Brandi Glanville Gives Dating Advice

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Real Housewife and former model Brandi Glanville’s husband, Eddie Cibrian, left her to be with LeAnn Rimes, who looks like Gollum with a blonde wig. So I’m not sure she’s qualified to give advice on anything, except maybe how to be so insufferable that sex with LeAnn Rimes somehow seems palatable.

But that didn’t stop old Brandi from dishing it out anyways, via Twitter:

“2 drink max on 1st dates,NEVER wear cute chonies esp. If he is super HOT,dont talk about ex’s&be who u r not who u think he wants u2b ;),”

Thanks Brandi, if you had taken the time to actually spell out the words you might have enough for a book. And if you ever take Brandi out on a date, just remember that she’s wearing granny panties.

Image: Twitter_@brandiglanville

Britney Spears Leaving X-Factor Because She’s a Dullard

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Us Magazine says that Britney Spears is going to be fired as an X-Factor judge, because staring blankly and chewing gum isn’t worth $15 million a year.

From Us:

“Britney will get the boot,” an insider tells Hot Stuff of the pop star, who joined the show in May, along with fellow newcomer Demi Lovato. “Producers wanted her for the long haul, but it isn’t working.”

One reason? Spears’ $15 million contract, which sources say the low-energy mentor hasn’t earned. “They paid all that for her to say ‘amazing’ and offer half-claps,” a second insider tells Us.

Adds a third source of show co-creator Simon Cowell, who is leading the charge to axe the performer: “He wanted crazy Britney, but he got boring Britney.”

Boring indeed, as long as Britney’s taking her meds she’s about as dull as a lobotomized cantaloupe.  I can’t blame Simon, the empty chair Britney leaves behind will at least have ironic appeal and probably offer more insight and perspective than Britney could on her best day.

Image:By MuLaN™ (Flickr: britney spears) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Put Your Money On Natalie Portman

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NataliePortmanTIFFSept10Natalie Portman is one of those boring celebrities who has never been in the news for anything negative whatsoever, not even a vadge flash. Better step it up,  Natalie, even Anne Hathaway’s doing it, and that bitch is competition!  But I digress.   I’m writing about Natalie because she was named Forbe’s magazine most bankable celebrity of 2012.  According to the Forbe’s, Natalie pulled in $42.70 for every dollar she was paid.

This is in sharp contrast to Lindsay Lohan who spent $3.47  on drugs for every dollar earned in some kind of unsustainable pyramid- scheme and Jessica Simpson who gained a quarter pound for every dollar she was paid by Weight Watchers.

Image: John Steven Fernandez [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

John Mayer Scares Children

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Above: A depraved androgyne born of children’s nightmares and a 19th century Krampus Christmas card.

 

A Krampus is a demon-like creature of Alpine folklore who appears at Christmas to steal away naughty children and eat them. John Mayer is a chode who sings whiny, contrived songs in a high-pitched voice and has a suspiciously effeminate manner.

You can recognize a Krampus by its hairy body, brown or black coloring, goat-like horns and cloven hooves. You can recognize John Mayer by his pouty bitch-face, hairless body, bleached butt hole and ability to attract desperate actresses/singers on the rebound.

I ask you. Which one will be haunting your dreams tonight?

Image: Twitter_@katyperry & PD

Taylor Swift is Charitable, to Herself

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Dosomething.org has named Taylor Swift their number one ‘Celeb Gone Good’ for 2012.  Oh gee, how great, that’s just wonderful, fills me up with Christmas cheer! Taylor you’re such a good, kind, generous person, this totally makes up for you being an annoying, spiteful imp.

Except for, oh wait! What’s this? You’re being recognized for your $4 million dollar donation to the  Country Music Hall of Fame Museum. The Country Music  Hall of Fame Museum!  That’s not a donation, it’s a bribe.  She’s not even trying to be  underhanded about it.  Are you in her pocket too, Dosomething.org?  Why else would you recognize someone for making a donation to their own posterity?  There’s probably a clause the money be used exclusively for the museum’s new Taylor Swift wing.   It’s like me giving money to Habitat for Humanity, but only if they use the money to build me a new house.

 

Image:By Paolo Villanueva  [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Baby #2 and an Extra 200 lbs. for Jessica Simpson

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ImageDespite her gaining 200 lbs and being forced to wear circus tents after her first pregnancy, Jessica Simpson’s husband still found her attractive enough to maintain an erection.  Because he climbed that heifer, closed his eyes, and hung on for the eight-second-ride while imagining the Jessica Simpson of Dukes of Hazard. And now Jessica has confirmed what everyone else already guessed when she tweeted this picture.  

I’m assuming this means she’s pregnant again. That or they realized Maxwell’s going to be a big girl like her mom and attend one of those churches where the women all call each other sister. Let’s go Occam’s Razor here and say Jessica’s Pregnant.  Which is great news if you own stock in whatever company it is that makes Pop Tarts.

Image: Twitter_@jessicasimpson

Justin Bieber is Out of Control

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Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

Justin Bieber is an infuriating, punk-ass bitch who dresses like this, drives a Ferrari  and sings like a girl, but that’s all okay with his record label.   What they’re not okay with  is Justin  smoking weed everyday and being an insufferable douche, at least according to the New York Daily News. A source for Confidenti@l says:

 “Justin doesn’t seem to care and does whatever he wants,” a source tell Confidenti@l. One insider says Bieber’s team has had several talks with him, but “he doesn’t listen to anyone.”

“He smokes weed all day, from the time he gets up, and orders everybody around. He’s surrounded by hangers-on who say ‘yes’ to anything he wants. There’s no supervision.”

That source indicates Bieber’s family sometimes comes to him for money, which further complicates the situation.

While some close to Bieber think he’s simply exhibiting teen angst, another source tells us, “This could really damage his reputation if they don’t get it under control. Justin is someone young teens look up to and this kind of behavior can really hurt his career. Just look at what happened with Britney Spears.”

Damage his reputation? He’s a Canadian, wanna-be street thug who wears the crotch of his skinny jeans at his knees.  If this is true it could be the best thing for his credibility since he started dating that beard Selena Gomez.

Image: Fame/Flynet