Lindsay Will Only Go to Rehab if She Can Still Do Drugs


Back in March, Lindsay Lohan agreed to a plea bargain that included rehab rather than go to jail, and despite having been to rehab several times in the past, Lindsay still hasn’t quite grasped the full meaning of the word.

 According to TMZ, Lindsay refuses to go to a treatment facility unless she’s allowed to continue taking Adderal, a drug that contains amphetamines, to treat her ADHD, although several doctors have expressed their doubts about her suffering from the disorder.

So what Lindsay is saying is “I’ll go to your shitty rehab, but only if I can steal toilet paper, leave whenever I want to and continue to do drugs.” 

The Weekly “Lindsay Lohan is on the Fast Train to Living in a Dumpster” Report

I’ve been trying to keep the Lindsay Lohan posts to a weekly update, because the truth is, this lil’ leprechaun is so busy stealing gold and eating children, it’s hard to keep up!

Let’s start with the above picture of Lindsay sitting on the floor under a table in a Brazilian nightclub. Lindsay’s in Brazil, getting paid to promote a clothing line, but it’s unsure if it’s their clothes she’s smearing with spilled drinks and vomit, my guess is probably. Lindsay is under the table because she didn’t want to be photographed and if you’re trying not to be seen, the best thing to do is go to a crowded nightclub and crouch under a flat surface that’s open all sides. She’s a modern-day Houdini!

Before jet-setting off to Brazil, Lindsay did a guest appearance on Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management, burning another bridge with the one person high enough to still hire her by stealing from the show’s wardrobe. From TMZ:

Lindsay acknowledges, she walked off with 2 bracelets, a necklace, sunglasses, a pair of shoes, gold earrings, a silk bathrobe, lingerie and tap shorts.  She claims the wardrobe person was well aware she had the goods and claims the wardrobe lady specifically said it was A-OK and the cost would be deducted from her salary. Lindsay’s also telling friends, she’s NOT going to return the stuff, because as far as she’s concerned she paid for it.

That sounds fair enough, but this is Lindsay we’re talking about, so of course that’s not what really happened.

Sources from the show tell TMZ … Lindsay walked off with the bracelets, the necklace, earrings and shoes BEFORE there was any discussion about leaving with the stuff.  We’re told the wardrobe person told producers she was not going to become a cop and block Lindsay from leaving the set with her stuff, so she told her the value of “all missing items” would be deducted from her paycheck… Multiple sources on the set tell TMZ Lindsay was “the biggest prima donna ever on ‘Anger Management.'”   We’re told she showed up 2 hours late the second day, refused to come out of her trailer for 2 hours, left early to go clubbing and threatened not to return. Sources say the crew broke out in applause when she left, calling her a “nightmare.”

At this point I’m beginning to think Lindsay may be the greatest actress on Earth, and this is a  big social experiment meant to be a scathing indictment of our obsession with celebrity and our values as society as a whole, as we all stand aside and watch a once promising young person self-implode before our eyes, and then I realize, no, she’s really that stupid.

Lindsay Has Outsmarted Us All


I imagined Lindsay and Mark Heller laughing diabolically at this scheme, because they’re both stupid enough to think this will work.

Last Monday, Lindsay Lohan finally had her day in court, where she folded like one of her assistants, and quickly took a plea deal for lock-down rehab despite saying for weeks that she wouldn’t take a plea deal that involved rehab because, wait for it, Lindsay doesn’t have a substance abuse problem!

So Lindsay finally gave in to rehab, but really, it was all part of her and her lawyer Mark Heller’s genius, James-Bond-Villain-esque scheme to get Lindsay sentenced to a facility that doesn’t exist. From TMZ:

…There appear to be no non-jail rehab facilities that will keep patients in against their will — anywhere in the U.S.. Sources connected with the case tell TMZ … Lindsay’s lawyer, Mark Heller, represented to prosecutors he could get his client into a 90-day lockdown rehab center in NYC. As we reported, there are no private NY rehab centers that keep patients against their will, except for one connected with the prison system, and you have to have a felony record to get in — and Lindsay doesn’t. We also checked to see if Lindsay could complete her 90-day lockdown rehab in CA, but there isn’t a single non-jail lockdown rehab facility in the State. 

Before Lindsay enters her non-existent rehab facility, she’ll be flying to Brazil where she’ll be paid six figures to do a promotional appearance for a clothing line. Which sounds fishy because why would anyone pay a drunken leprechaun to douse their clothes in vodka and then accidentally light them on fire with a cigarette?

This all seems like an even bigger ruse to get Lindsay out of the country before her sentence begins so she can live out the rest of her days in South American exile preforming donkey shows and smoking cigarettes with her vadge.


Lindsay Lohan is Still Loose


I’ve been holding off on writing about Lindsay Lohan until her court date in the hopes that I could tell you that she’d been sentenced to death row, and that the streets are now safe from her drunk driving and second-hand smoke. Somehow, I misinterpreted my ‘Celebrity Sliding Scale of Justice,’ because Lindsay managed to take a last-minute rehab plea deal and completely avoid any jail time.

What was totally awesome about all this was Lindsay’s drug-fueled attempts to get back to LA from NYC in time for her court appearance. After missing her first flight, Lindsay got off her second flight because she believed something was wrong with the plane.

