Tiger Woods Leaves Lindsey Vonn in the Car, Hopefully Cracks the Window

File:Lindsey Vonn 2010.jpg

Image

On the top is a picture of Lindsey Vonn, Tiger Woods’ latest attempt to appear like a normal, guy who likes committed, missionary sex with his white bread girlfriend, a solid five on a good day.

On the bottom is Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s ex-wife and a Swedish amazon, who also is a twin might I add.

Tiger and Lindsey are officially a couple now, so Tiger is trying to slowly integrate her into his children’s lives by leaving her sitting in the car for over an hour during his daughter’s soccer game, because Elin was sitting on the other side of the field. A move which is probably fortuitous for Lindsey, if I were her I wouldn’t let Elin stand within a quarter mile radius of me.

Image:Fame/Flynet

 

Daily Discharge

Image

Candice Swanepoel shows us the white girl ass to end all white girl asses. On that note, I think mine might have actually brushed the back of my knees today. (above)

If you date George Clooney for a year he’ll buy you a house, but if you give Lou Diamond Phillips a hand job in the bathroom of a three-star hotel he might buy you a drink; just saying. D Listed 

Charlize Theron takes her dog and token black kid for a walk, but what I really want to know is what the fat, black woman with the purple hair thinks is so fucking funny about that. ICYDK

Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to freeze her eggs now, because men love that and don’t find it creepy or desperate at all. The Superficial

Justin Bieber did what none of us thought was possible; made us feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. WWTDD

 

How Come Gwyneth Paltrow Can Starve Her Children and I Can’t?

Apple: Mom, Moses is foaming at the mouth again.

GOOP: Spritz him down with artisanal, orchid-infused mist and wipe him down, baby. And, I told you, I’m “mum” now, we’re in London!

Gwyneth Paltrow has confessed in her newly released cookbook that she’s been starving her children, Apple and Moses, in an attempt to help them reach a transcendental state Buddhists refer to as Nirvana, but Gweny likes to call “Perfection”

In the Queen of Queef’s new literary and culinary masterpiece It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes that Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great, she describes how to blow all your money eating like a subterranean Mole Man, until her next food craze comes around and she tells you everything she told you to eat before will give you cancer now.

Now, if you were stupid enough to buy the GOOP’s previous book Notes From My Kitchen Table, use that shit to start up your wood-fired oven, because those recipes almost killed her!

“One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die,” Gwyneth recalled. She goes on to say how her diet had caused her to feel like she was having a stroke and needed to go back and write a new book to tell everyone that what she said in her previous book was bullshit and to buy this book, which features mouth-watering recipes that have no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy and no processed food.

The GOOP describes how her new, even more Draconian diet often leaves her family feeling hungry, but not ‘strokey’. “Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.”

But that’s okay, they can fill the void in their stomachs with cashmere socks and gold lamé shoes.

If a mother only fed her children chia seeds and hand-picked berries from the family farm because that was all she could afford, she would be called neglectful and probably have her children taken from her, but if you do it because you have too much money and time on your hands and your bat-shit fucking crazy you can brag about it in your new book and people will take your shitty, medically uninformed advice and try it on their own kids. That’s why I love celebrities!

Nicole Sherzinger Thinks She Wasted Her Talent By Not Slutting Around

 

Image

Reflecting on her career choices in a new interview with The Independent, Nicole Sherzinger bemoans a life wasted dressing too conservatively and not sleeping her way to the top.

 

 If only Nicole had flashed her vadge more, been more generous with her blowjobs or accepted Clive Davis’ offer for that threesome with a Thai transsexual, she might have been an Oscar nominee or a Nobel laureate!  Instead she’s a judge on a reality talent show no one watches. I understand Nicole’s position, if I have but one regret in this life, it’s that I didn’t live up to my full slut potential. Oh, the dreams I dreamed!

 

Heed her words, women of the world, for we can learn from this wise one’s mistakes.

 

“To be honest with you, I sometimes wish I were more slutty. I’d probably be a lot more successful if I were… This is such a tough industry, you know. To make it, you really have to sell your soul to the devil… That’s probably why I haven’t quite reached the top of my mountain. I mean, where’s my Tony Award, my Grammy, my Oscar? Why don’t I have any of those things yet?”

 

“I may not be particularly talented or  intelligent, but I can dress up like a whore as good as the rest of ‘em.” She added. “Now give me my Grammy! Gimme,gimme gimme!”

Image:Fame/Flynet

 

 

 

 

Gerard Butler Clarifies Who Brandi Glanville is: An Easy Fuck

The closest that Brandi Glanville ever came to an actual celebrity was the time she banged Gerard Butler and he had no idea who she was, as evidenced when he asked a paparazzo after the tryst, “who’s Brandi Glanville?” In his defense, when you fuck a stranger in the bathroom at a party, the last thing you’re concerned about exchanging is names. Trust me.

But Gerard Butler is a consummate gentleman, or at least I assume he is with that accent, it’s just so charming! So, he explained to Howard Stern that he wasn’t trying to diss Brandi when he asked who she was, he really didn’t know.

See, Gerard thought he was having anonymous sex with an unfamous person; sex with another famous person (and I’m using that term loosely) would be ‘nonymous,’ and therefore, not as fun.

I think Gerard was also a little put off that Brandi told anyone at all, because you’re supposed to keep that kind of thing hidden inside your closet of shame, along with that time you bought a new vagina with your husband’s credit card after he left you for a skeletonized harpy in a blonde wig.

Justin Bieber Cancels Concert, Proves We’re All Fucking Stupid

Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

I can’t think of a more telling sign that America is losing its dominance in the world than the fact that the Portugese have managed to run Justin Bieber out of their country while we continue to let him run wild though our streets with no shirt on and his pants down.

According to TMZ, Le Beaver has canceled his upcoming concert in Portugal due to low ticket sales while all his North American tour shows were completely sold out, which seems to indicate that a country whose only notable contribution to the world was maybe helping ‘discover’ a continent already inhabited by several million people has surpassed us in both intelligence and self-respect.

Amanda Bynes is Still Here You Guys, Try Not to Make Eye Contact

Amanda Bynes tweeted this picture of herself over the weekend to remind everyone that with the right filter, a shit load of make-up and a compact covering half her face she can still pass for attractive, while also proving that she and Lindsay Lohan get their wigs from the same discount supplier.