Monthly Archives: January 2013

Spoiler Alert: Taylor Swift Is A Frigid Bitch

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Above: Taylor Swift posted this tweet after her break-up with One Direction’s Harry Styles to show what a spiteful, childish troll she is.

RadarOnline is reporting that the real reason Harry Styles dumped Taylor Swift is because he got tired of her asexual ways. Even though Taylor has a tendency to walk around with her mouth hanging open, she’s not putting that thing to good use.  Instead she’s using it to talk. You’re never gonna get a man like that Tay Tay!

According to a close pal of Taylor’s, she’s as stiff and prudeish in bed as she is looks in every other situation. via Radar:

“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a whore because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude. Harry found Taylor a little sexually uninterested. While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women.

It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible. Having a clean and wholesome reputation is super important to Taylor. She puts herself in these stupid situations but then honestly can’t understand why she’s getting such a shabby reputation. Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young – but Taylor’s more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques! It drove him crazy, so he gave her the elbow!”

Let me set you straight Taylor, everyone already thinks you’re a whore because when you’re dating someone everyone assumes your having sex anyway, so you might as well put out. People, especially men, will like you more if you put out, especially on the first date.  Guys love that. It shows you’re spontaneous and fun. That’s how I got my husband.  After you’re married you can sit around in your sweatpants watching Antiques Roadshow and pretend you have headache, but you’ve got a lot of work to do until then.

Britney Spears: You Can’t Fire Me I Quit

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It seems like everyone  knew that Britney Spears was about to be fired from the X Factor except for Britney Spears.  If you hit her over the forehead with a two by four that had ‘you’re fired’ written on it, she still wouldn’t get it.  But the court-ordered person who makes all Britney’s decisions for her saw the writing on the wall and made a preemptive strike. That’s right, Britney QUIT! “You didn’t dump me I dumped you, ya’ll.”

Clapping politely and nodding while trying to communicate using guttural noises proved to be just too hard for the popstar, and Britney was relieved to be absolved of her duties.  Now she can go back to doing what she does best: singing songs other people wrote and using autotune to erase every hint of her actual voice, ignoring her children and eating Cheetohs.

Image:By Sam Lavi [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Seth MacFarlane Somehow Managed to Make the Oscar Nominations Even LESS Funny

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Above: You would not believe how hard it is to find an unflattering photo of Seth MacFarlane. The guy is ridiculously photogenic

The Oscar’s are now such a media cluster fuck, that announcing the potential winners is an event in itself. Emma Stone and Seth MacFarlane announced the nominees this morning on ABC and some insiders are speculating that Seth may be too irreverent for the prestigious Oscars after he cracked some bad jokes.

“I’m Seth MacFarlane, the host of the Oscars. If you don’t know who I am just pretend I’m Donny Osmond.” He opened.

Unfortunately, no one knows who Donny Osmond is either. MacFarlane then took it too far when he made a Hitler joke.  Too soon, Seth, too soon!

“I read Amour was co-produced in Austria and Germany,” Said MacFarlane.  “The last time Austria and Germany got together and co-produced something it was Hitler, but this was much better. Highly recommended.”

Oh my God, Seth, you are so edgy. I can’t believe you said that, it’s only been like 70 years.  Some of those people killed by Hitler might still be alive!  I’m gonna let this slide MacFarlane, but if you make a William McKinley joke I’m calling for  a boycott!

And so you don’t have to look anywhere else I’ve listed the nominees. The important ones anyway. Nobody gives a fuck about ‘Achievement in Sound Mixing.’

Performance by an actor in a leading role

*   Bradley Cooper in “Silver Linings Playbook”
*   Daniel Day-Lewis in “Lincoln”
*   Hugh Jackman in “Les Miserables”
*   Joaquin Phoenix in “The Master”
*   Denzel Washington in “Flight”

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

*   Alan Arkin in “Argo”
*   Robert De Niro in “Silver Linings Playbook”
*   Philip Seymour Hoffman in “The Master”
*   Tommy Lee Jones in “Lincoln”
*   Christoph Waltz in “Django Unchained”

Performance by an actress in a leading role

*   Jessica Chastain in “Zero Dark Thirty”
*   Jennifer Lawrence in “Silver Linings Playbook”
*   Emmanuelle Riva in “Amour”
*   Quvenzhane Wallis in “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
*   Naomi Watts in “The Impossible”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

*   Amy Adams in “The Master”
*   Sally Field in “Lincoln”
*   Anne Hathaway in “Les Miserables”
*   Helen Hunt in “The Sessions”
*   Jacki Weaver in “Silver Linings Playbook”

Achievement in directing

*   “Amour,” Michael Haneke
*   “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” Benh Zeitlin
*   “Life of Pi,” Ang Lee
*   “Lincoln,” Steven Spielberg
*   “Silver Linings Playbook,” David O. Russell

