I’ve been holding off on writing about Lindsay Lohan until her court date in the hopes that I could tell you that she’d been sentenced to death row, and that the streets are now safe from her drunk driving and second-hand smoke. Somehow, I misinterpreted my ‘Celebrity Sliding Scale of Justice,’ because Lindsay managed to take a last-minute rehab plea deal and completely avoid any jail time.

What was totally awesome about all this was Lindsay’s drug-fueled attempts to get back to LA from NYC in time for her court appearance. After missing her first flight, Lindsay got off her second flight because she believed something was wrong with the plane.

Aside from crashing cars, doing drugs and giving hand-jobs in alleys, Lindsay is also a freelance aerospace engineer and tinkers in mechanics. So when she says “get me off this plane, it’s gonna crash!” you can bet the plane is going to make an uneventful transcontinental flight and land safely in Los Angeles.

Fortunately, Lindsay occasionally blows Chinese billionaire, Poe Qui Ying Wangsuo, also known as Mr. Pink, after his line of energy drinks he pays Lindsay to promote. (FYI, if you’re going give guys blow jobs for favors/money it’s best to find a rich Asian guy, they shouldn’t even call that  a job.) Mr. Pink kindly lent Lindsay his private jet, so she could fly to LA and still show up late to court. Then, Lindsay once again made a complete mockery of our criminal justice system, kicked a baby on her way out of the courthouse, and spent the rest of the day drunkenly running over kittens and puppies. The End.

Image:Fame/Flynet