John Mayer Scares Children

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Above: A depraved androgyne born of children’s nightmares and a 19th century Krampus Christmas card.

 

A Krampus is a demon-like creature of Alpine folklore who appears at Christmas to steal away naughty children and eat them. John Mayer is a chode who sings whiny, contrived songs in a high-pitched voice and has a suspiciously effeminate manner.

You can recognize a Krampus by its hairy body, brown or black coloring, goat-like horns and cloven hooves. You can recognize John Mayer by his pouty bitch-face, hairless body, bleached butt hole and ability to attract desperate actresses/singers on the rebound.

I ask you. Which one will be haunting your dreams tonight?

Image: Twitter_@katyperry & PD

Taylor Swift is Charitable, to Herself

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Dosomething.org has named Taylor Swift their number one ‘Celeb Gone Good’ for 2012.  Oh gee, how great, that’s just wonderful, fills me up with Christmas cheer! Taylor you’re such a good, kind, generous person, this totally makes up for you being an annoying, spiteful imp.

Except for, oh wait! What’s this? You’re being recognized for your $4 million dollar donation to the  Country Music Hall of Fame Museum. The Country Music  Hall of Fame Museum!  That’s not a donation, it’s a bribe.  She’s not even trying to be  underhanded about it.  Are you in her pocket too, Dosomething.org?  Why else would you recognize someone for making a donation to their own posterity?  There’s probably a clause the money be used exclusively for the museum’s new Taylor Swift wing.   It’s like me giving money to Habitat for Humanity, but only if they use the money to build me a new house.

 

Image:By Paolo Villanueva  [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Baby #2 and an Extra 200 lbs. for Jessica Simpson

ImageDespite her gaining 200 lbs and being forced to wear circus tents after her first pregnancy, Jessica Simpson’s husband still found her attractive enough to maintain an erection.  Because he climbed that heifer, closed his eyes, and hung on for the eight-second-ride while imagining the Jessica Simpson of Dukes of Hazard. And now Jessica has confirmed what everyone else already guessed when she tweeted this picture.  

I’m assuming this means she’s pregnant again. That or they realized Maxwell’s going to be a big girl like her mom and attend one of those churches where the women all call each other sister. Let’s go Occam’s Razor here and say Jessica’s Pregnant.  Which is great news if you own stock in whatever company it is that makes Pop Tarts.

Image: Twitter_@jessicasimpson

Justin Bieber is Out of Control

Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

Justin Bieber is an infuriating, punk-ass bitch who dresses like this, drives a Ferrari  and sings like a girl, but that’s all okay with his record label.   What they’re not okay with  is Justin  smoking weed everyday and being an insufferable douche, at least according to the New York Daily News. A source for Confidenti@l says:

 “Justin doesn’t seem to care and does whatever he wants,” a source tell Confidenti@l. One insider says Bieber’s team has had several talks with him, but “he doesn’t listen to anyone.”

“He smokes weed all day, from the time he gets up, and orders everybody around. He’s surrounded by hangers-on who say ‘yes’ to anything he wants. There’s no supervision.”

That source indicates Bieber’s family sometimes comes to him for money, which further complicates the situation.

While some close to Bieber think he’s simply exhibiting teen angst, another source tells us, “This could really damage his reputation if they don’t get it under control. Justin is someone young teens look up to and this kind of behavior can really hurt his career. Just look at what happened with Britney Spears.”

Damage his reputation? He’s a Canadian, wanna-be street thug who wears the crotch of his skinny jeans at his knees.  If this is true it could be the best thing for his credibility since he started dating that beard Selena Gomez.

Image: Fame/Flynet

Chris Rock Has Good PR

Chris_Rock_WE_2012_Shankbone_7I don’t how this has slipped under my radar for the past 14 years, but The Hollywood Reporter says Chris Rock recently settled a lawsuit with a Hungarian Model stemming from an alleged rape back in 1998, and the details are about as confusing and unbelievable as one of Chris Rock’s jokes.

Model Monika Zsibrita (good luck pronouncing that) filed a lawsuit  against Rock under Jane Doe v. John Doe, the two executed a confidentiality agreement to cover up what allegedly happened in a hotel room back in 1998.

According to Zsibrita, Rock attacked her and attempted to force her to perform oral sex on him. A week later, the two went out on another date, and  there allegedly was forced intercourse. Fact: Forcing a woman to give you a blow-job will get you a second date. Try it, it’s true! In the pleadings, Rock denied all allegations of rape and other wrongdoing.

Zsibrita became pregnant and claimed the child was Rock’s, but the paternity test said it wasn’t. During the paternity proceeding, Rock hired the now-imprisoned private investigator, Anthony Pellicano, which is another shit storm in itself, (you can read about that here.)

The confidentiality agreement was compromised however when Rock went on Howard Stern and said that he was scammed, that he forgot to wear a condom, that a Nigerian got (Zsibrita) pregnant and that it was all a setup.  That almost sounds like he was trying to tell a joke.

Zsibirta sued Rock for breach of contract and a whole slew of details from the first lawsuit came out, like that Zsibrita kept a Kleenex tissue of Rock’s sperm in the freezer. Fact: Hungarian bitches are crazy!

And here we are 14 years after the original incident and things have finally been settled ‘amicably,’  it’s like a Christmas miracle. Just goes to show that if you’re crazy enough to try to scam a celebrity into having your baby, you really will get that big pay day; A fraction of what you asked for,14 years later, less taxes and lawyer fees.  Have fun with it Monika, you earned it!

Rolling Stones’ Guitarist Ronnie Wood Marries

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It’s inspiring and heartwarming to know that even at 65, an aged and decrepit rocker can still find a loving woman 30 years his junior to marry him for his money. Longtime Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood walked down the aisle for the third time with 34-year-old theatre producer Sally Humphries.  The London wedding was attended by Paul McCartney and wife Nancy Shevell as well as Rod Stewart and his wife Penny Lancaster.

The three rock stars all expressed gratitude  that they possessed enough capital to find true, meaningful love, and how wonderful life was with a beautiful, younger women to share their massive assets with. While the bride Sally, Nancy and Penny spoke in hushed tones to each other about their hopes for a good flu season.

 

Image:By Eva Rinaldi [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D

Madonna Lectures Young Hoodlums at a Concert in Chile

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Madonna has the dubious distinction of being both the world’s biggest and oldest camel toe. And like any octogenarian whose undies have wedged themselves to deep into her wrinkled labia, she’s a crotchety old bitch, like this video where she’s yelling at her fans at a recent concert in Chile for smoking.

From the mouth of the almighty Madge (that rhymes with vadge.):

“There are people smoking right now, no smoking. If you’re going to smoke cigarettes, I’m not doing a show. You don’t care about me, I don’t care about you. All right? Are we going to play that game? I’m not kidding. I can’t sing if you smoke … You’re looking right at me and smoking cigarettes, like I’m a stupid f—ing idiot.” She then stormed off the stage, prepared herself a nice tincture of laudanum while someone explained to her that people in Chile don’t speak English; she then returned and finished the show.

“People shouldn’t come to concerts if they’re going to let loose and have fun,” Madonna fumed to her assistant later over the salad buffet at Sizzler, she then asked him to come back to her hotel room and show her how to use the remote control.

Image:By Ronald Woan  Uploaded by MyCanon (Madonna) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons