Lindsay Overcame Illness to Attend Court, Gets a Trial Date

Lifetime's 'Liz & Dick' Los Angeles PremiereIt’s been another wild 24 hours in the wacky, fun-filled mess of a life that is Lindsay Lohan, leading up to her court appearance this morning. A court appearance Lindsay tried to get out of by having her new lawyer, Mark Heller send a note to the court saying she was too ill to fly from New York to LA, just like in high school.

Then a bunch of pictures were posted on TMZ of Lindsay walking around SoHo smoking cigarettes which kind of blew a hole in that story.

Then Lindsay and Dina did a few lines, and started to get paranoid wondering if maybe she should show up to court, so she called some ‘friends’ (i.e. her dealer, drug dealers have a pretty good understanding of the criminal justice system) who advised her to return to LA for the hearing. So Lindsay and Dina got a last minute flight landing at LAX at 12:30 am and then got turned away from Shutters hotel because she trashed a room back in 2007. So I’m guessing they slept in a dumpster in an alley in Venice Beach.

Fast forward to this morning, Lindsay makes it to court on time where the judge, Stephanie Saunter, told Lindsay she was glad she was feeling better and set a trial date for her lying-to-cops case for March 18, with a pretrial hearing on March 1. Saunter then announced she would be retiring March 1. Wait, WHAT?!!

Does Lindsay Lohan have ties with the mob or something? Isn’t it a little convenient the  hard-ass judge who was supposed to set Lindsay straight is retiring the day the trial is supposed to begin? Who the fuck is Dina Lohan blowing?

The only way I’m going to be okay with this is if they replace Saunter with Judge Dredd and he executes Lindsay and Dina on the spot.


Lindsay Lohan Rejects Dancing With the Stars

ImageAnother week, another series of mind-boggling Lindsay Lohan stories. Lindsay posted the above picture to Instagram yesterday then promptly took it down, because Max George in no way wants to acknowledge that he’s sleeping with the drug mule. That would be like sleeping with the girl who cleans the toilets on the tour bus, but worse.

Today, TMZ is reporting that Lindsay turned down a half-million dollar offer to appear on Dancing With the Stars. Considering Lindsay is a few eight-balls away from giving $20 hand-jobs in the alley behind Chateau Marmont, and that she owes thousands in back taxes, and thousands more to her lawyer, and she’s being sued by a former assistant, I find her turning this down a little surprising. Especially since we all know Lindsay makes such good decisions.

According to the report, Lindsay would never consider reality TV and only wants to stick to films. Even though the past five years of Lindsay’s career has been a reality circus of  arrests, court appearances and fights, Lindsay draws the line at getting paid for dancing on a respectable and popular TV show. I mean what could be more embarrassing than accidentally doing an inside turn when you were supposed to do a ball-change?

“That’s right, I got fuckin’ standards ya blow hards,” Lindsay responded, a Parliament dangling from her lips as she scratched her crotch and swigged from a half-empty bottle of Poplov.

Lindsay Lohan Fires Her Attorney; Says She Didn’t Mean to


Lindsay Lohan has avoided jail more times than Paris Hilton has had a back-alley abortion. A lot . The reason she’s done so well in the courtroom is because of her lawyer, Shawn Holley, a bad-ass L.A. attorney who doesn’t care who she has to blow to get a good plea deal for her clients (not true.)  But in a move that would only make sense to a person who hasn’t slept in 48 hours and is high on speedballs, Lindsay fired the well-respected Holley and replaced her with New York ambulance chaser Mark Heller, who was suspended from practicing law for five years back in 1994.

Even though Lindsay signed the order firing Holley, she’s calling the whole thing a misunderstanding and that she never authorized Heller to fire Holley. Oh, of course, a misunderstanding! Lindsay seems to be misunderstood a lot. Like that time the police thought  she stole that necklace but really she just wanted to borrow it forever without paying for it. Or when the police said Lindsay lied about driving a Porshe into the back of a semi, they didn’t understand why Lindsay said she wasn’t driving, but everybody else on scene said she was. Nobody understands!

And now the letter signed by Lindsay terminating Shawn Holley was really a misunderstanding. Lindsay thought she was signing a birthday card! Unfortunately for Lindsay, Holley was on her way to negotiate a plea deal for her when she got her walking papers, and she’s due in court this morning for Lindsay’s charges on lying to the police.  Will Lindsay avoid jail time yet again? All sources point to ‘yes’.