Author Archives: thevadge

Jenelle Evans is Back on the Market Single Guys

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Above: Jenelle Evans and her soon-to-be-ex-husband of three weeks, Courtland Rogers, present a compelling case for proponents of forced sterilization.

I don’t really keep up with Teen Mom on MTV because 1.)MTV sucks and I feel old and out of touch when I watch it and  2.) The name of the show says it all. So I was dumbfounded when I heard today that heroin junkie, Jenelle Evans, and that guy with the neck tattoos that she married three weeks ago after  a two week engagement were already calling it quits.

What went wrong you two?  Why couldn’t you make this work?  You had so much in common,  felony charges, unstable personalities, substance abuse, and the combined mental acuity of a pack of Marlboro Lights.  I can’t think of a better argument for the eugenics movement.

And of course, the relationship’s meltdown all went down in 144-character accusations via Twitter when Jenelle tweeted…aww fuck, I can’t do this. You can check her Twitter if you want  to sort through the jumbled rants and misused homophones of a drug-addled twat, but I’m drawing a line. (@PBandJennelley_1)

Image: Twitter – @PBandJennelley_1

Hugh Hefner & Crystal Harris are Getting Married…For Real This Time!

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 Update: The couple went through with their New Years nuptials (how alliterative) and are officially husband and wife,  Crystal better get used to the sight if a colostomy bag.

Hugh Hefner must be suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease because he’s engaged to Crystal Harris, again. The same Crystal Harris Hef was going to marry last year, who dumped him five days before the planned wedding, dropped a presumably horrible album, tried to get her own reality show, and sold her $90K engagement ring at auction for $38k.

Sources tell TMZ that Harris feels the time she spent apart from Hef really taught her how to be independent and stand on her own two feet.  I’m going to presume that she meant knees here. ‘Stand on her knees,’ makes a lot more sense.

The only reason anyone found Crystal interesting was because she was banging an octogenarian, and once that was over she didn’t really have a whole lot to offer (Courtney Stodden, take note).  So in an effort to claw her way back from obscurity, she’s engaged to marry Hef.  Again! On New Year’s Eve! OMG how romantic!

I’ve always thought Hugh Hefner was a somewhat intelligent person and I’m going to presume this is all happening because he’s senile and doesn’t realize that she’s the same person.  After all, there’s a lot of women hanging out at the Playboy Mansion who fit Crystal’s profile.

By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Lady GaGa Offers Counseling to People Who Listen to Her Music

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Lady GaGa announced that she will be offering free counseling sessions before her Born This Way Ball to any concert-goers who wish to receive treatment.  The counseling sessions will take place aboard the Born Brave bus; yeah, you read that right, a bus.

This really raises a lot of questions. Like, why do people attending your concert need to see a counselor? Do you really think anyone with actual psychological problems will be able to get meaningful help inside of a bus, immediately before they drop some X, get drunk on $12 beer, and dance themselves into a stupor while listening to your clichéd music? And finally, shouldn’t you be offering them counseling after the concert when they realize they spent $100 to watch a transvestite sing Madonna songs?

Image:By Artpop Gaga (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, May God Help Us All

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I’m still not 100% convinced this isn’t a publicity stunt, but Kanye West implied on stage last night at his concert in Atlantic that Kim Kardashian is pregnant by saying “Can we make some noise for my baby mama, right quick?”

And then the cackling banshees that are Kim’s sisters both confirmed the news on Twitter, (of course.)

From Khloe:  “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freakin excited”

and from Kourtney: “Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can.”

I guess it makes sense, Kim was probably contractually obligated by E! and Satan to have a baby within six years. Regardless of your beliefs, you should start praying immediately, because if it’s true, this baby is is going to be like the kid from The Omen. A child spawned by fame whores, nurtured in a womb of Botox, and nursed at the teat of reality television. When this thing emerges from Kim’s yawning, cavernous vadge it will be  holding a bottle of amniotic fluid and calling it its first fragrance release. And it will only get worse from there.  Kim will probably auction off her placenta and the baby’s cord blood, then she’ll sell the first screaming, bloody pictures of that devil spawn to People for a couple million.

Image:By Eva Rinaldi  Uploaded by MyCanon (Kim Kardashian) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Stacy Keibler’s Barely Hanging On

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One day it’s champagne with George Clooney at his Lake Como estate in Italy, the next it’s beer pong with Michael Phelps at a dive bar in Mexico.  I couldn’t think of two more disparate scenarios, but that seems to be the situation Stacy Keibler’s in when she tweeted this picture with the caption “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”Saturday night from Cabo San Lucas where she was hanging out with the slack-jawed Olympic swimmer.

To be fair, George Clooney is in Mexico with her, and a few other B-celebrities, but I can’t see this lasting much longer.  George is classy, I can’t see him wanting to spend New Years with the likes of Jimmy Fallon, Jennifer Aniston and that guy she’s playing beard to, Jennifer’s probably asking him every twenty minutes if Brad ever talks about her.

My guess is he’s trying to let her down gently. “See,” he’ll say, ” you don’t need a private jet and the Oscars to be happy, you just need a Mexican resort and beer pong.” This is the writing on the wall Stacy, you’re days are numbered. 2013 is going to see you and Michael Phelps in a sports themed reality show that will likely involve Jello wrestling.

Image: Instagram_@stacykeibler

Beyonce’s Fans are Going to Stampede Superbowl XLVII

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As if the overweight, desperate faction of Beyonce’s fans haven’t been empowered enough by songs like Irreplaceable and Single Ladies , Beyonce  has to go and give them another boost of self confidence by bringing them onstage with her at Superbowl 2013.

Beyonce has teamed up with  Pepsi to choose 50 of her fattest, ugliest fans  (because you  know she’s not going to let anyone remotely attractive on stage with her) and those 50 fans will get to bring an even fatter, uglier friend, (because you know those bitches aren’t going to bring a friend who looks better than them.) Then all 100 of them are going to shake their  badonkadonks and test the power of the screws holding the temporary stage together, and as terrible as that sounds, it will still be a vast improvement over Madonna.  You can participate in the contest by uploading a photo of yourself dancing here.  Although, now that I’ve explained it, I don’t see why you would want to.

Image:By Beyoncé_Knowles_GMA_2011.jpg: Asterio Tecson derivative work: Danny toons (Beyoncé_Knowles_GMA_2011.jpg) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Brandi Glanville Gives Dating Advice

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Real Housewife and former model Brandi Glanville’s husband, Eddie Cibrian, left her to be with LeAnn Rimes, who looks like Gollum with a blonde wig. So I’m not sure she’s qualified to give advice on anything, except maybe how to be so insufferable that sex with LeAnn Rimes somehow seems palatable.

But that didn’t stop old Brandi from dishing it out anyways, via Twitter:

“2 drink max on 1st dates,NEVER wear cute chonies esp. If he is super HOT,dont talk about ex’s&be who u r not who u think he wants u2b ;),”

Thanks Brandi, if you had taken the time to actually spell out the words you might have enough for a book. And if you ever take Brandi out on a date, just remember that she’s wearing granny panties.

Image: Twitter_@brandiglanville