Taylor Swift Wants Everyone to Know She Broke Up With Harry Styles

Taylor Swift Vanity Fair cover

Taylor Swift is setting the record straight in the April issue of Vanity Fair by allowing a friend of hers, who talks suspiciously like Taylor Swift, to explain the details of her relationship and break-up with Harry Styles. Because Taylor Swift is above that kind of pettiness. Via VF:

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships, she authorized someone to discuss them with Sales (the interviewer). “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making outlike with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

It’s funny that these two broke up three months ago and Taylor’s the only one still talking about it. In fact, the above paragraph took up about one-third of the interview. So Taylor had a chance to talk about herself, or her music or anything and instead she has a ‘source’ harp on about how she dumped Harry.

Does anyone actually believe that Harry, who was up to his eyebrows in teen sluts, spent the better part of a year chasing Taylor Swift because she has a certain je ne sais quoi (pussy, I’ll bet you a million buck it’s pussy) that he just couldn’t find in any other girl?

When a 19-year-old disappears at night and doesn’t seem interested in you anymore, that’s his way of dumping you, he just hasn’t developed the communications skills to actually tell you with words, so he shows you by sleeping with other girls.

Just because you told your favorite corduroy rabbit that you pretend is Harry that you’re through and ‘never, ever getting back together,’ doesn’t mean you’re the one who broke up with him.

And is Taylor really so insecure her guy can’t look at other women? That’s what men do. They can’t help it in the same way I can’t help but bring home cats I find in dumpsters… or people’s front yards.

Believe me, I could kick my husband directly in the nuts and it still wouldn’t cause him to break eye contact with a gigantic pair of tits walking by. Let ‘em look, it’s harmless. Just make sure you give him a blow job as soon as you can so he doesn’t forget why he’s with you.

Taylor Swift is Charitable, to Herself

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Dosomething.org has named Taylor Swift their number one ‘Celeb Gone Good’ for 2012.  Oh gee, how great, that’s just wonderful, fills me up with Christmas cheer! Taylor you’re such a good, kind, generous person, this totally makes up for you being an annoying, spiteful imp.

Except for, oh wait! What’s this? You’re being recognized for your $4 million dollar donation to the  Country Music Hall of Fame Museum. The Country Music  Hall of Fame Museum!  That’s not a donation, it’s a bribe.  She’s not even trying to be  underhanded about it.  Are you in her pocket too, Dosomething.org?  Why else would you recognize someone for making a donation to their own posterity?  There’s probably a clause the money be used exclusively for the museum’s new Taylor Swift wing.   It’s like me giving money to Habitat for Humanity, but only if they use the money to build me a new house.

 

Image:By Paolo Villanueva  [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Taylor Swift May Have Already Found Her Next Boyfriend

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Will prefer jail after first date

A 24-year-old man was arrested for trespassing at Taylor Swift’s Nashville home early Friday morning after taking a bus from Wisconsin to be with the singer

According to TMZ, Jacob Kulke was arrested at 1:45 AM after allegedly hopping a fence at the property. Kulke was detained by security and when police arrived, he told them he was Swift’s boyfriend.

According to reports, Kulke told police he had been in contact with someone at the home via social media and he came to town to celebrate Swift’s birthday (which was Thursday).

First of all, how are we to know this guy isn’t Swift’s boyfriend? Second, if he’s not currently her boyfriend, I’m willing to wager that he might be in the near future. Third, quit being such an uppity cunt Taylor.  This guy took a bus. From Wisconsin. Just to be with you on your stupid birthday, and you had him arrested.  I just wrote the first three lines of your next hit song. Fourth, the great thing about stalkers is they’ll likely never leave you, although with Taylor that’s still kind of iffy.

Image:By Marcin Wichary from San Francisco, U.S.A.  Uploaded by MyCanon (Taylor Swift) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Taylor Swift Had a Bad Night

The Country Music Awards were last night (I know, I don’t care either,) but to sum up everything, Taylor Swift got made fun of, didn’t win any awards, and we’ll all be paying for it when her next album gets released. OMG! reports:

 Co-hosts Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley had a comedy bit focusing on the “Red” singer’s latest breakup — with high-schooler Conor Kennedy…

   Paisley brought up the 22-year-old’s highly-publicized summer romance with Kennedy, 18. “The greatest trade of the year had to be the Kennedy family. They somehow traded Arnold Schwarzenegger for Taylor Swift,” Paisley said. “I mean, what they got for that…”

Underwood quickly interrupted and pretended to whisper to Paisley to fill him in on Swift’s recent breakup. “What? Why don’t I ever hear about these things? I’m the last one to know,” he replied, 
“Are they ever gonna get back together?”

  “Never, never, never, never ever,” shot back Underwood.

The camera didn’t pan to Swift to get her reaction. Presumably because her eyes had rolled into the back of her head in a Carrie-like trance as she mumbled in Latin, willing the doors to slam shut and lock, and the building to catch on fire.

She got dumped by a guy in high school? Really? She must be looking for the kind of unconditional love that only a teen virgin or a puppy can provide.

Image:By Marcin Wichary from San Francisco, U.S.A.  Uploaded by MyCanon (Taylor Swift) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons