Monthly Archives: March 2013

Miley’s Single Ya’ll

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Page Six is reporting that Miley Cyrus has split with her finance, Australian actor Liam Hemsworth. The riff between the two became obvious when Miley was spotted without her engagement ring after Liam allegedly cheated on her with January Jones and then jetted off to Australia solo.

People from the South and people from Australia are known for being level-headed and sober, so these two were a good match. I’m sure their household was a carnival ride of flying blunt objects and swearing in unintelligible accents. Miley’s already twenty years old, if she was in her native environment she would already have at least three kids by now. So some words of wisdom to the next guys she dates: those are Smarties, not birth control.

But, don’t worry about ol’ Miley. There’s plenty of guys out there who would love to have sex with her then leave before she wakes up and starts chattering their ear off  like Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants. Plus, she’s hard at work on her new album and is being managed by the same man who brought about Britney Spears comeback after she went crazy following her break up with Justin Timberlake, so they’ll be no shaving-off-all-her hair-and-filling-the-emptiness-in-her-life-with-a-menagerie-of-small-dogs happening around here!

Image:Fame/Flynet; Wikipedia Commons/Fair Use

Gerard Butler Clarifies Who Brandi Glanville is: An Easy Fuck

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The closest that Brandi Glanville ever came to an actual celebrity was the time she banged Gerard Butler and he had no idea who she was, as evidenced when he asked a paparazzo after the tryst, “who’s Brandi Glanville?” In his defense, when you fuck a stranger in the bathroom at a party, the last thing you’re concerned about exchanging is names. Trust me.

But Gerard Butler is a consummate gentleman, or at least I assume he is with that accent, it’s just so charming! So, he explained to Howard Stern that he wasn’t trying to diss Brandi when he asked who she was, he really didn’t know.

See, Gerard thought he was having anonymous sex with an unfamous person; sex with another famous person (and I’m using that term loosely) would be ‘nonymous,’ and therefore, not as fun.

I think Gerard was also a little put off that Brandi told anyone at all, because you’re supposed to keep that kind of thing hidden inside your closet of shame, along with that time you bought a new vagina with your husband’s credit card after he left you for a skeletonized harpy in a blonde wig.

Justin Bieber Cancels Concert, Proves We’re All Fucking Stupid

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Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

I can’t think of a more telling sign that America is losing its dominance in the world than the fact that the Portugese have managed to run Justin Bieber out of their country while we continue to let him run wild though our streets with no shirt on and his pants down.

According to TMZ, Le Beaver has canceled his upcoming concert in Portugal due to low ticket sales while all his North American tour shows were completely sold out, which seems to indicate that a country whose only notable contribution to the world was maybe helping ‘discover’ a continent already inhabited by several million people has surpassed us in both intelligence and self-respect.

Amanda Bynes is Still Here You Guys, Try Not to Make Eye Contact

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Amanda Bynes tweeted this picture of herself over the weekend to remind everyone that with the right filter, a shit load of make-up and a compact covering half her face she can still pass for attractive, while also proving that she and Lindsay Lohan get their wigs from the same discount supplier. 

Holly Madison Names Her Baby, Probably Shouldn’t Have

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33-year-old Holly Madison, AKA one of the girls who sacrificed her youth blowing Hugh Hefner’s flaccid peen in exchange for fifteen minutes of fame, gave birth to a baby girl last week and bestowed upon her the name Rainbow Aurora; a name that surely, will garner her respect and credibility for her entire adult life. Plus, I’m pretty sure that’s the preferred stage name of strippers and escorts in the Pacific Northwest, so that will be convenient.

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Catholic Church Hates Breasts

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The Catholic League is up in arms over the above cover  of Loaded magazine depicting giant-jugged UK model Lucy Pinder dressed in clothing exclusive to priests, and people trying to pick up on young boys by pretending to be priests. Via TMZ:

Bill Donohue — president of the Catholic League — tells TMZ, “Lucy Pinder shouldn’t have any problem turning men’s heads, so it is all the more gratuitous to see her wearing a priest’s stole, stitched with crosses, nicely covering her plus-sized chest.”

“Thank God, those breasts were covered,” he added. “Now, where’s my jar of Vienna sausages, I can’t get enough of these things!”
Later, when presented with a copy of the offending magazine cover, Donohue made the sign of the cross and said “Oh God, breasts! *Hiss, Hiss* Get back Satan!

Justin Bieber Collapses at Concert

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Probably because he was up waayyy past his bedtime and had taken a few too many swigs of Dimetol, Justin Bieber collapsed during a performance in London last night. Much to the relief of the thousands of tweens who came to see him and the chagrin of their pissed off parents who had to chaperone, Justin returned to the stage to finish the show.

“Come on Emma looks like Justin might be dead, maybe we can get home in time for Duck Dyna…Son of a bitch, he’s back!”

After the show Justin was taken to a hospital where he tweeted the above picture to prove that he’s still perfectly capable of posing like a queer with his shirt off.