Kim Kardashian Needs Help Getting Dressed


Because there’s no such thing as a person you can pay to help ‘style’ you, (Note to self: this is a GREAT idea, you could call it a ‘stylist.’) Kim Kardashian has taken to her mommy blog to seek advice from the people who are actually stupid enough to hang on every word she says.

Kim writes:

“For me, I’ve found that I’ve gained inches and I’ve gotten wider but my belly hasn’t popped yet, so I struggle finding things that don’t make me look heavy… Does anyone know any good dressing tips for pregnancy?”

Let’s see, some good dressing tips. Oh! How about one of those nice gowns they give you at Planned Parenthood? That would look great!

Kimye’s Baby Will Wear Skirts, Doesn’t Necessarily Mean It’s a Girl


A ‘source’ that totally isn’t Kim Kardashian tells US Weekly that Kim Kardashian is expecting a baby girl this July, because Kim  suddenly has reservations about whoring out the unborn. Instead,  Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner revealed the baby’s sex and once she cashes the check she got for the story she’ll give Kim her cut.


Daily Discharge


Kim Kardashian wants you to remember the good times, when she still looked like this. The Superficial

Ke$ha drinking her own urine is only the second most digustng thing she’s ever done, right after looking like this. WWTDD 

Girls who like Girls don’t like Kate Upton, go figure. IDLYITW 

Hey, just because a man is missing both his legs doesn’t mean he can’t do what everyone else can do, like murder their girlfriends. ICYDK

Lady Gaga has canceled the remaining shows on her Born This Way tour due to a “labral tear of the right hip” and if you thought she tore her labia when you read that, you’re not the only one. D Listed


Kim Kardashian:Fashion Victim


Kim Kardashian did a fashion spread for the March issue of  Elle magazine, and if Kim Kardashian doesn’t conjure up images of high fashion for you it’s because squat, troll-like women have no place in the fashion world. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. Stylist Nicola Formichetti claimed no designers would lend Kim clothes to use for the shoot in what he called ‘fashion snobbery.’

I wouldn’t exactly call that snobbery, I would call that ‘Not wanting to get your expensive clothes back smelling like a New England clam bake.’  Not to mention Kim has the body shape of a Clydesdale, so good luck finding those Gucci pants with a ‘generous helping of fabric’ around the ass so that Kim can spend thirty minutes getting into them and then demand that she only be photographed facing dead front.

Besides I’m pretty sure Kim has a line of clothing. It’s called the Kardashian Kollection. And it’s sold exclusively at Sears, where the three money-hungry ilk and their ogre manager have managed to create a clothing line that  looks cheaper and trashier than Miley Cyrus’ collection for Walmart while charging 5 times as much. Don’t forget to check out their kollection of soap dishes and shower curtains too!

Fun fact: A few weeks ago at the thrift store I found a Kardashian Kollection red, nylon jumpsuit with the original price tag still attached. Bitches wanted $80! It looked cheaper than the last minute Halloween costumes you get at Rite Aid!

Goodwill was asking $5.99 and there were still no takers.

Kim K. Wants to be Beyonce’s Friend


Beyonce and Jay-Z are very private people, so it’s been speculated that even though they’re good friends with Kanye West, they don’t care too much for Kim Kardashian, because she would  televise her colonoscopy if she thought it would bring good ratings.

So you know Kim’s doing her best to not come off as the walking endorsment deal that she is and kiss Beyonce’s ass at the same time. Back in June, Kim gave Beyonce’s baby, Blue Ivy, a $5,000 diamond bracelet engraved “Love, Auntie Kim,” to which Beyonce said, “Throw it in the pile with the others.” And yesterday Kim tweeted this during the Superbowl half-time show:

“I heard there was this little football game at the Beyonce concert today…. Is that true? #BeyonceBowl,” and “OMG Beyonce killed it!!! And when Destiny’s Child came out…that made my life! #Bootylicious.

Kim was probably choking down black bile as she wrote that and sent it out into the Twitterverse, especially the “bootylicious” part. I bet Kris was standing over her shoulder hissing, “Do it, do it, they have good connections.”

If Kim manages to crawl her way any further up Beyonce’s ass she’s going to turn into a polyp. And I believe that’s two references to colon health in one post.

Kim Kardashian Has Forgotten Her Roots

Pregnant Kim Kardashian Arriving On A Flight At LAX

Remember this six months from now when Kim sells the first pictures of her baby to People for $10 million, because a source from the New York Daily News claims that Kim will not be selling  her baby pictures. Via Hollywood Life:

“Kim isn’t going to sell the pics. She’s not interested in doing that at all,” the source told the newspaper.

Ever since dating Kanye — who is super private like his pals Beyonce and Jay-Z — Kim has changed her priorities.

“Kris is the one who wants to make money, but Kanye has changed Kim so much. He’s not interested in doing any of that. He did one episode of her show and he’s not coming back on,” the source added. ”He’s not ever shown on Kourtney & Kim Take Miami. It’s just not good for his image and he’s way more private than Kim.”

The source added that Kim will probably release photos of her and Kanye’s baby on her own terms.

“She will tweet out the baby pic or do something like that,” the source said.

What Kim seems to have forgotten is that Kanye, Beyonce and Jay-Z are all talented to some degree. Well maybe not so much Kanye. But Kim, Kim isn’t really good at anything, unless getting slapped in the face with an enormous black dick while staring into a camera constitutes talent now. No? I didn’t think so.

In fact the only thing Kim and the rest of her vacuous, money hungry family is good at is exposing their mind-numbingly vapid day-to-day lives via every media outlet possible. These people sell their used underwear on e-bay, I wouldn’t be surprised if they started selling their toenail clippings, and we all know god-damn well that if Kris Jenner could score a deal with Kotex, every last one of them would be Instagramming their used tampons.

So when Kim says she values privacy now and won’t be selling her pictures, what she really meant to say was, “I haven’t heard my name mentioned in the last 24 hours, so let me say something completely implausible and stupid so you can talk about me some more.”

And it worked! God Damn You Kim, It Worked!!!!


Kim Kardashian Is Already Giving Up


It’s looking like the last two trimesters of Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy are not going to be easy. First, she can’t get Botox anymore, so I’m guessing her face is probably going to fall off, and second she’s  faced with the herculean task of finding pieces of cloth big enough to cover her all-encompassing ass as the child from The Omen continues to grow inside her putrid womb.

Even though she still has another six months to go, Kim’s pretty much given up trying to be fashionable and has decided to go for comfort instead. She was photographed Saturday (above) wearing Kanye’s clothes and looking a disheveled wreck, then she was spotted wearing this dumpy mess, and then this monstrosity on Live With Kelly and Michael.

No one wants to see the side boob of a pregnant woman, Kim. And you’re never going to score those maternity endorsements looking like you pulled a Scarlett O’Hara and turned your curtains into a dress. Get it together, one pair of Khloe’s underwear should yield enough cloth for a nice frumpy-looking skirt, just be sure to cut out the crotch.