Can We All Agree That Amanda Bynes’ Twitter Account is a National Treasure?

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After her arrest last week for possession of drugs and attempted murder with a bong, Amanda Bynes had a quiet, uneventful weekend sitting at home on Twitter posting William Faulkner-esque stream-of-consciousness like rants that nobody understands but are supposed to believe are meaningful and important nonetheless, at one point claiming the arresting police officer ‘slapped her vagina.’ Years from now, experts will marvel at her literary genius:

I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. 

Amanda then tweeted the reason Chris Brown beat Rihanna was because she was ugly, before realizing that statement might not be well received by most people except maybe certain residents of the South and the Hell’s Angels, and quickly deleted it, but not before Rihanna could reply in a surprisingly lucid manner:

Ya see what happens when they cancel Intervention?

To which Amanda replied:

@rihanna unlike ur fugly faced self I don’t do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met ur ugly face in person! U aren’t pretty u know it!

Amanda then claimed that those tweets to Rihanna were FAKE, even though they used the phrase ‘ugly face’ which has pretty much become a registered trademark of Amanda Bynes:

I saw a bunch of mocked up tweets about me bashing Rihanna in my mentions. I’m followed by so many people that someone is always mocking up fake tweets so I feel the need to address them! Rihanna and I met and I’m sure we’ll be in a music video together one day! 

And that pretty much brings us up to date on Amanda Bynes. Oh, did I also mention that Amanda plans on becoming a rapper now? Her first single will be “Slap My Vagina.” It practically writes itself.

Amanda Bynes Was Arrested Last Night

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We’ll I certainly never saw this coming. Amanda Bynes was arrested last night for possession of weed as well as a few other crimes that involve her literally trying to kill somebody with a bong, which now that I think about it, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before. From TMZ:

According to law enforcement sources … a building official called police after spotting Amanda in the lobby with a joint, acting erratically and talking to herself.  We’re told when cops arrived they knocked at her door and she let them in.  
Our sources say when police saw the bong Amanda quickly tossed it out the window … which fortunately didn’t hit anyone on the street below.
Amanda, who was wearing a platinum blonde wig, was placed under arrest and went ballistic, yelling, “Don’t you know who I am?”
She was booked for criminal possession of pot, as well as reckless endangerment and FELONY tampering with evidence.
Our law enforcement sources say Amanda was briefly taken to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation and then taken to the station for booking.  

Fortunately? Don’t editorialize TMZ. If Amanda had actually hurt a person with that thing, or God forbid killed them, they might be able to put her away for a while. As is, she’s going to be released in a few hours and the first thing she’s going to do is get the death ray she’s been making out of disassembled microwaves and old cell phones over the past year operational. “There’s still a few flaws to be worked out with the concentration levels,” she’ll say, “but I’m confident it’ll be able to light my joint and wipe out a quarter of the population.” *laughs maniacally*

This Isn’t Amanda Bynes But if it Was This is What She Would Look Like

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Two photographers have infiltrated Amanda Byne’s apartment, making their way through the wig maze and microwave zone to snap pictures of her squalid apartment and claimed they saw Amanda using marijuana and cocaine. The two photographers then sold their horrifying tale to Intouch magazine, which Amanda then threatened to sue because those guys are lying and the pictures are totally fake and photoshopped and those aren’t her feet, and besides, the black guy was the ones who brought the drugs!

“That’s not my bed! Those aren’t my toes! My toes are pedicured!”Amanda tweeted on Wednesday night, regarding the exclusive layout in this week’s issue of In Touch magazine. Via Radar:

“I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by obviously that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him!”

The “black man” Amanda is referring to is a photographer named Giovanni Arnold — the one who did the interview with the tabloid and shared the photos.

“I have to sue because that’s not my apartment, those aren’t my clothes! They morphed photos of my face onto someone’s body to ruin my life!” Amanda claims.

“I have to make a big deal of this and sue because that’s not me! I care about my appearance so I have to defend myself! I look so much prettier now that I had surgery that I only want new post surgery photos of me on the cover of tabloids and real magazines that I don’t need to sue!”

And then to completely substantiate and lend credibility to everything she just said about how the In Touch  story is fake, Amanda told the magazine:

 “They’re the ones into drugs, so they bring drugs, but I don’t do them.”

So what Amanda is saying is “These people are liars I’ve never met in my life, now tell them to come get their microphones out of my apartment and if they could I need them to bring by an eight ball later.”

