Taylor Swift Wants Everyone to Know She Broke Up With Harry Styles

Taylor Swift Vanity Fair cover

Taylor Swift is setting the record straight in the April issue of Vanity Fair by allowing a friend of hers, who talks suspiciously like Taylor Swift, to explain the details of her relationship and break-up with Harry Styles. Because Taylor Swift is above that kind of pettiness. Via VF:

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships, she authorized someone to discuss them with Sales (the interviewer). “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making outlike with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

It’s funny that these two broke up three months ago and Taylor’s the only one still talking about it. In fact, the above paragraph took up about one-third of the interview. So Taylor had a chance to talk about herself, or her music or anything and instead she has a ‘source’ harp on about how she dumped Harry.

Does anyone actually believe that Harry, who was up to his eyebrows in teen sluts, spent the better part of a year chasing Taylor Swift because she has a certain je ne sais quoi (pussy, I’ll bet you a million buck it’s pussy) that he just couldn’t find in any other girl?

When a 19-year-old disappears at night and doesn’t seem interested in you anymore, that’s his way of dumping you, he just hasn’t developed the communications skills to actually tell you with words, so he shows you by sleeping with other girls.

Just because you told your favorite corduroy rabbit that you pretend is Harry that you’re through and ‘never, ever getting back together,’ doesn’t mean you’re the one who broke up with him.

And is Taylor really so insecure her guy can’t look at other women? That’s what men do. They can’t help it in the same way I can’t help but bring home cats I find in dumpsters… or people’s front yards.

Believe me, I could kick my husband directly in the nuts and it still wouldn’t cause him to break eye contact with a gigantic pair of tits walking by. Let ‘em look, it’s harmless. Just make sure you give him a blow job as soon as you can so he doesn’t forget why he’s with you.

Taylor Swift is a Mature, Magnanimous Adult

Last night Taylor Swift opened the Grammys with a show-stopping number that proved what a seasoned professional the 23-year-old has grown into. And by that I mean she lived out some circus fantasy while awkwardly prancing around in a lion-tamer suit. Where’s that Mexican,man-eating tiger when you need him?

During her performance of We Are Never Getting Back Together, Taylor summoned her best cockney accent and said “So he calls me up and he’s like ‘Ah still louve you’ … and I’m like ‘I’m sorry, I’m busy opening up the Grammys…and we are never getting back together!’” (side note: I hope Taylor dates an Asian guy soon so she can make fun of his accent and everyone will call her a racist.)

This attempt at a diss was obviously directed at Taylor’s ex, Harry Styles, the 18-year-old who dumped Taylor because he realized he could be buried up to his eyebrows in easy pussy instead of watching Antiques Roadshow and listening to Taylor harp on about the new flatware she has her eye on. But in Taylor’s powderpuff-princess world, Harry begs her to come back and she tells him she has better things to do such as perform at the Grammys. This sounds just like most of my revenge fantasies but without the sodomy.

To top off her evening of retribution, Taylor went home and played dress up with her cat. No I’m serious. After the Grammys she tweeted the picture below of her cat, Meredith, with the caption “Video shoot early tomorrow, so my Grammy after-party situation looks like…” which we all know is bullshit because who would schedule a video shoot the morning after the Grammys? It’s not like Taylor works the 6 am shift at Denny’s, I’m pretty sure she has some say in her schedule.

We all know the real reason Taylor went home and cried into a hand-crocheted pillow covered in cat hair was because nobody would dare invite her to a party, lest her next single be called   “Everybody at the Grammys after-party was drinking and having a good time and ignoring me while I sipped ginger ale quietly in the corner by myself.”Image

Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Are No More


That headline almost made it sound like they’re both dead; unfortunately that’s not the case, but the New York Daily News is reporting that the ‘couple in high school who everybody thought would be together forever’ have broken up after  two months, which is the most successful dating streak Taylor Swift has ever had.

This is good new for Harry, he’s 18, famous, and has so much poontang being thrown at him he’s practically drowning in it, despite looking like this.  Seriously? Is this what all those little girls are going ape shit about? He has the soft, pasty upper body of a priest’s personal choir boy, and I’m pretty sure that’s a third nipple there, and possibly a fourth! And why do his tattoos look like he let a 7th-grader go at him with a Sharpie? Doesn’t this kid have money?

I can’t believe I’m going on record saying this, but Taylor Swift could actually do way better than this guy. She may be an irksome baby with a sourpuss face, but at least she’s in shape, kind of.

Image:By Flickr: Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer’s photostream (Flickr: Styles) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0) or CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Taylor Swift is Charitable, to Herself


Dosomething.org has named Taylor Swift their number one ‘Celeb Gone Good’ for 2012.  Oh gee, how great, that’s just wonderful, fills me up with Christmas cheer! Taylor you’re such a good, kind, generous person, this totally makes up for you being an annoying, spiteful imp.

Except for, oh wait! What’s this? You’re being recognized for your $4 million dollar donation to the  Country Music Hall of Fame Museum. The Country Music  Hall of Fame Museum!  That’s not a donation, it’s a bribe.  She’s not even trying to be  underhanded about it.  Are you in her pocket too, Dosomething.org?  Why else would you recognize someone for making a donation to their own posterity?  There’s probably a clause the money be used exclusively for the museum’s new Taylor Swift wing.   It’s like me giving money to Habitat for Humanity, but only if they use the money to build me a new house.


Image:By Paolo Villanueva  [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons