Lance Armstrong is the Greatest Liar on Earth


In news that that isn’t really news because everyone already knew but we’re all going to pretend it’s a big deal anyways, Lance Armstrong has reportedly confessed to Oprah that he used performance enhancing drugs during his pro-cycling career (feign shock.)  How come whenever someone has something terrible to confess they come to Oprah? There must be something comforting in her enormous brown bosom.

I’ve got to give it up to ol’ Lance, because he denied this thing until the bitter end.   I admire that kind of staunch adherence to one’s own web of deceit. Like John Travolta believes a four-way around-the-world in the men’s steam room doesn’t make him gay because he’s married to a woman, Lance believes that as long as he never actually tests positive, he never did drugs.

Lance may be a liar, but at least he’s consistent. What kind of quitter would he be if he just rolled over and confessed after one or two or three little accusations? That’s not how you beat cancer,  that’s not how you win the Tour de France seven times, and that’s not how you pull off what the U.S Anti-Doping Agency called “the most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen!”

In fact, I think Lance should embrace being one of the best and most committed liars on Earth.  All he needs to do is remove  the ‘V’ and he can start a new foundation, Lie Strong, where he encourages people everywhere to stand up for their misrepresentations of the truth.



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