Monthly Archives: March 2013

Ashley Greene’s Dog Falls Victim to Candles

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Twilight star Ashley Greene is beside herself with grief after a fire in her condo claimed the life of one of her dogs. According to TMZ the fire was started by a unattended candle that lit the couch on fire. When will people learn? Candles Kill!

The powerful candle lobby and its wealthy supporters have us blinded by pleasant scents and ambience. But when these things get into the wrong hands ie. people without a basic knowledge of how fire works, it’s only a matter of time before disaster strikes. RIP little dog, and damn you Yankee Candle Company!!!!

Oh, and Ashley? Might I be able to interest you in some cats?

Miley Cyrus is a Mature Adult Prepared For the Commitment of Marriage

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Miley Cyrus engagement ring unicorn onesie

Give me a man who hasn’t dreamed about fucking a girl wearing a unicorn suit and I’ll give you a man living in his grandma’s basement sewing a dick cozy out of one of her cats. It’s perfectly normal.

And here’s Miley twerking in a unicorn suit and not at all acting like she’s on her way to a Britney Spears’ style meltdown.

Farrah Abraham Has the Luck O’ the Irish

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We all know unwed teen moms without jobs, an education or prospects make really good decisions.  So I was a little disappointed, hurt even, when I found out one of the stars of MTV’s Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham, was arrested for DUI Monday morning in Omaha after almost hitting a police car. But only  because she was having a totally awesome St. Patrick’s Day where she got super wasted and tweeted “HAVING THE BEST DAY EVER!! :)#Love #LIFE.”

Next you’re going to tell me these young ladies are doing drugs and neglecting/abusing their children! Or plucking a baby’s eyebrows in its sleep because they’re afraid the child’s appearance, rather than their own retarded actions, might reflect poorly on them. What’s this world coming to when the irresponsible teenagers we exalt and reward for their mistakes can’t follow the basic rules of civilization?

Devon James Issues a Warning: Stay in School

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Seizing upon a chance to be relevant and in the news for two seconds, porn star/craigslist escort, Devon ‘XXX’ James pulled her head out of an old man’s crotch to warn Lindsey Vonn that Tiger Woods will probably cheat on her, because I’m sure that thought hasn’t already crossed her mind.

“You know when the pics came out of Tiger and his new girlfriend — somewhere, 15 other girls were going, ‘Huh? I thought I was his girlfriend!’ ” James said yesterday.

And then, the woman whose only claim to fame is being the 16th hole in a depraved downward spiral of sex addiction couldn’t help but take a dig at an Olympic gold-medalist, telling TMZ “I thought he would have picked a woman who was more petite and not someone who is more muscular and has a bigger head than his.”

Loosely interpreted that means: “Yesterday, I licked the ball sweat off an Armenian construction worker for $300 while this bitch lounged around Tiger’s million dollar yacht.”

The best thing about Devon James is her Twitter profile where she proclaims: “I LUV PORN! & film in it too! People tend 2 judge me by what the media has said ( Re:Tiger Woods) however, ill give u the shirt off my back if u need it! ”

Because while she doesn’t like to be defined by the Tiger Woods cheating scandal, it is nonetheless, the only thing that defines her so she can’t help but mention it even though it was over three years ago.

Daily Discharge

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One Direction fans are going to stomp this puppy to death for coming between them and their unrealistic fantasies.  D Listed

Gwyneth Paltrow was too busy shiiting out chia seeds to double date with Faith Hill and Tim McGraw.  Lainey Gossip

Britney Spears‘ new approach to keeping a man is to look as dumpy and disheveled as possible. It worked for Grace Kelly. ICYDK

Lock up the medicine cabinet Lil Wayne is out of the ICU. IDLYITW

Did you guys know Courtney Stodden has boobs? WWTDD

 

 

Tiger Woods Leaves Lindsey Vonn in the Car, Hopefully Cracks the Window

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On the top is a picture of Lindsey Vonn, Tiger Woods’ latest attempt to appear like a normal, guy who likes committed, missionary sex with his white bread girlfriend, a solid five on a good day.

On the bottom is Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s ex-wife and a Swedish amazon, who also is a twin might I add.

Tiger and Lindsey are officially a couple now, so Tiger is trying to slowly integrate her into his children’s lives by leaving her sitting in the car for over an hour during his daughter’s soccer game, because Elin was sitting on the other side of the field. A move which is probably fortuitous for Lindsey, if I were her I wouldn’t let Elin stand within a quarter mile radius of me.

Image:Fame/Flynet

 

Lindsay Lohan is Still Loose

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I’ve been holding off on writing about Lindsay Lohan until her court date in the hopes that I could tell you that she’d been sentenced to death row, and that the streets are now safe from her drunk driving and second-hand smoke. Somehow, I misinterpreted my ‘Celebrity Sliding Scale of Justice,’ because Lindsay managed to take a last-minute rehab plea deal and completely avoid any jail time.

What was totally awesome about all this was Lindsay’s drug-fueled attempts to get back to LA from NYC in time for her court appearance. After missing her first flight, Lindsay got off her second flight because she believed something was wrong with the plane.

Aside from crashing cars, doing drugs and giving hand-jobs in alleys, Lindsay is also a freelance aerospace engineer and tinkers in mechanics. So when she says “get me off this plane, it’s gonna crash!” you can bet the plane is going to make an uneventful transcontinental flight and land safely in Los Angeles.

Fortunately, Lindsay occasionally blows Chinese billionaire, Poe Qui Ying Wangsuo, also known as Mr. Pink, after his line of energy drinks he pays Lindsay to promote. (FYI, if you’re going give guys blow jobs for favors/money it’s best to find a rich Asian guy, they shouldn’t even call that  a job.) Mr. Pink kindly lent Lindsay his private jet, so she could fly to LA and still show up late to court. Then, Lindsay once again made a complete mockery of our criminal justice system, kicked a baby on her way out of the courthouse, and spent the rest of the day drunkenly running over kittens and puppies. The End.

Image:Fame/Flynet