Tag Archives: Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber is Still Sharing his DNA

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Justin Bieber continues to prove to the world what an urbane and sophisticated young man he is by once again, spitting in another man’s, then presumably running behind his bodyguard sticking and his head out with his thumbs in his ears and going, “neener, neener you can’t get me.”

From TMZ:

The man — a DJ who performed at the Social Room on Park Street in Columbus, OH earlier that evening — called in to the Dave and Jimmy show on WNCI and explained the saga … saying it all started in the VIP room.

“Two of Bieber’s bouncers approached me and said I was trying to take pictures of Bieber.”

The man thinks JB was concerned because it was a 21+ night in the club … and Justin’s only 19.

The DJ says Bieber’s people grabbed his phone and started going through it looking for pics — but didn’t find any. Still, the man claims, the bouncers told JB the DJ was trying to take pics.

According to the DJ, Justin approached him moments later … and spouted off a couple of “choice words.”

“He called my mom something, called my dad something, called me something … and spit in my face.”

Okay, spitting on another person is the kind of thing that could and should get you killed. It’s the kind of thing ghetto transvestites do and it’s complete pussy shit which makes me believe that this story is true. So since George Zimmerman is a free man why don’t we send Justin to Florida, have him innocuously walk down the street and let Zimmerman work his magic. He can call it an act of redemption, only in America folks.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Justin Bieber’s Going to Space, And For the Last Time They’re Not Leaving Him There

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Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

When I first read about this, I was hoping that the U.N was finally putting some of their *cough* influence to good use and ridding the world of Justin Bieber; hopefully, throwing in Kim-Jong Un and Bashar Assad in for good measure too.

Yes, I did just compare Justin Bieber to the world’s most tyrannical despots. No, that’s not the reason he’s going to space. Justin actually paid money to be the butt of numerous jokes about how everyone hopes he’ll be blasted into the Sun by a  Virgin Galactic commercial space flight. Via the Guardian:

Bieber and his manager Scooter Braun were revealed to have enrolled with the entrepreneur’s programme via the medium of Twitter. “‘Great to hear @justinbieber & @scooterbraun are latest @virgingalactic future astronauts. Congrats, see you up there!” tweeted Branson. Bieber replied: “Let’s shoot a music video in SPACE!!”

Perhaps witnessing the ghostly spectre of  Earth as she spins fragilely against the backdrop of space will give Justin some perspective and he’ll pull up his pants and stop acting like an insufferable twat. Or maybe the ship will blow up. Either way, it’s a win-win.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Justin Bieber Might Be Charged With Battery, Will Still Get Off Scot-Free

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Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

A while back, Justin Bieber spit in his neighbor’s face and threatened to kill him because he’s an entitled little twit. Nobody expected anything to come of it because he’s a celebrity in LA, and they can pretty much roam the streets using civilians for target practice and get away with it. But according to TMZ, this time will be different, this time there will be consequences for a celebrity’s reckless behavior! But not really.

The L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept. investigated the case and sent the file to the D.A. Tuesday.  Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, Sheriff’s investigators are urging prosecutors to charge the singer with battery.  We’re told cops don’t think Bieber should go to jail, but he needs serious counseling because of his repeated and escalating bad behavior.
Law enforcement sources tell us Sheriff’s investigators are worried that Bieber is either going to “get his ass kicked” or “someone’s gonna get a $2 million payday” unless the singer changes his tune.

So the L.A. County Sheriff is ‘worried’ someone might finally kick the shit out of Justin like he totally deserves, or hold him financially responsible for his reckless behavior? Shouldn’t they be worried about more important things, like oh say, terrorists detonating a nuke or the next mass shooting at a mall where the Kardashians are introducing a new line of clothing/perfume/douches? (Not that I’ve considered it.) In fact, I think Justin Bieber getting his ass kicked might be at the top of the list of ‘Things People Would Pay Good Money to See,’ right behind Farrah Abraham doing anal apparently.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Dear Diary, Today I Kicked Justin Bieber in the Nuts

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I read The Diary of Anne Frank when I was around 10 years old, and even though that was many years and many bong loads ago, I can nonetheless assure you that there was not one mention of Justin Bieber anywhere in that book, I  remember Ol’Yeller gets rabies and has to be shot, but definitely no Bieber.

But that didn’t stop Justin Bieber from presuming that if Anne Frank were alive today she would be one of his screaming, obnoxious fans willing to send death threats to anyone who dare speak ill of him on Twitter. Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam over the weekend and according the museum’s Facebook page:

 He stayed more than an hour in the museum. In our guestbook he wrote: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”

I will overlook the fact that he marginalized the incredible story and tragic end of a brave young woman by using her as a self-serving opportunity to promote himself. But ‘Anne was a great girl,’ is the phrase you use to describe the date that gave you a blowjob in the back of your 91’ Honda Civic after taking them to In-N-Out and never calling them again. Fuck you, Justin! I thought you really liked me!

Justin Bieber’s Monkey Was Confiscated By the Germans. You Read That Right.

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Last week record producer Mally Mal gave Justin Bieber a capuchin monkey, because what better gift to give a reckless, irresponsible teenager than a wild animal that has the potential to rip off your face. Now that I think about it, I’m beginning to like this monkey!

But alas, the relationship was short-lived. TMZ is reporting that the monkey was confiscated by customs officials at the Munich airport for not having the required paperwork and is being held in quarantine. Damn those pesky laws intended to inhibit the spread of infectious diseases! No word yet if lil’ Beaver plans on getting the monkey back, but I’m pretty sure it’s already learned from Justin how to bite and scratch its way out of anything.

Justin Bieber Shares His DNA With a Fan*

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*By ‘fan’ I mean irate neighbor, same thing.

If you ask anybody that knows me, they’ll tell you I drive like old people fuck: Disappointingly slow while listening to public radio. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who think speeding on public streets is a legitimate hobby. If you’re going to do something illegal for you kicks, get into drugs, you’ll have way more fun, and probably have an occasion or two when you think you really are driving a car but you’re actually just sitting on the couch. Plus, drugs never hurt anybody.

What I’m getting at here is that Justin Bieber had a knew Ferrari delivered to his gated Calabasas home, and felt the need to race the thing through residential streets at 100mph. Watch out for cats!

According to TMZ:

The man — a 47-year-old successful businessman and father of 3 — went onto Justin’s Calabasas property and screamed, “You can’t drive like this!”  The man told deputies, Justin responded by saying , “Get the f**k out of here,” and then he spit in the guy’s face and said, “I’m gonna f**king kill you.” The man filed a battery report and we’re told he wants Bieber prosecuted and will not back down.

The only way a 5’2 noodle-armed wiener could pull a move like that without having his face ripped off is he was surrounded by his hulking bodyguards, which he was. But, apparently, the DA takes charges of spitting very seriously and is investigating.

So remember, it’s acceptable to drive coked-up and drunk through the streest of LA county, with a trunk full of stolen jewelry and hit a few non-famous people along the way, but you goddam well better not spit on anybody!

Image:Fame/Flynet

Justin Bieber Grew A Mustache Over the Weekend

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Lil’ Justin Bieber, is starting to grow up, and beginning to notice hair where there wasn’t hair before, tweeting the picture on the left on Friday with the caption, “growing out my stash.”

Now, I was hoping that once Beaver gets a full ‘stache and a pair of tits, he’d stop parading around like a little bitch with no shirt on. But alas, it did not last.  On Saturday, he tweeted the picture on the right after taking his pink, daisy razor and hacking away the offending peach fuzz. I guess, in a way I’m kind of jealous of Justin. I’m an Italian girl, I get a five-o-clock shadow over  my body 30 minutes after shaving.