Best motion picture of the year

*   “Amour” (nominees to be determined)
*   “Argo,” Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck and George Clooney, producers
*   “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” Dan Janvey, Josh Penn and Michael Gottwald, producers
*   “Django Unchained,” Stacey Sher, Reginald Hudlin and Pilar Savone, producers
*   “Les Miserables,” Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Debra Hayward and Cameron Mackintosh, producers
*   “Life of Pi,” Gil Netter, Ang Lee and David Womark, producers
*   “Lincoln,” Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, producers
*   “Silver Linings Playbook,” Donna Gigliotti, Bruce Cohen and Jonathan Gordon, producers
*   “Zero Dark Thirty,” Mark Boal, Kathryn Bigelow and Megan Ellison, producers

Image:By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America (Seth MacFarlane  Uploaded by MaybeMaybeMaybe) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Candice Swanepoel’s Ass is Hungry

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I’m a woman, so I’m terrible with money and have no business sense; I once tried to invest all my money in kittens.  But I’m going to recommend to anyone reading this that they invest in Frankie’s Bikinis, because Candice Swanepoel just posted a picture of her ass gobbling up one of their bikini bottoms, and I think the way this works is that everyone’s going to go buy one now.  That or just stare at this picture until their lower jaw falls off.

The People’s Choice Awards Cannot Possibly Represent What People Actually Like

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The 2013 People Choice Awards in LA

Although she was dressed like a toilet paper doily, Olivia Munn still made fun of Taylor Swift. It’s that easy!

Awards shows are to celebrities like that  cornfield in Field of Dreams is to dead baseball players; if you lay out a red carpet, line up some photographers and hand out silver-plated ass plugs those fuckers will come. Because celebrities will take any reason to dress up, parade around and assure themselves of their own importance.

The People’s Choice Awards lets ‘the people’ choose their favorite celebrities, films, musicians and songs, and their ‘choices’ are just as fucking stupid as you would expect from the people who vote for the People’s Choice Awards.

Even though I didn’t vote, you can bet your ass I’m gonna complain. Jennifer Aniston won Favorite Comedic Movie Actress? The only thing more insulting than that would be if you named Adam Sandler Best Comedic Movie Actor. Fuck, really? How can he win after being nominated for a Razzie for the very same role on the very same day? Is voting exclusive to tweens with ADD?

I don’t watch Glee because I hate anything that even closely resembles a musical, so I don’t know anything about Chris Colfer, but I’m pissed that he beat out Jim Parsons for Favorite  TV Comedic Actor, because I secretly have a crush on Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and yeah, I know he’s gay.

Granted, there were some good picks, like Jennifer Lawrence and Robert Downey Jr., and Ellen Pompeo supposedly flashed her vadge, but I watched this video 30 tines and didn’t see a thing. As far as The Vadge is concerned the winner of the People’s Choice is Olivia Munn, for this diss on Taylor Swift.

Full list of winners here.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Rosie O’Donnell Stole Someone’s Baby

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Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds, the depraved woman willing to have sex with Rosie O’Donnell (I shuddered as I wrote that,) debuted the newest member of their family on Instagram today. What they failed to mention is where they got the baby.

I don’t know where babies come from exactly, but I’m pretty sure there’s a scrotum involved. And as much as I don’t want to think about what Rosie O’Donnell is sporting underneath her FUPA, I don’t think there’s a nutsack; unless she has Tom Cruises’ hidden in there. Hey, anything’s possible.

I’m not opposed to the idea of two women having a baby together.  What I am opposed to is more celebrity children. The last thing the world needs is another Jaden or Willow Smith, (I shuddered when I wrote that too.)

Oh, and if you care, the lesbian power-duo named their new found baby Dakota, (you don’t.)

Image: Instagram _@rosie

Pam Anderson’s Boobs Got Her Kicked Off Dancing On Ice

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Pamela_Anderson1Well that was fast.  Four days after I told you Pamela Anderson was so desperate for cash she was doing Dancing On Ice in the UK, she was voted off the show.  Pam managed to skate for a grand total of 150 seconds before everyone decided they had seen enough and sent her packing.  It must have been when her gigantic, pumpkin-colored, saline sack of a breast slipped out of her top during her performance.  Put ’em way Pam, those things expired in 2002.

Don’t cry for old Pam, she got paid £150,000 for appearing on the show, which comes out to £1,000 a second.

A source told the Daily Mirror: ‘Pammy is the biggest star we have had in years and we hoped she would pull in millions of viewers for weeks and weeks. Her skating partner Matt Evers flew to America for weeks of training.

‘We had to book first class flights for her and source plush accommodation for months too in case she got to the final stages. All in all we’ve spent about £150,000 on Pammy and she has lasted one week. It’s a disaster.’

Aren’t all these contests supposed to be rigged anyways?  If they spent so much money on her why couldn’t they just have the judges keep her around? We Americans have been tolerating this shit for years, how the hell else do you think Fantasia Barrino became a ‘star?’

Image:By Boeing978 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons