How Come Gwyneth Paltrow Can Starve Her Children and I Can’t?

Apple: Mom, Moses is foaming at the mouth again.

GOOP: Spritz him down with artisanal, orchid-infused mist and wipe him down, baby. And, I told you, I’m “mum” now, we’re in London!

Gwyneth Paltrow has confessed in her newly released cookbook that she’s been starving her children, Apple and Moses, in an attempt to help them reach a transcendental state Buddhists refer to as Nirvana, but Gweny likes to call “Perfection”

In the Queen of Queef’s new literary and culinary masterpiece It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes that Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great, she describes how to blow all your money eating like a subterranean Mole Man, until her next food craze comes around and she tells you everything she told you to eat before will give you cancer now.

Now, if you were stupid enough to buy the GOOP’s previous book Notes From My Kitchen Table, use that shit to start up your wood-fired oven, because those recipes almost killed her!

“One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die,” Gwyneth recalled. She goes on to say how her diet had caused her to feel like she was having a stroke and needed to go back and write a new book to tell everyone that what she said in her previous book was bullshit and to buy this book, which features mouth-watering recipes that have no coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no shellfish, no deep-water fish, no wheat, no meat, no soy and no processed food.

The GOOP describes how her new, even more Draconian diet often leaves her family feeling hungry, but not ‘strokey’. “Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.”

But that’s okay, they can fill the void in their stomachs with cashmere socks and gold lamé shoes.

If a mother only fed her children chia seeds and hand-picked berries from the family farm because that was all she could afford, she would be called neglectful and probably have her children taken from her, but if you do it because you have too much money and time on your hands and your bat-shit fucking crazy you can brag about it in your new book and people will take your shitty, medically uninformed advice and try it on their own kids. That’s why I love celebrities!

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