Lindsay Lohan’s Rehab is Disgusting

Lifetime's 'Liz & Dick' Los Angeles Premiere

Radar Online is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has gained five pounds since entering the Betty Ford Clinic and being taken off Adderal. I know, like, totally disgusting right? How dare a person getting help for their very serious and potentially life-threatening problems gain an amount of weight that’s equivalent to the dump I take every morning. I’m sure if the judge had known this was going to happen he would have let her continue to slowly kill herself with drugs and alcohol, that’s far preferable than having another fat chick around.


Dear God.

As if Lindsay Lohan needed to give everyone a reason to talk about her, she tweeted early this morning that she’s pregnant.

Of course, everyone’s assuming this is an April Fool’s Joke because we all just assumed her uterus is a caustic, uninhabitable wasteland. If she even still has one. It might have slipped out on to the floor and escaped one night while she was sitting under a table in a club with her legs open. Those little critters will do that if you don’t treat them right!

But Lindsay sent the tweet one hour after April 1st, so maybe she’s telling the truth. For someone who can’t even remember to not steal things for 10 hours, I imagine it’s pretty difficult to stay up on birth control. Plus, you have to be conscious when you’re having sex with strangers to tell them to pull out. I know, it’s hard.

If my estimations are correct this baby will be one-sixth Lindsay, and one-sixth of every member of The Wanted.


Lindsay Will Only Go to Rehab if She Can Still Do Drugs


Back in March, Lindsay Lohan agreed to a plea bargain that included rehab rather than go to jail, and despite having been to rehab several times in the past, Lindsay still hasn’t quite grasped the full meaning of the word.

 According to TMZ, Lindsay refuses to go to a treatment facility unless she’s allowed to continue taking Adderal, a drug that contains amphetamines, to treat her ADHD, although several doctors have expressed their doubts about her suffering from the disorder.

So what Lindsay is saying is “I’ll go to your shitty rehab, but only if I can steal toilet paper, leave whenever I want to and continue to do drugs.” 

The Weekly “Lindsay Lohan is on the Fast Train to Living in a Dumpster” Report

I’ve been trying to keep the Lindsay Lohan posts to a weekly update, because the truth is, this lil’ leprechaun is so busy stealing gold and eating children, it’s hard to keep up!

Let’s start with the above picture of Lindsay sitting on the floor under a table in a Brazilian nightclub. Lindsay’s in Brazil, getting paid to promote a clothing line, but it’s unsure if it’s their clothes she’s smearing with spilled drinks and vomit, my guess is probably. Lindsay is under the table because she didn’t want to be photographed and if you’re trying not to be seen, the best thing to do is go to a crowded nightclub and crouch under a flat surface that’s open all sides. She’s a modern-day Houdini!

Before jet-setting off to Brazil, Lindsay did a guest appearance on Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management, burning another bridge with the one person high enough to still hire her by stealing from the show’s wardrobe. From TMZ:

Lindsay acknowledges, she walked off with 2 bracelets, a necklace, sunglasses, a pair of shoes, gold earrings, a silk bathrobe, lingerie and tap shorts.  She claims the wardrobe person was well aware she had the goods and claims the wardrobe lady specifically said it was A-OK and the cost would be deducted from her salary. Lindsay’s also telling friends, she’s NOT going to return the stuff, because as far as she’s concerned she paid for it.

That sounds fair enough, but this is Lindsay we’re talking about, so of course that’s not what really happened.

Sources from the show tell TMZ … Lindsay walked off with the bracelets, the necklace, earrings and shoes BEFORE there was any discussion about leaving with the stuff.  We’re told the wardrobe person told producers she was not going to become a cop and block Lindsay from leaving the set with her stuff, so she told her the value of “all missing items” would be deducted from her paycheck… Multiple sources on the set tell TMZ Lindsay was “the biggest prima donna ever on ‘Anger Management.'”   We’re told she showed up 2 hours late the second day, refused to come out of her trailer for 2 hours, left early to go clubbing and threatened not to return. Sources say the crew broke out in applause when she left, calling her a “nightmare.”

At this point I’m beginning to think Lindsay may be the greatest actress on Earth, and this is a  big social experiment meant to be a scathing indictment of our obsession with celebrity and our values as society as a whole, as we all stand aside and watch a once promising young person self-implode before our eyes, and then I realize, no, she’s really that stupid.

