Monthly Archives: March 2013

This Will Last

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For those of you who still believe in true love, Jesse “Gutter Scum” James got married for the fourth time over the weekend to Alexis DeJoria. Who, despite that name, isn’t a call girl or stripper. In fact, she a drag racer, I looked into this hoping it meant she was a dude who tucked her junk in order to run hurdles against other dudes, but it just means she drives a car really fast in a straight line. But she’s a woman, so she probably doesn’t do that very well. I know the limitations of my sex.

James Franco Doesn’t Like Anne Hathaway Either

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You know you’re an insufferable douche when the World’s Biggest Douche also finds you to be an insufferable douche. Which is the case when James Franco, arguably the smuggest piece of vaginal discharge on the planet, went on Howard Stern and expressed that Anne Hathaway kind of bugs the shit out of him too. This may be the most likable thing James Franco has done since cutting off his arm in that movie.

While he doesn’t come out and say he’d like to stuff a gasoline-soaked rag down her throat and light it on fire like I do, he pretty much agrees with Stern’s assertion that she’s a scripted robot trying desperately to win affection and in turn annoying the fuck out of everyone. Don’t get me wrong, James Franco is a panty waste, which is probably why he’s able to recognize one of his own.

Kim Kardashian Might be More Relaxed if Someone Punched Her

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Kim Kardashian posted this picture of herself on Facebook on Sunday with the caption, “Oh, just relaxin,” because in case you guys didn’t know, that’s how we women relax. By wearing eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, lipliner, lipstick, concealer, foundation, blush, bronzer and putting needles in our face.

So when I’m out and about with no makeup, greasy hair and sweatpants, looking like I woke up in a truck stop bathroom, that’s actually my Corporate Power-Bitch look. That same getup could also be referred to as Britney Spears’ Day-to-Night look, either one.

The Bar Just Got Lower

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Snooki’s baby, Lorenzo, is 7-months-old now, and since she’s managed not to drop him on his head (that we know of) or accidentally fill his bottle with gin (again, that we know of,) she feels she’s qualified to ‘write’ a book about parenting.

Currently, the books working title is “How to Go From Being a Sloppy, Drunken Whore to Being a Sloppy Drunken Whore With a Baby: The Immaculate Conception of Baby Lorenzo”

I hope in the acknowledgements page Snooki doesn’t forget to thank the good people at MTV and their incredible knack for taking retarded, backwoods hobbits and catapulting them to the world stage where their inane, colloquial gibberish can be translated into an actual piece of literature that miraculously, people will actually buy.

Lindsay Has Outsmarted Us All

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I imagined Lindsay and Mark Heller laughing diabolically at this scheme, because they’re both stupid enough to think this will work.

Last Monday, Lindsay Lohan finally had her day in court, where she folded like one of her assistants, and quickly took a plea deal for lock-down rehab despite saying for weeks that she wouldn’t take a plea deal that involved rehab because, wait for it, Lindsay doesn’t have a substance abuse problem!

So Lindsay finally gave in to rehab, but really, it was all part of her and her lawyer Mark Heller’s genius, James-Bond-Villain-esque scheme to get Lindsay sentenced to a facility that doesn’t exist. From TMZ:

…There appear to be no non-jail rehab facilities that will keep patients in against their will — anywhere in the U.S.. Sources connected with the case tell TMZ … Lindsay’s lawyer, Mark Heller, represented to prosecutors he could get his client into a 90-day lockdown rehab center in NYC. As we reported, there are no private NY rehab centers that keep patients against their will, except for one connected with the prison system, and you have to have a felony record to get in — and Lindsay doesn’t. We also checked to see if Lindsay could complete her 90-day lockdown rehab in CA, but there isn’t a single non-jail lockdown rehab facility in the State. 

Before Lindsay enters her non-existent rehab facility, she’ll be flying to Brazil where she’ll be paid six figures to do a promotional appearance for a clothing line. Which sounds fishy because why would anyone pay a drunken leprechaun to douse their clothes in vodka and then accidentally light them on fire with a cigarette?

This all seems like an even bigger ruse to get Lindsay out of the country before her sentence begins so she can live out the rest of her days in South American exile preforming donkey shows and smoking cigarettes with her vadge.

Image:Fame/Flyney

What About the Children?

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Is that…Honey, grab the children and get in the car, and for God’s sake, avert your eyes!

LeAnn Rimes took a break from harassing people on Twitter and shitting on little girl’s dreams to attend her step son’s baseball game. And in true step mom fashion, LeAnn paraded herself around the ball field in pleather short shorts that said “I may not have borne children myself, but I’m certainly capable of embarrassing the shit out these kids as good as their real mom.”

The worst thing about the whole getup is those are soccer shorts. Christ LeAnn, if you’re going to dress like a cat-house whore on theme day at a children’s sporting event, at least get the fucking sport right. 

You can almost read this poor kid’s thoughts: “Look straight ahead, don’t turn your head, even if she talks to you. If you turn your head you might see something you don’t want to. Something that will turn you off to women forever, and we’re not ready for that…yet.”

Image:Fame/Flynet

Miley and Liam Reunite Via Golf Club

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File:Liam Hemsworth at the Hunger Games world premiere 2012.jpgLiam Hemsworth was spotted outside Miley Cyrus’ home this weekend holding a golf club, and while the hopeless romantics at TMZ take this as a sign that the couple have reconciled, I see it more as Liam is going to show Miley how people form the REAL South handle business.

 Of course, where Miley’s from, having your fiancé beat you with a golf club for dressing up like a horse and embarrassing him is also a form of reconciliation. Ah, young love.