Tag Archives: celebrity news

I’m Never Having Sex With Brendan Fraser Again

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File:Brendan Fraser by David Shankbone.jpg

I’ve always had an ‘open door’ policy with Brendan Fraser, as in, anytime he wanted to come over and have sex, he was welcome to, despite the fact that he’s well on his way to looking like Tom Arnold. What can I say, the guttural grunts of Encino Man really got me going. But like all women, I’m a greedy, gold-digging succubus.  So when TMZ reported that not only does Brendan pay $50,000 a month in alimony, he also spends $87,320 more than he makes each month, I had to rescind my offer. Besides, I don’t like the idea of other bitches getting my man’s money.

Do you hear me Brendan? You should have taken me up when you had the chance!

Image:By David Shankbone (David Shankbone) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0

Kim Kardashian Needs Help Getting Dressed

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Because there’s no such thing as a person you can pay to help ‘style’ you, (Note to self: this is a GREAT idea, you could call it a ‘stylist.’) Kim Kardashian has taken to her mommy blog to seek advice from the people who are actually stupid enough to hang on every word she says.

Kim writes:

“For me, I’ve found that I’ve gained inches and I’ve gotten wider but my belly hasn’t popped yet, so I struggle finding things that don’t make me look heavy… Does anyone know any good dressing tips for pregnancy?”

Let’s see, some good dressing tips. Oh! How about one of those nice gowns they give you at Planned Parenthood? That would look great!

Heidi Klum is the New Judge on AGT, Because Boobs

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Heidi Klum has just signed on to be the fourth judge on NBC’S America’s Got Talent, joining  Howie Mandel, Howard Stern and new-comer Mel B, AKA “Scary Spice.” So pretty much three people no one wants to hear on the radio let alone see on TV, and Heidi.

With ruthless German efficiency Heidi will remind the contestants that their talent doesn’t matter anyway because they’re not bronzed, physically flawless supermodels with huge jugs. Excuse me while I go run a hose from my car’s exhaust into the window.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Meet Taylor Swift’s Latest Bridge Partner

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E! News is reporting that Taylor Swift spent the night before the 2013  Brit Awards with this guy, British singer/songwriter, Ed Sheeran. Taylor’s hoping if she dates someone just ugly enough, he’ll realize how lucky he is to be in an asexual relationship with impish, scrunch-faced baby and eventually propose. So she went to Shire, picked up this unfortunate-looking fellow, and promptly brought him to her hotel room for a rousing evening of canasta.

A witness tells E! News that the night before the 2013 Brit Awards (where Taylor performed in a wedding dress and then stripped down to a skintight black ensemble) Ed arrived at Taylor’s hotel and went straight to her room. From there, the twosome “stayed in the room, just the two of them, until around 4 a.m.,” according to a source.

When Ed left the hotel, he got into the car that Taylor had used earlier in the day and was driven away.

Another source tells E! News that Taylor and Ed “briefly dated last spring. He thinks she is really cute and they have a great chemistry together.” 

If it were any other couple staying in a hotel room together until four in the morning, I’d say they were snorting lines off each other’s taints and fucking like monkeys. But this is Taylor Swift and a ugly ginger, so she probably did what I do when I like a guy’s personality but can’t stand the way he looks-let him dry hump me while I pretend to sleep.

J-Law Fell at the Academy Awards, But it’s Okay

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The only thing that could have made me feel better after watching Anne Hathaway get her stupid Oscar that she’s been bitching about for months would have been if she tripped and fell off the stage, impaling herself on the coveted statue. Now that’s irony!

Instead Jennifer Lawrence tripped while accepting her award for Best Actress, but it was okay because if anyone could pull off falling at the Academy Awards it’s Jennifer Lawrence, she’s just that charming.

Kimye’s Baby Will Wear Skirts, Doesn’t Necessarily Mean It’s a Girl

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A ‘source’ that totally isn’t Kim Kardashian tells US Weekly that Kim Kardashian is expecting a baby girl this July, because Kim  suddenly has reservations about whoring out the unborn. Instead,  Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner revealed the baby’s sex and once she cashes the check she got for the story she’ll give Kim her cut.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Megan Fox & Michael Bay Reunite to Create a Half Shell of a Movie

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A few years ago Megan Fox compared director Michael Bay to Hitler and called him a “nightmare to work for,” after he gave her a big acting break in the Transformers. Michael Bay also famously made Megan audition for that movie by washing his car in a bikini. Then Megan had a baby and said she didn’t want to show off her body anymore, and everyone thought that was the end of her acting career. Aaannndd it didn’t take long for those highfalutin notions of modesty to get scraped.

Bay announced on his website last night that Megan has joined the cast of his upcoming art-house film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where Megan will take on the challenging and emotionally tolling role of April O’Neil, the human friend of the sewer-dwelling reptiles. Because a film of this caliber is usually about the cinematography and the direction, I’m sure Megan won’t be showing much skin.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Sources say Fox and Bay reconciled over a series of recent meetings and that one tete-a-tete that won her over was with director Jonathan Liebesman, who wowed her with the storyboards, according to insiders.

I love the idea that Megan Fox was ‘wowed’ by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles storyboard. This bitch believes in goblins and leprechauns, so I don’t think they’re exaggerating, she probably really was blown away when she saw it. She probably thinks there are actual mutated turtles highly trained in the martial arts by a rat sensei living in the sewers of New York, and that’s why it will be the city God smites first when the rapture comes.

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons