The justice system for celebrities is based on an inverse sliding scale; the bigger a star you are the less punishment you receive for your crimes. Now, there’s a few outside factors that have to be weighed in, such as amount of time since a successful movie, attractiveness and degree of ‘whiteness.’ For example, if you’re Liam Neeson you could probably sacrifice a non-white infant and feast on its soft, gooey flesh and get off with a couple hours of community service. If you’re Edward Furlong, you’re not going to be able to kill someone, but you can punch a woman a few times and consistently test positive for drugs, and then, if you absolutely refuse to go to rehab, you’ll get 6 months in your own jail cell. Where you’ll probably still eat better than the general population and have the guards look the other way while your drug of choice is smuggled in.
This is exactly what happened yesterday when Edward Furlong was sentenced to six months behind bars for violating his probation from a 2010 case. Furlong’s attorney Brian Michaels told E! News that Furlong could have resolved this case as well as two other pending cases against him by checking into rehab, but the actor refused and was handed down the jail sentence.
This could set a terrible precedent for Lindsay Lohan because she’s kind of in the same situation for violating probation and refusing any kind of plea deal that involves rehab.
So let’s figure this out, Edward Furlong was in Terminator 2, American History X and Pecker which are all pretty good movies and he got 6 months. Lindsay Lohan was in Mean Girls, Georgia Rule and Labor Pains, so add the 2, factor in the red hair and divide by 10, by these calculations she should be getting the chair.
Oh, and Ed? It’s just not going to work anymore. Don’t call me.