Nicole Sherzinger Thinks She Wasted Her Talent By Not Slutting Around

 

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Reflecting on her career choices in a new interview with The Independent, Nicole Sherzinger bemoans a life wasted dressing too conservatively and not sleeping her way to the top.

 

 If only Nicole had flashed her vadge more, been more generous with her blowjobs or accepted Clive Davis’ offer for that threesome with a Thai transsexual, she might have been an Oscar nominee or a Nobel laureate!  Instead she’s a judge on a reality talent show no one watches. I understand Nicole’s position, if I have but one regret in this life, it’s that I didn’t live up to my full slut potential. Oh, the dreams I dreamed!

 

Heed her words, women of the world, for we can learn from this wise one’s mistakes.

 

“To be honest with you, I sometimes wish I were more slutty. I’d probably be a lot more successful if I were… This is such a tough industry, you know. To make it, you really have to sell your soul to the devil… That’s probably why I haven’t quite reached the top of my mountain. I mean, where’s my Tony Award, my Grammy, my Oscar? Why don’t I have any of those things yet?”

 

“I may not be particularly talented or  intelligent, but I can dress up like a whore as good as the rest of ‘em.” She added. “Now give me my Grammy! Gimme,gimme gimme!”

Image:Fame/Flynet

 

 

 

 

Gerard Butler Clarifies Who Brandi Glanville is: An Easy Fuck

The closest that Brandi Glanville ever came to an actual celebrity was the time she banged Gerard Butler and he had no idea who she was, as evidenced when he asked a paparazzo after the tryst, “who’s Brandi Glanville?” In his defense, when you fuck a stranger in the bathroom at a party, the last thing you’re concerned about exchanging is names. Trust me.

But Gerard Butler is a consummate gentleman, or at least I assume he is with that accent, it’s just so charming! So, he explained to Howard Stern that he wasn’t trying to diss Brandi when he asked who she was, he really didn’t know.

See, Gerard thought he was having anonymous sex with an unfamous person; sex with another famous person (and I’m using that term loosely) would be ‘nonymous,’ and therefore, not as fun.

I think Gerard was also a little put off that Brandi told anyone at all, because you’re supposed to keep that kind of thing hidden inside your closet of shame, along with that time you bought a new vagina with your husband’s credit card after he left you for a skeletonized harpy in a blonde wig.

Justin Bieber Cancels Concert, Proves We’re All Fucking Stupid

Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

I can’t think of a more telling sign that America is losing its dominance in the world than the fact that the Portugese have managed to run Justin Bieber out of their country while we continue to let him run wild though our streets with no shirt on and his pants down.

According to TMZ, Le Beaver has canceled his upcoming concert in Portugal due to low ticket sales while all his North American tour shows were completely sold out, which seems to indicate that a country whose only notable contribution to the world was maybe helping ‘discover’ a continent already inhabited by several million people has surpassed us in both intelligence and self-respect.

Amanda Bynes is Still Here You Guys, Try Not to Make Eye Contact

Amanda Bynes tweeted this picture of herself over the weekend to remind everyone that with the right filter, a shit load of make-up and a compact covering half her face she can still pass for attractive, while also proving that she and Lindsay Lohan get their wigs from the same discount supplier. 

Holly Madison Names Her Baby, Probably Shouldn’t Have

33-year-old Holly Madison, AKA one of the girls who sacrificed her youth blowing Hugh Hefner’s flaccid peen in exchange for fifteen minutes of fame, gave birth to a baby girl last week and bestowed upon her the name Rainbow Aurora; a name that surely, will garner her respect and credibility for her entire adult life. Plus, I’m pretty sure that’s the preferred stage name of strippers and escorts in the Pacific Northwest, so that will be convenient.

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Carly Rae Jepsen Won’t Perform For Horny, Young Boy Scouts

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I don’t care what anybody says, Carly Rae Jepsen looks like she used to work the day shift at Little Darlings in Omaha, Nebraska. So she must have blown Satan himself to score her fifteen minutes of fame, which she quickly used up annoying the fuck out of everybody with “Call Me Maybe”. Now she’s headlining high-paying gigs like the Boy Scouts of America National Jamboree this July in Mount Hope, West Virginia. Except she’s not, because Carly Rae realized after booking the gig that she actually stands for something or has morals or some shit like that.

“As an artist who believes in equality for all people, I will not be participating in the Boy Scouts of America Jamboree this summer,” Jepsen tweeted. I can find at least one thing wrong with that sentence (hint: It’s the word artist)

I understand her reasoning behind this decision, but she’s really taking it out on the wrong people. Think how disappointed all those closeted young boy scouts will be when they find out they’re not going to be shaking and grinding in their short shorts to Carly’s infectious pop tunes this Summer. They’re the real victims here.

Image:By Lunchbox LP from Culver City, CA, USA [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Taylor Swift Wants Everyone to Know She Broke Up With Harry Styles

Taylor Swift Vanity Fair cover

Taylor Swift is setting the record straight in the April issue of Vanity Fair by allowing a friend of hers, who talks suspiciously like Taylor Swift, to explain the details of her relationship and break-up with Harry Styles. Because Taylor Swift is above that kind of pettiness. Via VF:

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships, she authorized someone to discuss them with Sales (the interviewer). “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making outlike with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

It’s funny that these two broke up three months ago and Taylor’s the only one still talking about it. In fact, the above paragraph took up about one-third of the interview. So Taylor had a chance to talk about herself, or her music or anything and instead she has a ‘source’ harp on about how she dumped Harry.

Does anyone actually believe that Harry, who was up to his eyebrows in teen sluts, spent the better part of a year chasing Taylor Swift because she has a certain je ne sais quoi (pussy, I’ll bet you a million buck it’s pussy) that he just couldn’t find in any other girl?

When a 19-year-old disappears at night and doesn’t seem interested in you anymore, that’s his way of dumping you, he just hasn’t developed the communications skills to actually tell you with words, so he shows you by sleeping with other girls.

Just because you told your favorite corduroy rabbit that you pretend is Harry that you’re through and ‘never, ever getting back together,’ doesn’t mean you’re the one who broke up with him.

And is Taylor really so insecure her guy can’t look at other women? That’s what men do. They can’t help it in the same way I can’t help but bring home cats I find in dumpsters… or people’s front yards.

Believe me, I could kick my husband directly in the nuts and it still wouldn’t cause him to break eye contact with a gigantic pair of tits walking by. Let ‘em look, it’s harmless. Just make sure you give him a blow job as soon as you can so he doesn’t forget why he’s with you.