UPDATE: He’s Dead. Kristin Cavallari’s Brother Vanishes Without a Trace. Go Bears!

Kristin Cavallari 'Protective' of Missing Brother Michael Cavallari

Update: Michael Cavallari’s body was discovered three miles from his vehicle and his believed to have died from exposure. Considering it’s a real crap shoot as to whether members of my own family will survive the holiday season, think fireworks accident or suicide by Christmas lights, I won’t comment further on this. Now the the real question is will Jay Cutler be able to overcome the Redskin’s defense and seal a victory in week 14? Because something tells me he’s gonna play.

Kristin Cavallari’s older brother Michael, has now been missing for well over a week, under circumstances that would suggest he’s either seriously injured or dead, but that didn’t stop her husband, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, from playing in yesterday’s game against the San Francisco 49’s, because Football!!!!! Fuck yeah!!!!

Michal Cavallari’s car was found on a dirt road off Highway 70 in Utah, with his laptop and cell phone still inside. Kristin has kept silent on the issue until today when she tweeted:

Which uh, I guess is something. Kind of selfish in a way, making it about you rather than asking people to look out for him or come forth with any information, but I guess people on Twitter aren’t likely to be taking their head’s out their asses and being aware of their physical environment anytime soon anyway.

In her defense, she did just give birth two weeks ago, so you know, tweeting is pretty hard. I guess? All that thumbwork.

It was also revealed today that  her brother was arrested November 23rd in Orange County after stalking a woman for several weeks and knocking at her door while carrying a shot gun. What hasn’t been revealed is who bailed him out? Where did he get the gun? What was he doing in Utah? Why couldn’t Jay Cutler throw a touch-down pass in overtime against the ‘Niners? Why is Kristin Cavallari even relevant anymore? Who cares about her? Who ate my turkey pesto sandwich that was in the fridge? Is Jon Snow going to come back in season six or what? Why do I pee a little in my pants when I run? Why doesn’t anybody listen to me? I’m lonely.

Image: Michael Cavallari, Grand County, Utah, Sheriff’s Office

 

 

 

John Stamos Bares Ass, Questionable Judgement

John Stamo’s new spread in Paper magazine came out today, and the first thought that came to mind was “ewww, gross.”

You’re 52 years old John, put on some fucking pants!

For clarification, I am a straight woman and I do think Stamos is good looking, but I can confidently say I can’t think of a single circumstance in which a man posing bare-assed would be considered attractive and ‘masculine.’  The bent knee, the hand in the hair, the hotel curtains, this looks like  a spread for Honcho. What is he looking at? And why is he smiling?

Not to mention I’m zooming in pretty damn far and I don’t even see a hint of dangle. What’s up John? You’re Greek. I at least expected to see a bit of ball hair.

Image: Paper

For To Us A Child Is Born

Since I’ll never be able to afford the actual picture, I’ve taken the liberty of using the photo ISIS has been distributing as proof of the birth of the Islamic Antichrist.  Close enough.

Behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to proclaim the birth of the holy progeny, the first born son of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is delivered unto us . A savior born of obscene wealth and priviledge that we might forget the ills and troubles of the world, and our own shitty, disastified  existence in order to praise him and increase the bidding price for the first photo.

Merry Christmas!

Update: They named the baby Saint, so my assertions weren’t too far off, though if they had named it Christ I would have won $100.

 

 

 

Female Viagra Approved by FDA. Women Everywhere Breath a Collective ‘Fuck.’

2011_bill_cosby

Because obviously, the reason your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you is because of a hormonal imbalance. Not because you haven’t flossed your teeth in over six months, or that you wear your socks to bed, or that she caught you checking out that neighbor girl who dresses like a whore even though she’s only 17, or that your idea of foreplay is a half-hearted attempt to shove a finger up her ass, or that you said her tits would look better if she didn’t slouch so much and lost 15 pounds, or a myriad of other grievances you’ve committed that fill her with rage and disgust, that you thought she just brushed off as nothing and forgot but she remembers. Oh, she remembers and one night she’ll remind you with a hammer to your face while you’re sleeping after you suggest she ‘look into that new female viagra,’ following another disappointing act of sex.  Just a silly hormonal imbalance like depression, that can all be fixed with a  pill. Just a fun, happy, little pill that has to be taken every day and doesn’t have any adverse effects except for the following reported from MNT:

On assessing the safety of the drug, the FDA report the most common adverse reactions identified were nausea, dizziness, fatigue, sleepiness,insomnia and dry mouth.

However, the organization notes flibanserin is also associated withhypotension – severely low blood pressure – and loss of consciousness, particularly if taken with alcohol. Such side effects have led the FDA to reject the drug twice previously – once in 2010 and again in 2014.

I’m going to go on a limb and say any increased sexual activity stemming from the use of this pill is directly related to the loss of consciousness caused by the pill. After all, unconscious means consent. Just ask Bill Cosby.

Image: Bill Cosby [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Someone’s Year Just Got Worse, Much Worse

I take that back, nothing’s worse than fondling you sister’s while they’re asleep, but this is a close second, and maybe the final blow that will  make the Duggar family go all Jonestown like everyone’s been hoping for since their affront to nature of a family appeared on television. No? I guess it just’s me; those kids make me sick, especially the little ones.  I digress. I was so busy searching for my own husband’s name amongst the leaked Ashley Madison names I failed to notice the world’s best big brother, Josh Duggar, was busted in the hack. But the good people at Gawker did, and we have them to thank for this sweet, sweet piece of irony:

In 2013, conservative reality TV star Josh Duggar—of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting fame—was named the executive director of the Family Research Council, a conservative lobbying group in D.C. which seeks “to champion marriage and family as the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society.” During that time, he also maintained a paid account on  Ashley Madison, a web site created for the express purpose of cheating on your spouse… Someone using a credit card belonging to a Joshua J. Duggar, with a billing address that matches the home in Fayetteville, Arkansas owned by his grandmother Mary—a home that was consistently shown on their now-cancelled TV show, and in which Anna Duggar gave birth to her first child—paid a total of $986.76 for two different monthly Ashley Madison subscriptions from February of 2013 until May of 2015.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! This almost makes up for the fact that my husband is cheating on me. Now what, you ask, would a chubby, creepy, man-boy pervert be seeking for a sexual partner outside the sanctity of marriage? Turns out, just about anything:

“A Professional/Well Groomed,” “Stylish/Classy,” “Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type,” “Muscular/Fit Body,” “Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,””Short Hair,” “Girl Next Door,” “Naughty Girl,” “Sense of Humor,” “Imagination,” “Creative and Adventurous,” “Relaxed and Easy Going,” “Aggressive/Take Charge Nature,” “Confidence,” “Discretion/Secrecy,” “A Good Listener,” “Good Personal Hygiene,” “Average Sex Drive,” “High Sex Drive,” “Dislikes Routine,” “Has a Secret Love Nest,” “Disease Free,” “Drug Free,” and “Natural Breasts.”

He pretty much just checked every box they had. I’m surprised  ‘hole’ isn’t on that list.

“But make sure it’s a lady hole. I ain’t no queer.”

Image: Facebook

Ariana Grande Won’t be Seeking the 2-16 Republican Presidential Nomination

Might Still be Eligible as Hillary Clinton’s Running Mate

When I first heard video had surfaced of Ariana Grande ‘licking’ a ‘donut’ I thought it was a euphemism for something far less disgusting than her literally licking a donut inside a Lake Elsinore donut shop.  But alas, somehow an entitled, wealthy, recording star in her early 20’s somehow forgot we live in an age where everything is recorded and that even the most innocuous videos will live on the internet forever; and even though I’m pretty sure at one point she looks directly at the camera,  she adds that she hates America to boot!  Gotta love the young folks!

Don’t worry, it’s not what it looks like! She just didn’t know she was being filmed. She doesn’t hate America, just fat Americans! Which is pretty much all of us.

“I am extremely proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my country. What I said in a private moment with my friend Ryann, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words.

“As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me…. However I should have known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better.”

First of all bitch, WRONG, Greece has the World’s highest child obesity rate, though something tells me not for long, hello austerity measures! If you’re going to have your publicist write an apology at least have them check the facts. Second,  you’re complaining about how freely American’s consume things without thought of consequence? You licked food that other people are going to eat, how’s that for  public health? The guy in the bandana you were making out with looks like a walking ad for Valtrex. I’m sure nobody ever thought they could catch herpes from eating a donut, but hey, this is America, anything’s possible, even Adriana Grande being famous.

 

Supreme Court Declares I Can Eat Chick-Fil-A Without the Side of Guilt

File:ChickFilA-ChickenSandwich.jpg

Now that the Supreme Court has declared gay marriage legal, I can finally eat at Chick-Fil-A without feeling like I’m being false to my personal beliefs. I would  like to make it clear that I still ate at Chick-Fil-A before this week’s ruling; My convictions aren’t strong enough to overcome convenience and a desire for fried foods, but for the record, I always felt bad about it. And fuck, I already look like shit, do I have to feel like shit too? Why do I have to feel bad about everything all the time? Can’t I just live  my life?

Sure, giving money to a corporation that could in turn use that money to support groups that want to deny gay people what I feel is a basic right is morally conflicting, but oh my God, have you ever had their Spicy Chicken Deluxe Sandwich? And waffle fries, they have waffle fries! And all those sauces! I dare a gay person to dip a waffle fry into some Chick-Fil-A sauce and tell me how they feel about ‘personal freedom.’ Don’t judge me! I’m a mom, and they have a playground for fuck’s sake!

Not to mention, the people working there are so fucking polite, It’s like they’re actually happy to be there.  Not like those ‘ethnic’ people with bad attitudes working at McDonald’s who act like you’re inconveniencing them by asking for a refill on your iced tea. I wouldn’t have to ask if you just put the tea out on the fucking counter, asshole! I didn’t want to have to interact with you either!

In summation, it’s a nice idea to be true to your beliefs and everything, but that usually means not getting what you want, or paying four times as much for organic, or leaving your house to go to the struggling mom and pop store when Amazon will deliver that shit to your front door the next day for cheaper than what you would pay for gas. A great man once said “Give me convenience, or give me death.”