Kevin Federline Remarries, Contemplates Job Market

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Apparently there’s still one girl around who doesn’t mind eating Britney Spears’ greasy, gas-inducing leftovers, and no it’s not the remnants of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, it’s Kevin Federline, whomarried his longtime girlfriend Victoria Price to marry him over the weekend. Aside from the two children he has with Britney, and the two children he has from a relationship prior to Britney, Kevin also has a two-year-old with his new bride, so it would appear his only notable talent is impregnating the women dumb enough to have intercourse with him to create an army of overweight, illiterate children.

I would say he’s the best argument for the Eugenics movement I’ve seen to date, but hey, at least those kids can probably dance.

Image:By Cyprien22 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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Kris Jenner Prepares for Kanye to Dump Kim

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“Take that mom, I found someone else to boss me around.”
-Kim Kardashian

Much like you throw away the nasty, soggy peel of a banana after taking out the delicious flesh inside, so Kanye West will eventually dump Kim Kardashian after she birthed his first born child. So naturally, Kris Jenner is already  doing damage control by saying Kanye’s a domineering control freak who dictates Kim’s every move. Jealous anyone? From In Touch via Radar:

“She has to do what he says — or else,” a source told In Touch, in an article that claims Kim has been “trapped by a madman” who’s doing his all to control her every move. ”She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”

Since the birth of his daughter North West June 15, a source told the magazine the Paranoid singer has “brought in more security around the house and won’t let Kim leave.”

The intrusion sets into everything, from what Kim’s wearing, to what she’s tweeting, insiders say.

“When the time comes for her to step out into public, he wants her to be wearing outfits he picked out for her,” a source said. “He’s telling her sisters, mom — everyone — what they can and cannot post on twitter.”

So really Kris is just upset because her position of power has been usurped by a black man, she’s kind of like a Republican in that regard.

Britney Spears Pulls All the Stops For Church

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Britney Spears has already been photographed at her lowest points so many times that she no longer has any problems appearing in public with no eyebrows dressed as a Friends-era escort, especially to attend something as insignificant as church, a place, which I might add, is not nearly as opulent as Britney’s guest bathroom, which she doesn’t even wear pants in, so consider this a step up.

“Ya’ll mean to tell me the Lord don’t got heated towel holders? He really did suffer for my sins.”

I’m not a Christian but I feel pretty confident speaking for Jesus when I say that he would totally disapprove of suede boots, especially with a dress that even Kelly Bundy have rejected as “too trampy on the bottom, but not trampy enough on top.”

“Boots in Summer? Thou hast forsaken me.”

But Britney gets a pass from me because I’m a mom too and I’m lucky to make it out of the house without my tits hanging out of the bottom of my shirt, in a bad way, so she actually beat me this round.

It also appears that Britney’s boyfriend, normal guy willing to play along in order to reap substantial fringe benefits, attempted to match Britney’s mix-matched top and bottom by pulling off the same look. His top says “best man after downing ten drinks at the reception and making out with the bride’s mother,” while the bottom says, “fuck you God, this bitch is worth $200 million.”

Image:Fame/Flynet

You’re Not Fooling Me, Jennifer Aniston

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The internet went apeshit today  over how great Jennifer Aniston supposedly looks without makeup after her stylist, Chris McMillan posted this picture of her on Instagram with the caption “Best #friends #no makeup #girl-time,” 

Even if she isn’t wearing makeup, I fail to see why anyone is impressed that 44-year-old woman with access to every beauty treatment money can buy somehow managed to pull off 42 with the virtue of a filter and good lighting. I guarantee you that if I were as rich as Jennifer Aniston, I wouldn’t look anything like Jennifer Aniston.

Image:Instagram

Megan Fox is Having Another Baby, Doesn’t Quite Grasp What Her Popularity is Rooted in

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Considering Megan Fox has the on-screen presence of a piece of driftwood her days of being seriously considered for acting roles are limited to the amount of time she has before gravity and the diminishing returns of Botox kick in. Think somewhere between and Rose McGowan and Melanie Griffith.

Megan doesn’t seem to grasp that the only reason Michael Bay keeps her around for such Oscar-worthy roles as April O’Neil in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is because no one will pay to watch garbage like that unless it involves a firm pair of tits bouncing around in a low-cut top, so she’s having another baby to assure that her next big role will be appearing as herself at Dave N’ Buster’s for her ungrateful offspring’s birthday party.

And since the goal of most women in their 20’s in not getting pregnant, Megan thinks she’s doing something really spectacular.

“All I wanted to do my whole, whole life was have a baby and, now, I’ve finally done it. Megan was quoted in the March 2013 issue of Marie Claire UK. “I just want to give Noah as much of myself as I can. And I want to have more kids. That is where my heart is.”

Saying your only goal in life is to reproduce is putting yourself on the same level as a lemming or a cicada. At least turn it in to a real goal like say, having the baby of a wealthy, married man or becoming the woman on Maury with most potential fathers to test for paternity, I think the record to beat is twenty-two. Now those are things to aspire to!

By pinguino k (Flickr) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons