Radar Online is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has gained five pounds since entering the Betty Ford Clinic and being taken off Adderal. I know, like, totally disgusting right? How dare a person getting help for their very serious and potentially life-threatening problems gain an amount of weight that’s equivalent to the dump I take every morning. I’m sure if the judge had known this was going to happen he would have let her continue to slowly kill herself with drugs and alcohol, that’s far preferable than having another fat chick around.
Update 11:30am: Nevermind, instead she’s shopping at Fry’s electronics. I didn’t know they sold blow there.
Update: Lindsay has checked into Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach; Disregard that headline.
Because everyone knows rehab has become sooo commercialized and it’s really all about how you look and who you meet rather than dealing with the problems that have sent your life into a death spiral, here’s a photo Lindsay Lohan posted of herself on Instagram packing for her stint in rehab with the caption “90 days and 270 looks.” Which works out to three outfit changes a day, but who cares as long as you’re there to beat your demons. Except instead checking into the court-approved Seafield Center in New York this morning like she was supposed to, Lindsay hopped a private jet to LA where I presume that now that she’s packed everything she owns she’s off to North Korea to begin a torrid affair with Kim Jong Un. From TMZ:
Lindsay was freaked out because Seafield won’t allow her to smoke. We’re told she may be headed for Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, CA … which does allow smoking. Problem is prosecutors did NOT sign off on Morningside. What’s more we’ve learned NO ONE from Lindsay’s camp has contacted either the L.A. City Attorney or the Santa Monica City Attorney to get the change of plans approved. In short, by not entering Seafield Lindsay has violated her plea deal.
Lindsay’s lawyers are expected in court this morning to provide proof that Lindsay checked into the Seafield Center. I’m sure once they explain that Lindsay decided not to go to court-ordered treatment because she couldn’t smoke cigarettes, everyone will have a good laugh, then they’ll hand Lindsay the keys to the city, a bag of blow and a new car with an automatic rifle attached to the hood. That Lindsay, she’s just so darn charming!
Back in March, Lindsay Lohan agreed to a plea bargain that included rehab rather than go to jail, and despite having been to rehab several times in the past, Lindsay still hasn’t quite grasped the full meaning of the word.
According to TMZ, Lindsay refuses to go to a treatment facility unless she’s allowed to continue taking Adderal, a drug that contains amphetamines, to treat her ADHD, although several doctors have expressed their doubts about her suffering from the disorder.
So what Lindsay is saying is “I’ll go to your shitty rehab, but only if I can steal toilet paper, leave whenever I want to and continue to do drugs.”
I imagined Lindsay and Mark Heller laughing diabolically at this scheme, because they’re both stupid enough to think this will work.
Last Monday, Lindsay Lohan finally had her day in court, where she folded like one of her assistants, and quickly took a plea deal for lock-down rehab despite saying for weeks that she wouldn’t take a plea deal that involved rehab because, wait for it, Lindsay doesn’t have a substance abuse problem!
So Lindsay finally gave in to rehab, but really, it was all part of her and her lawyer Mark Heller’s genius, James-Bond-Villain-esque scheme to get Lindsay sentenced to a facility that doesn’t exist. From TMZ:
…There appear to be no non-jail rehab facilities that will keep patients in against their will — anywhere in the U.S.. Sources connected with the case tell TMZ … Lindsay’s lawyer, Mark Heller, represented to prosecutors he could get his client into a 90-day lockdown rehab center in NYC. As we reported, there are no private NY rehab centers that keep patients against their will, except for one connected with the prison system, and you have to have a felony record to get in — and Lindsay doesn’t. We also checked to see if Lindsay could complete her 90-day lockdown rehab in CA, but there isn’t a single non-jail lockdown rehab facility in the State.
Before Lindsay enters her non-existent rehab facility, she’ll be flying to Brazil where she’ll be paid six figures to do a promotional appearance for a clothing line. Which sounds fishy because why would anyone pay a drunken leprechaun to douse their clothes in vodka and then accidentally light them on fire with a cigarette?
This all seems like an even bigger ruse to get Lindsay out of the country before her sentence begins so she can live out the rest of her days in South American exile preforming donkey shows and smoking cigarettes with her vadge.
I’ve been holding off on writing about Lindsay Lohan until her court date in the hopes that I could tell you that she’d been sentenced to death row, and that the streets are now safe from her drunk driving and second-hand smoke. Somehow, I misinterpreted my ‘Celebrity Sliding Scale of Justice,’ because Lindsay managed to take a last-minute rehab plea deal and completely avoid any jail time.
What was totally awesome about all this was Lindsay’s drug-fueled attempts to get back to LA from NYC in time for her court appearance. After missing her first flight, Lindsay got off her second flight because she believed something was wrong with the plane.
Aside from crashing cars, doing drugs and giving hand-jobs in alleys, Lindsay is also a freelance aerospace engineer and tinkers in mechanics. So when she says “get me off this plane, it’s gonna crash!” you can bet the plane is going to make an uneventful transcontinental flight and land safely in Los Angeles.
Fortunately, Lindsay occasionally blows Chinese billionaire, Poe Qui Ying Wangsuo, also known as Mr. Pink, after his line of energy drinks he pays Lindsay to promote. (FYI, if you’re going give guys blow jobs for favors/money it’s best to find a rich Asian guy, they shouldn’t even call that a job.) Mr. Pink kindly lent Lindsay his private jet, so she could fly to LA and still show up late to court. Then, Lindsay once again made a complete mockery of our criminal justice system, kicked a baby on her way out of the courthouse, and spent the rest of the day drunkenly running over kittens and puppies. The End.