
Goldberg announced Wednesday that she’s launching a medical-marijuana company with Maya Elisabeth, one of the leading “canna-businesswomen” in the field, with a line of products designed to provide relief from menstrual cramps.
The company, Maya & Whoopi, will offer cannabis edibles, tinctures, topical rubs, and a THC-infused bath soak that it describes as “profoundly relaxing.”
So you mean to tell me that now being on my period is not only an excuse to not have sex with my husband, it’s also a good reason to get high? In the bath tub? This is the best thing to happen to menstruation since Funyuns.
First of all, we would like to say what an honor it is for us to be up here. Secondly, we would like to say, it’s about fucking time! If only we had received this kind of attention forty years ago, we might not have been so compelled to keep ’em swinging well in to middle age and beyond, but then again, we wouldn’t be here tonight. Sure, you could have chose to focus your attention and your ‘Internet’ on breasts a half or even a third of our age, but you chose us, and seeing all the magnificent celebrity tits available for viewing on ‘Insta-message’ and knowing you still picked us makes it that much more meaningful. We know by tomorrow you’ll have moved on to the next pair, the next vadge flash, the next twit or twat or whatever the fuck you call them, but tonight is our night and we would like to end by saying, don’t sell yourselves short! Every 20-year-old’s tits are a work of art, but to have amazing breasts at almost 70 is a labor of love, and that makes your appreciation so much more meaningful. Thank you and Goodnight!
Mattel unrolled its new Barbie dolls today, which now come in three body types-curvy, petite and tall- as well as a wide variety of skin, hair and eye colors. Let me start by saying I’m all for promoting a more diverse standard of beauty and as the mother of two young girls I’m glad that…wait, no, fuck that.
I love Barbie because she’s the tall, skinny, blonde Scandinavian with an impossibly small nose that I could never be. She was my hot, slutty friend who allowed me to vicariously live the life my parents would never approve of and my squat Italian figure would never give me: Giving blow jobs to Ken in the back seat of the Jeep, and pondering with my sister, Skipper, if we should tell him about the baby or just get the abortion.
Since Barbie’s inception, she’s been criticized by certain ‘groups’ for promoting an unrealistic standard of beauty and causing issues of body-image in young girls, I however like to think I have a little more depth than to blame my numerous personal problems on a doll. My soul-crushing insecurity, my inability to form meaningful relationships, my numerous home plastic surgery attempts and the fact that the only thing I’ve eaten today is a Kale salad from Costco obviously stem from a lack of a father figure.
In summation, making Barbie shorter and fatter isn’t going to make anyone feel better about themselves, it’s just going to remind us all what we really look like. No thank you.
In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.
“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.
“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use, I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”
Justin Beiber has made it official he is indeed putting his suspiciously large dick inside Hailey Baldwin when he posted the above pic of the pair on Sunday night. And since the entire Baldwin family and Justin are all known for their even temperaments and good judgement I’m sure this is a relationship bound for longevity and hopefully, murder-suicide.
“Now let’s flush all this New’s Year’s resolution shit about ‘making better choices’ down the toilet, and not use a condom.”