Lindsay Has Outsmarted Us All


I imagined Lindsay and Mark Heller laughing diabolically at this scheme, because they’re both stupid enough to think this will work.

Last Monday, Lindsay Lohan finally had her day in court, where she folded like one of her assistants, and quickly took a plea deal for lock-down rehab despite saying for weeks that she wouldn’t take a plea deal that involved rehab because, wait for it, Lindsay doesn’t have a substance abuse problem!

So Lindsay finally gave in to rehab, but really, it was all part of her and her lawyer Mark Heller’s genius, James-Bond-Villain-esque scheme to get Lindsay sentenced to a facility that doesn’t exist. From TMZ:

…There appear to be no non-jail rehab facilities that will keep patients in against their will — anywhere in the U.S.. Sources connected with the case tell TMZ … Lindsay’s lawyer, Mark Heller, represented to prosecutors he could get his client into a 90-day lockdown rehab center in NYC. As we reported, there are no private NY rehab centers that keep patients against their will, except for one connected with the prison system, and you have to have a felony record to get in — and Lindsay doesn’t. We also checked to see if Lindsay could complete her 90-day lockdown rehab in CA, but there isn’t a single non-jail lockdown rehab facility in the State. 

Before Lindsay enters her non-existent rehab facility, she’ll be flying to Brazil where she’ll be paid six figures to do a promotional appearance for a clothing line. Which sounds fishy because why would anyone pay a drunken leprechaun to douse their clothes in vodka and then accidentally light them on fire with a cigarette?

This all seems like an even bigger ruse to get Lindsay out of the country before her sentence begins so she can live out the rest of her days in South American exile preforming donkey shows and smoking cigarettes with her vadge.


Lindsay Lohan is Still Loose


I’ve been holding off on writing about Lindsay Lohan until her court date in the hopes that I could tell you that she’d been sentenced to death row, and that the streets are now safe from her drunk driving and second-hand smoke. Somehow, I misinterpreted my ‘Celebrity Sliding Scale of Justice,’ because Lindsay managed to take a last-minute rehab plea deal and completely avoid any jail time.

What was totally awesome about all this was Lindsay’s drug-fueled attempts to get back to LA from NYC in time for her court appearance. After missing her first flight, Lindsay got off her second flight because she believed something was wrong with the plane.

Aside from crashing cars, doing drugs and giving hand-jobs in alleys, Lindsay is also a freelance aerospace engineer and tinkers in mechanics. So when she says “get me off this plane, it’s gonna crash!” you can bet the plane is going to make an uneventful transcontinental flight and land safely in Los Angeles.

Fortunately, Lindsay occasionally blows Chinese billionaire, Poe Qui Ying Wangsuo, also known as Mr. Pink, after his line of energy drinks he pays Lindsay to promote. (FYI, if you’re going give guys blow jobs for favors/money it’s best to find a rich Asian guy, they shouldn’t even call that  a job.) Mr. Pink kindly lent Lindsay his private jet, so she could fly to LA and still show up late to court. Then, Lindsay once again made a complete mockery of our criminal justice system, kicked a baby on her way out of the courthouse, and spent the rest of the day drunkenly running over kittens and puppies. The End.


Lindsay Lohan Returns Half the Dress She Borrowed


These never get old. Lindsay Lohan is taking heat again for mangling a $1,700 dress that she borrowed to attend an amFAR event in NYC. I’m sure Lindsay’s train of thought behind cutting the bottom off a floor-length gown to make it into a mini-skirt was “How’s anybody supposed to see my crotch in this thing?” From US Weekly:

Lindsay Lohan wore a gorgeous, beaded, floor-sweeping gown by Theia to an amFAR event on Feb. 6 in NYC, but by the time she returned it, the dress was half its original length.
“She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] — she couldn’t possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress,” a source tells Us Weekly. “But what bouncer has scissors?”
“She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! ” the source continues. “She’s out of control and behaving really badly.”

This source is being pretty kind. Only a ‘fashiony’ person would do that? ‘Fashiony’ isn’t a real world so I’m going to go ahead and make up a definition.

Fashiony (noun)

1.    An entitled cunt who squanders every opportunity and gesture of kindness from others by essentially ruining everything that touches her freckled, nicotine-stained hands.