Author Archives: thevadge

Gerard Butler Clarifies Who Brandi Glanville is: An Easy Fuck

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The closest that Brandi Glanville ever came to an actual celebrity was the time she banged Gerard Butler and he had no idea who she was, as evidenced when he asked a paparazzo after the tryst, “who’s Brandi Glanville?” In his defense, when you fuck a stranger in the bathroom at a party, the last thing you’re concerned about exchanging is names. Trust me.

But Gerard Butler is a consummate gentleman, or at least I assume he is with that accent, it’s just so charming! So, he explained to Howard Stern that he wasn’t trying to diss Brandi when he asked who she was, he really didn’t know.

See, Gerard thought he was having anonymous sex with an unfamous person; sex with another famous person (and I’m using that term loosely) would be ‘nonymous,’ and therefore, not as fun.

I think Gerard was also a little put off that Brandi told anyone at all, because you’re supposed to keep that kind of thing hidden inside your closet of shame, along with that time you bought a new vagina with your husband’s credit card after he left you for a skeletonized harpy in a blonde wig.

Justin Bieber Cancels Concert, Proves We’re All Fucking Stupid

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Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

I can’t think of a more telling sign that America is losing its dominance in the world than the fact that the Portugese have managed to run Justin Bieber out of their country while we continue to let him run wild though our streets with no shirt on and his pants down.

According to TMZ, Le Beaver has canceled his upcoming concert in Portugal due to low ticket sales while all his North American tour shows were completely sold out, which seems to indicate that a country whose only notable contribution to the world was maybe helping ‘discover’ a continent already inhabited by several million people has surpassed us in both intelligence and self-respect.

Amanda Bynes is Still Here You Guys, Try Not to Make Eye Contact

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Amanda Bynes tweeted this picture of herself over the weekend to remind everyone that with the right filter, a shit load of make-up and a compact covering half her face she can still pass for attractive, while also proving that she and Lindsay Lohan get their wigs from the same discount supplier. 

Holly Madison Names Her Baby, Probably Shouldn’t Have

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33-year-old Holly Madison, AKA one of the girls who sacrificed her youth blowing Hugh Hefner’s flaccid peen in exchange for fifteen minutes of fame, gave birth to a baby girl last week and bestowed upon her the name Rainbow Aurora; a name that surely, will garner her respect and credibility for her entire adult life. Plus, I’m pretty sure that’s the preferred stage name of strippers and escorts in the Pacific Northwest, so that will be convenient.

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Catholic Church Hates Breasts

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The Catholic League is up in arms over the above cover  of Loaded magazine depicting giant-jugged UK model Lucy Pinder dressed in clothing exclusive to priests, and people trying to pick up on young boys by pretending to be priests. Via TMZ:

Bill Donohue — president of the Catholic League — tells TMZ, “Lucy Pinder shouldn’t have any problem turning men’s heads, so it is all the more gratuitous to see her wearing a priest’s stole, stitched with crosses, nicely covering her plus-sized chest.”

“Thank God, those breasts were covered,” he added. “Now, where’s my jar of Vienna sausages, I can’t get enough of these things!”
Later, when presented with a copy of the offending magazine cover, Donohue made the sign of the cross and said “Oh God, breasts! *Hiss, Hiss* Get back Satan!

Justin Bieber Collapses at Concert

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Probably because he was up waayyy past his bedtime and had taken a few too many swigs of Dimetol, Justin Bieber collapsed during a performance in London last night. Much to the relief of the thousands of tweens who came to see him and the chagrin of their pissed off parents who had to chaperone, Justin returned to the stage to finish the show.

“Come on Emma looks like Justin might be dead, maybe we can get home in time for Duck Dyna…Son of a bitch, he’s back!”

After the show Justin was taken to a hospital where he tweeted the above picture to prove that he’s still perfectly capable of posing like a queer with his shirt off.

Fuck Ten Dollars!

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File:Chris Brown 2012.jpg

Chris Brown has proved again that he’s an even-minded, emotionally stable young man by throwing a hissy fit at an LA bowling alley over a $10 valet charge. Greedy bitches always trying to get they hands on my coin!

According to TMZ (video here,) Chris was attending a charity event for Misunderstood Millionaires at PINZ bowling alley in Studio City. When Chris went to retrieve his car, and was asked for the $10 service charge, he became indignant; and rightly so.   Don’t they know who he is? Shouldn’t these minimum wage workers be happy to have the honor of parking his luxury car for free?

After the valet made it clear he couldn’t release the car until the money was paid. Chris eloquently responded by saying,“fuck ten dollars.” Which I believe he was quoting from Winston Churchhill’s lesser known “Fuck Hitler,” speech.

Chris then told the valet, “We gonna turn this whole thing on out.” Which, loosely interpreted, I think means “Good sir, I apologize for this misunderstanding and will resolve this issue by promptly paying this marginal fee for your exemplary services.”

Image:By Eva Rinaldi (Chris Brown) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons