Since I’ll never be able to afford the actual picture, I’ve taken the liberty of using the photo ISIS has been distributing as proof of the birth of the Islamic Antichrist. Close enough.
Behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to proclaim the birth of the holy progeny, the first born son of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is delivered unto us . A savior born of obscene wealth and priviledge that we might forget the ills and troubles of the world, and our own shitty, disastified existence in order to praise him and increase the bidding price for the first photo.
Update: They named the baby Saint, so my assertions weren’t too far off, though if they had named it Christ I would have won $100.
Above: Kanye West looking confused by his surroundings.
As if impregnating a woman who’s had more black men inside her than a California state prison, wasn’t proof enough, Kanye West admitted in an interview with W Magazine that he’s ‘retarded.’ Those are his words, get off my back Autism Society, fuckin’ Nazis.
“God’s little practical joke on me—as an intellect who doesn’t like to read a lot—is like, I’ll say some superphilosophical shit, but I’ll say it the wrong way,” he says, laughing. “I’ll use the wrong word, so it goes from being really special to completely retarded.”
See? Kanye intends to say insightful, intelligent things that will make the world realize he’s actually one of the great minds of our generation, but they just come out making him sound stupid. Hmmmm. I guess it’s kind of like how if you actually read General Relativity it’s nothing but dirty limericks and crude drawings of naked women. I’m sure Einstein meant to put something important in there. Fun Fact: “Superphilosophical shit” was the original working title of Nietzsche “The Birth of Tragedy.”
When I heard that Kanye West walked head first into a pole, my first thought was ‘Please God, let that pole be pointy and brain-penetrating.’ No such luck.
‘Well then,’ I thought, ‘At least let me witness the exact moment when his thick, ego-inflated skull hits this thing because I imagine the sound would be something akin to hearing the Bell of King Seongdeok, but with more swearing.’ Again, I was denied my Schadenfreude.
And I wonder, how is it that Kim Kardashian lets the paparazzi know her exact location so they can follow her every move, and the one time, the one opportunity they had to bring joy and happiness to the world, they fail? It’s like how Operation Valkyrie failed to kill Hitler, but worse.