The beginning of 2016 felt a lot like 2011, in that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth appeared to be back together after ringing in the new year and getting caught being affectionate at some Australian music festival that I imagine involved a didgeridoo. Except then I looked around and saw I was still 40 lbs. heavier and unemployed, with two kids and that my life was essentially over. Yeah, it’s 2016.
But enough bout me and the demise of my hopes and dreams, let us focus on the young and exhibitionistic. Since Miley spent 2015 parading her vagina around with Wayne Coyne in some kind of over-the-top Thai ping-pong show, let’s hope this rumor is true. It’s time someone wrestled Miley to the ground and stuffed that thing into some pants, and since Liam is Australian I’m sure he’s up for the task, it’ll be just like ‘gator hunting, but with more teeth.
In light of his recent troubles that involve drugs, spitting on strangers and pissing in buckets, Miley Cyrus has issued a very meaningful warning to Justin Bieber to stop being ‘stupid,’ via Page Six:
“When you’re not around, all they want is your music. They want to see what the next thing is. But when your music is out they just want to talk s**t about you.
“When you’re a worldwide star, everyone sees everything. Lots of people make a video and put it on Instagram, some people might think it’s funny but because it’s Justin Bieber, it’s really bad.
“I always tell him just to be cool and not talk about it because when you talk it fuels the fire. He’s still stupid though. But everyone does dumb stuff when they are messed up, and he’s done dumb stuff.”
Miley then posted a selfie smoking a joint on Twitter, removed her pants and filmed a Youtube video twerking in nothing but a single, sequined glove. There’s something here about the possum calling the ‘coon gray.
Despite all the rumors of them breaking up because Miley is millionaire, ghetto hoodrat who wears oversized Tu-Pac shirts with no pants now and should at this point be sleeping with the entire LA Lakers starting lineup. Here’s a picture a fan snapped of Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus in Canada not at all looking like a couple that was fighting but had to awkwardly pretend like they were getting along to take a picture with fan. Great smile guys, you’ve got them all fooled!
In the midst of her parent’s divorce, Miley has taken to Twitter in order to communicate with her father, Billy Ray, because apparently, right after climbing up a high tree and yelling “Hey, Pa!” that’s the best way of getting a hold of him these days. Last night Miley directed the above picture and tweet to her father seeming to suggest that Billy Ray is hiding something that involves the mystery woman in the picture. Miley later deleted the picture probably because posting your attempts at blackmail on the internet can later be used against you in a court of law. Something I learned the hard way. And since parents always respond well to being threatened by their children via social media I’m sure Billy Ray met all Miley’s demands before asking her to wire him some money.
Because being in a relationship with Miley Cyrus is a lot like being addicted to meth, in that it’s probably not very good for your job prospects or your teeth, Liam Hemsworth’s brothers, Chris and Luke, have staged an intervention in order to get the white squirrel that is Miley Cyrus off his back once and for all.
Liam Hemsworth’s actor siblings, Chris and Luke, were so fired up about the relationship between their little brother and fiancee Miley Cyrus, they staged an intervention with him in April.
“They want him to end the romance for good,” a source tells Us Weekly. And apparently their words have made an impact. The couple of nearly four years — who got engaged last June — recently stopped making wedding plans and have been spending plenty of time apart.
What Liam doesn’t know is that when he gave Miley that ring and asked her to marry him that’s what people from the South refer to as a ‘Law Bindin’ Contract’ enforceable by the NRA.
“Ain’t no fancy, funny talkin’ British boy gonna mess with my horse-suit wearin’, pot-smokin’ daughter’s honor,” said Billy Ray as he reloaded his sawed-off shotgun.
Give me a man who hasn’t dreamed about fucking a girl wearing a unicorn suit and I’ll give you a man living in his grandma’s basement sewing a dick cozy out of one of her cats. It’s perfectly normal.
And here’s Miley twerking in a unicorn suit and not at all acting like she’s on her way to a Britney Spears’ style meltdown.
Page Six is reporting that Miley Cyrus has split with her finance, Australian actor Liam Hemsworth. The riff between the two became obvious when Miley was spotted without her engagement ring after Liam allegedly cheated on her with January Jones and then jetted off to Australia solo.
People from the South and people from Australia are known for being level-headed and sober, so these two were a good match. I’m sure their household was a carnival ride of flying blunt objects and swearing in unintelligible accents. Miley’s already twenty years old, if she was in her native environment she would already have at least three kids by now. So some words of wisdom to the next guys she dates: those are Smarties, not birth control.
But, don’t worry about ol’ Miley. There’s plenty of guys out there who would love to have sex with her then leave before she wakes up and starts chattering their ear off like Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants. Plus, she’s hard at work on her new album and is being managed by the same man who brought about Britney Spears comeback after she went crazy following her break up with Justin Timberlake, so they’ll be no shaving-off-all-her hair-and-filling-the-emptiness-in-her-life-with-a-menagerie-of-small-dogs happening around here!
Image:Fame/Flynet; Wikipedia Commons/Fair Use