GOOPy Is Even More Granola Than We Thought

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When Gwyneth Paltrow “AKA People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman and don’t you forget it,” wore this sheer paneled dress to the premiere of Iron Man 3 everyone began to speculate on how she dealt with her pubes in such a revealing outfit. Did she have an army of Nepalese child slaves pluck each hair out individually? Did she perform a ritualistic wax using manuka honey infused with the tears of starving African children? Or, being Goopy-Granola, is she sporting a bush so big you need a machete to cut through it?

Yesterday Gwyneth went on Ellen  to elaborate on her grooming techniques. Turns out it’s the latter, sorry if you were eating breakfast.

“I kind of had a disaster,” Paltrow explained “I was doing a show and I changed there, and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear. I don’t think I can tell this story on TV. Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day… I work a seventies vibe, if you know what I mean!”

I just hope when she made those plebians hack away at her understory to keep it from exploding out of that dress she made sure they kept an eye out for any sloths living in there. I think those things are endangered.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Gwyneth Paltrow Named Most Beautiful *Slap Forehead*

Gwyneth Paltrow Is People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman

The pedestrian People magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow 2013’s most beautiful woman. Since in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Take Up Residence in the Belfry at Notre Dame,” I don’t really have a platform to say ol’ Gweny Goop isn’t beautiful, she looks great for a 40-year-old woman, and she hasn’t resorted to plastic surgery…yet. Although she probably has resorted to housing pregnant illegal immigrants in her mansion and forcing them to have abortions so she can feast on the flesh of the unborn which she believes keeps her young, just saying.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is yes, Gwyneth is beautiful, but believe me, this bitch knows that better than anybody else. The last thing she need is a boost to an ego already so big she’s about to  emerge from her silken cocoon like Mothra and destroy Manhattan for overturning the soft drink ban. They should have named Britney Spears as Most Beautiful, she looks like she could really use a pick me up. Let’s keep GOOPy’s awards to things more up her alley like “Most Likely to ‘Accidentally’ Starve Her Children,” of “Most Likely to Die in a Wood-Fired Stove Related Accident.”

How Come Gwyneth Paltrow Can Starve Her Children and I Can’t?

Apple: Mom, Moses is foaming at the mouth again.

GOOP: Spritz him down with artisanal, orchid-infused mist and wipe him down, baby. And, I told you, I’m “mum” now, we’re in London!

Gwyneth Paltrow has confessed in her newly released cookbook that she’s been starving her children, Apple and Moses, in an attempt to help them reach a transcendental state Buddhists refer to as Nirvana, but Gweny likes to call “Perfection”

In the Queen of Queef’s new literary and culinary masterpiece It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes that Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great, she describes how to blow all your money eating like a subterranean Mole Man, until her next food craze comes around and she tells you everything she told you to eat before will give you cancer now.

Now, if you were stupid enough to buy the GOOP’s previous book Notes From My Kitchen Table, use that shit to start up your wood-fired oven, because those recipes almost killed her!

“One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die,” Gwyneth recalled. She goes on to say how her diet had caused her to feel like she was having a stroke and needed to go back and write a new book to tell everyone that what she said in her previous book was bullshit and to buy this book, which features mouth-watering recipes that have no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy and no processed food.

The GOOP describes how her new, even more Draconian diet often leaves her family feeling hungry, but not ‘strokey’. “Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.”

But that’s okay, they can fill the void in their stomachs with cashmere socks and gold lamé shoes.

If a mother only fed her children chia seeds and hand-picked berries from the family farm because that was all she could afford, she would be called neglectful and probably have her children taken from her, but if you do it because you have too much money and time on your hands and your bat-shit fucking crazy you can brag about it in your new book and people will take your shitty, medically uninformed advice and try it on their own kids. That’s why I love celebrities!