Aside from crashing cars, doing drugs and giving hand-jobs in alleys, Lindsay is also a freelance aerospace engineer and tinkers in mechanics. So when she says “get me off this plane, it’s gonna crash!” you can bet the plane is going to make an uneventful transcontinental flight and land safely in Los Angeles.

Fortunately, Lindsay occasionally blows Chinese billionaire, Poe Qui Ying Wangsuo, also known as Mr. Pink, after his line of energy drinks he pays Lindsay to promote. (FYI, if you’re going give guys blow jobs for favors/money it’s best to find a rich Asian guy, they shouldn’t even call that  a job.) Mr. Pink kindly lent Lindsay his private jet, so she could fly to LA and still show up late to court. Then, Lindsay once again made a complete mockery of our criminal justice system, kicked a baby on her way out of the courthouse, and spent the rest of the day drunkenly running over kittens and puppies. The End.


Lindsay Lohan Returns Half the Dress She Borrowed


These never get old. Lindsay Lohan is taking heat again for mangling a $1,700 dress that she borrowed to attend an amFAR event in NYC. I’m sure Lindsay’s train of thought behind cutting the bottom off a floor-length gown to make it into a mini-skirt was “How’s anybody supposed to see my crotch in this thing?” From US Weekly:

Lindsay Lohan wore a gorgeous, beaded, floor-sweeping gown by Theia to an amFAR event on Feb. 6 in NYC, but by the time she returned it, the dress was half its original length.
“She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] — she couldn’t possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress,” a source tells Us Weekly. “But what bouncer has scissors?”
“She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! ” the source continues. “She’s out of control and behaving really badly.”

This source is being pretty kind. Only a ‘fashiony’ person would do that? ‘Fashiony’ isn’t a real world so I’m going to go ahead and make up a definition.

Fashiony (noun)

1.    An entitled cunt who squanders every opportunity and gesture of kindness from others by essentially ruining everything that touches her freckled, nicotine-stained hands.


Lindsay Lohan Forgot She Owes A Lot of Money

ImageIt’s a well-documented fact that women are terrible with money. That’s why we always lose at Monopoly and why my numerous attempts to gain financial independence through cats have failed; those damn things just aren’t profitable no matter how you work the numbers!

So it should come as no surprise that Lindsay Lohan had no idea she owes a couple hundred thousand dollars to her former attorney, Shawn Holley. Not only is Lindsay a woman, she’s fucking stupid too! From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is telling friends she was clueless until a few days ago that she owed Shawn Holley a small fortune in attorney’s fees, but we’re told now that she knows she’s putting Shawn at the top of her creditor’s list.It’s hard to swallow … that Lindsay didn’t know how much she owed Shawn. We’ve been reporting for weeks it’s in the 6 figures. Sources quite familiar with the situation tell TMZ, Lindsay owes Shawn $150,000.It’s interesting … although Lindsay fired Shawn … our sources tell us she’s been making a full-court press for more than a week to get her back, but Shawn isn’t having it.

We’re told Lindsay has instructed her business manager to pay the tab ASAP. Lindsay is making money from appearances, endorsements and some acting gigs, but she’s been spending like an insane woman — first class plane tickets, expensive hotels, restaurants, clothes, etc. Lindsay says she’ll cut back so Shawn gets paid.

So Lindsay forgetting to pay Shawn was just an oversight. LOL, Lindsay’s so crazy like that.  I bet her and Shawn are gonna have a good belly-laugh over that one. Especially when Lindsay tells her she spent all the money on cocaine and lip injections.

Shawn will just roll her eyes and say “Girl please, one time I dropped 50k on a weave and some nail polish.”

Image: Fame/Flynet

Lindsay Overcame Illness to Attend Court, Gets a Trial Date

Lifetime's 'Liz & Dick' Los Angeles PremiereIt’s been another wild 24 hours in the wacky, fun-filled mess of a life that is Lindsay Lohan, leading up to her court appearance this morning. A court appearance Lindsay tried to get out of by having her new lawyer, Mark Heller send a note to the court saying she was too ill to fly from New York to LA, just like in high school.

Then a bunch of pictures were posted on TMZ of Lindsay walking around SoHo smoking cigarettes which kind of blew a hole in that story.

Then Lindsay and Dina did a few lines, and started to get paranoid wondering if maybe she should show up to court, so she called some ‘friends’ (i.e. her dealer, drug dealers have a pretty good understanding of the criminal justice system) who advised her to return to LA for the hearing. So Lindsay and Dina got a last minute flight landing at LAX at 12:30 am and then got turned away from Shutters hotel because she trashed a room back in 2007. So I’m guessing they slept in a dumpster in an alley in Venice Beach.

Fast forward to this morning, Lindsay makes it to court on time where the judge, Stephanie Saunter, told Lindsay she was glad she was feeling better and set a trial date for her lying-to-cops case for March 18, with a pretrial hearing on March 1. Saunter then announced she would be retiring March 1. Wait, WHAT?!!

Does Lindsay Lohan have ties with the mob or something? Isn’t it a little convenient the  hard-ass judge who was supposed to set Lindsay straight is retiring the day the trial is supposed to begin? Who the fuck is Dina Lohan blowing?

The only way I’m going to be okay with this is if they replace Saunter with Judge Dredd and he executes Lindsay and Dina on the spot.