After having a son back in September, Megan Fox went on record saying she wasn’t going to be showing cleavage or dressing slutty anymore because she was a mom now and didn’t want to embarrass her son. Then she remembered that she’s Megan Fox and she has about as much acting dimension as a piece of cardboard, so here she is on the latest cover of Esquire showing of what made her famous in the first place.

Unfortunately, inside the magazine she’s doing the one thing she shouldn’t be, talking. And the shit she’s saying is going to embarrass little Noah more than any picture of his mom bent over in a bikini ever could. Noah’s mom may be hot, but she’s a paranoid, delusional doomsday prepper who  “believes that people are (so) inherently bad. When she read about the nanny who allegedly murdered two young children in New York, she fired her own.” and it pretty much goes downhill from there.

To be fair, the sycophantic numb-nuts they got to interview her seemed more content to sit there with his mouth agape while she rambled on about leprechauns and aliens than to ask any questions. Megan should probably have someone with her at all times to stop her from going into Jim Jones crazy-mode while anyone with a recording device is around.  Here’s some of the best excerpts:

“I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times,” Megan Fox says. “It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist?“

“When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it’s the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?”

Maybe, just maybe Megan, YOU’RE the Antichrist! That or you’re the savior here to deliver us from modest clothing and well-honed acting ability.

On Speaking in tongues:

“It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven.

If only Megan could have brought that kind of passion to Transformers and Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen. And finally:

She would much rather be an archeologist exploring the ancient ruins of Israel and Egypt. “I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were,” she says. Ancient aliens who gave rise to ancient civilizations on earth. “I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.”

And there you have it, Megan Fox could have been one of the great minds of the 21st century, but instead she fell into a life of dancing around in a bikini while staring blankly and making millions of dollars. A beautiful mind wasted, so sad.