Khloe Made a Sex Tape. Of Course She Did.

 

kraken&khloe

In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered  what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.

“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use,  I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”

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Khloe Kardashian Pie-Gate is a Thing

Khloe captioned the original post, "I am sooooo proud of myself lol can I say that??? I filmed on a tripod, in my kitchen a lot of me baking and prepping for today so I will have that up on my app soon!!! I love testing myself and seeing what I can accomplish and actually make successfully! Now let's pray it tastes as great as they look! This monkey bread is going to be so f---ing bomb."

If you ever wanted to know how the Kardashian family has managed to infiltrate every dark, sweaty, lint-filled crevice of the media, look no further than TMZ, and their ground-breaking reporting on  Khloe Kardashian posting pictures of  pies on her Instagram that she claims to have baked,  but closely resembled pies from a popular L.A. bakery. And yes, I am well aware of the irony that while I’m complaining about something so mundane being news, I am nontheless going to waste my time and yours bitching about it being news in the first place. What can I say. it’s trickle down economics.

Note: I know nothing about economics.

So in order to draw attention away from what the history books will describe as ‘pie-gate,’ Khloe went ahead and flashed what may be her labia. Or it may be a a honey-baked ham, it is the holidays. If you’re dying to turn your head ninety degrees, while furrowing your brow and mumbling ‘what the fuck,’ then you can see the picture here. I for one have small children in the house, and when CPS finally comes to investigate, I don’t plan on having pictures like that stored on my computer. Not that there’s any connection between Khloe Kardashian and gross negligence, but it might reflect poorly on my character.

Image: Khloe Kardashian Instagram

Khloe Kardashian Nixed From X-Factor; Rampages Set and is Taken Down With Tranquilizers

kraken&khloe

Okay, I made that last part of the headline up, but it’s saying a lot about you’re on-screen persona when Mario Lopez is deemed more likable than you. And so Khloe Kardashian’s nights of terrifying children as co-host of the X-Factor will be drawing to a close. From the NY Post:

The X Factor” won’t be keeping up with Khloe Kardashian anymore.

The towering reality star has not been asked to return as co-host of the high-profile Fox singing competition, sources tell The Post.

“They are asking Mario [Lopez] to come back, but not Khloe,” an insider confirms.

Kardashian, 28, came to the show with no television hosting experience and often appeared nervous and unprepared on camera.

The Huffington Post went so far as to suggest that the “awkward” pair were secretly being paid off by rival singing show “The Voice.”

“I am sure there was a big percentage of Khloe’s fans who followed her to ‘X Factor.’” said LA hosting expert Marki Costello, who has provided on-camera coaching for “Voice” judge Cee Lo Green among others.

“But at the end of the day, when she doesn’t know what she is doing, are you helping your show or hurting it?

“It was really hard for me to watch Mario with her,” she said. “It made me, as a viewer, almost uncomfortable.”

I’m sure what was really making everyone uncomfortable was how Khloe kept telling every contestant that she could “smell their blood”  and demanding the show’s rejects be taken to her dressing room so she could club them and boil their bones.