Image:Twitter

Amanda Bynes Business as Usual

Conflicting reports suggest that the police may have been called to Amanda Bynes NYC home after she made suicide threats to her/a publicist. It’s nice to see those kinds of things are still taken seriously. These days, when I stick my head in the oven my husband asks if that’s really what we’re having for dinner. I’ll do it this time I swear!

Amanda got into a twitter fight and then quickly made up with Jenny McCarthy after she repeated via Twitter that the police had been called to Amanda’s home. The original tweet came from Jonathan Jaxson, a self-described “Publicist/Manager/Marketing/Consulting/God Fearing/Realtor” who has been helping Amanda with her public image. Are you still following all this? Then you’re stupid.

Jonathan Jaxson told Radar Online:

“Amanda had called me and we had a private conversation, but it was clear to me that she was high on drugs.

Then, she said that she didn’t want to live anymore. I took that as that she wanted to kill herself. I freaked out.”

Jaxson said he immediately called the New York Police Department and tweeted at their handle that the 27-year-old ex-Nickelodeon star was “soooo messed up on drugs”, knowing that officers would then perform a welfare check.

Police have not said if they attended Bynes’ apartment, but Jaxson told RadarOnline.com he later received a call from an officer explaining that Bynes “was fine”.

All this does is prove to me that Twitter really is the playground for our most idiotic members of society, at least it keeps them off the streets. Did this guy really tweet to the NYPD to go help Amanda? Did he do that right after sending out a picture of his Kung Pao Chicken he was about to eat? But what I find most unbelievable about all of this is that Amanda Bynes has a publicist. What has this guy been doing as his client self-implodes on Twitter while wandering the streets of New York talking to the parking meters? She would be better off hiring the person representing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

Miley Cyrus Should Probably Be Scared Right Now

View image on TwitPic website

View image on TwitPic website

Amanda Bynes took a break from talking to the voices inside her smoke alarms to shave half of her head and post some pictures of her new ‘do on Twitter. All I can think of when I see these pictures is that Miley Cyrus might want to go into hiding in the very near future. I’m pretty sure Amanda’s next move will be showing up at Miley’s house with a chloroform-soaked rag and a hatchet.

“Hi Liam, I’m Miley now. Don’t mind those flies buzzing around, they’re controlled by the French government. They follow me wherever I go. STOPSTRUGGLINGANDDIEBITCHDIE!”

Image: Twitter_@amandabynnes

Amanda Bynes is Crazy Because She Smokes Weed. Hahahahahahaha!

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Since 90% of the people using the internet are currently smoking a joint while watching increasingly depraved porn in a desperate attempt to get off, we can all have a good laugh at Radar Online’s assertion that the ‘secret’ reason Amanda Bynes is wack-a-doodle crazy is because she smokes marijuana.

The ex-Nickelodeon star “has used marijuana as a recreational user for several years,” a source close to the troubled actress revealed.

“Amanda’s increasingly disturbing behavior is related to the fact that she smokes pot.

“It makes her more paranoid and instead of mellowing her out, it does the opposite. Amanda begins talking faster and just can’t seem to sit still.”

It’s been pretty well documented that Amanda smokes the wacky-tobacky, so it’s really not a secret, and unless she’s lacing her bong loads with PCP, I have a hard time believing that when Amanda tweeted the above ‘flattering’ picture she was only stoned. It would take a hell of lot more than the good shit to convince someone that’s an attractive picture of a duck, let alone a female human being.

Amanda Bynes Wore This Because She’s Perfectly Sane

Following the playbook “How to Destroy a Once Promising Career,” produced, written, directed and starring Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes has taken to Twitter threatening to sue US Weekly and Perez Hilton for suggesting she’s mentally unstable after she was photographed leaving a McDonald’s in Times Square with a blue shirt over her head.

“I’m suing @usweekly & @perezhilton for continuing to act like I’m doing something wrong by tweeting and walking to photoshoots. F–k you!!!!” Amanda Tweeted.

Then like most mentally unstable people, she completely forgot what she was so upset about, tweeting a few minutes later “Check my twitter for updates on my clothing and perfume line plus pix!”

When asked for comment about her potential lawsuits Amanda replied, “Frogs don’t need bicycles when they have helicopters, but the pencils just ride around on microwaves. Why are you trying to read my mind?”